Learning to Breathe

All Things Will Be Revealed

2011-09-25T10:55:00.003-05:00

You know, it's kind of hard to know something without being able to explain it. I think that part of living this life, though, is having to trust Heavenly Father without being able to explain to others why you think that way.

I think it's even harder with my friends. Sometimes you just want to say "because God says so!", but that argument never works because they always ask "where". Well most of the time my "where" is in my head after I asked, so all you can do is say "well ask Him yourself". It seems so sad these days that we're the only religion that believes in personal revelation, but I've met so many people who don't ask. Sure they ask about what school they should go to, when to have children, etc (which are all great), but I've met few who just straight up ask "What is the truth?" Because sometimes our church leaders don't match what the scriptures say exactly, so who do you go with? Go with God. The scriptures, leaders, and other sources can be wrong, but God isn't, and never will be.

But it's hard to do that because you can't just trust God. You have to trust yourself too. Because sometimes what is true for you in one situation, wasn't necessarily what someone in a different situation needed. And so you have to understand that it's ok to go against the grain sometimes. But it takes practice. Is that God telling you to skip church and go to your friends house, or is it just you wanting to do that? Because God does tell us to do things that most people say we shouldn't. Your friend could be hurt or alone and needing a friend. So you've got to practice.

But what's great is you can ask God that too. I had someone tell me once that you can ask God what a "yes" answer feels like. You can ask Him to just send you the feeling so you can recognize it more easily. We talk about different callings receiving revelation for those in their "stewardship". Well you are your own steward as well, and you deserve direct revelation from God. He may not tell you right away, but He will tell you. You've just got to do everything you can to show Him that you want to know.

I can imagine that once you've mastered this, it can be very liberating. Imagine living like the prophets of old. The ones who could walk into huge cities knowing that they'd probably be killed, but knowing that it's ok because God told them to do it. Then you can sit and smile at all those people screaming their heads off about whether or not God exists, or whether or not we should be LDS, or whether or not we should legalize gay marriage, or marijuana, or allow immigrants into our country. Because you already know the answer, and someday they'll know the answer too.

By the way, this isn't a post to tell everyone that if they disagree with anything I say then they are wrong. haha. Because God does give us all different answers too. As long as you are going with the answer God gave you, and I'm going with the answer God gave me, then we're good. Someday all of the truth of everything will be revealed, but in the meantime we just have to settle with the pieces God gives us. :D

Love is Not a Fight/Fireproof

2011-09-04T20:15:00.001-05:00

"Love is not a place
to come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
Work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

To some love is a word
that they can fall into.
But when they're falling out
keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter
in a raging storm
Love is peace
in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave;
May God send angels to guard the door
No, Love is not a fight
but its something worth fighting for.

Cause I Will Fight For You
Would You Fight For Me
It's Worth Fighting For."
-Warren Barfield

This is the concluding song in a movie called Fireproof: one of my all time favorite movies. If you're married, were married, want to be married some day, etc this is a movie worth watching. ;D

2011-04-08T13:47:00.002-05:00

Freedom is like a testimony. Some are born with ease of opportunity. Some struggle to receive it, but battle until they do. Some take for it for granted and then lose it. Some have it and cherish it and keep it. Both are given by God. Both are something we are responsible for.

But the biggest thing they have in common, is they reside in you. No one else can get them for you. No one else can keep them for you. You have to decide if you want them, and you have to seek them out. Otherwise, you will never have either.

2011-03-29T22:49:00.004-05:00

So it has been a really long time since I've updated. So apparently I'm going to go from ultrasound photos to pictures of a two month old. haha. Whoops.

Well school is almost over. Thank heavens. I've officially gone from 3 classes to 1. I'm actually starting to get caught up too! I only have 3 more assignments to do and 2 of them haven't even been due yet. haha. Then I just need to take the 2 exams I missed, and I'm good to go!

Also, after school gets out Michael and I are moving to Santaquin, UT. We're not sure for how long yet though. So far our contract will only be from May to August. We first decided to stay because his dad is getting married at the end of June! That's exciting, but we also talked about it, and we might think about staying here for another year. Especially if he doesn't get into the school he wants. That gives us a little extra time to save up all the money we need to move. It's expensive! And then maybe I can finish my minors. :D We'll see though. Nothing is set in stone, so nobody get their hopes up... or down.

Well things have been chugging along. Sorry to anyone who's been trying to get ahold of us. Our sleep schedule has gotten so messed up that going to bed at midnight feels like I'm trying to go to bed at about 5 pm. Kinda annoying. So we usually

end up asleep at around 4 am instead. Hopefully that changes soon. Really soon.

I think that's it. Maybe I'll update a little faster next time.

Hopefully soon I can catch a bigger smile. :D

And the Verdict Is...

2010-09-11T14:10:00.007-05:00

Very healthy baby :D

Heart beat was the same as last time-146. Everything was normal. We even got to see the heart pumping, and it was cool because you could see all four chambers distinctly. Kinda weird.

Definite thumb sucking ;D CUTE

This foot wanted to run away. That must be the one kicking my bladder.

You can see ribs in this one too.

It's a BOY!!!!!

And after everyone was so sure it was a girl. haha

New Stuff

2010-08-29T18:00:00.002-05:00

So I haven't updated in a while, but most of you know our news. We're going to have a baby! So here's a few updates:

We went to the doctor and heard the heartbeat twice. The first time it was 160-170 the second time is was down to 140ish. Which is really good and healthy.

On Sept 10 we'll get to find out if it's a boy or a girl! We're really excited.

Plus school starts tomorrow. I've figured out how to finish school with the baby. I'm going to finish my music minor this fall, and do my Psychology capstone. In winter I'm going to take two Independent Study classes English 315 and Psych 350, that will finish my Psychology major and general education requirements. I also want to get a Family Life minor (Michael is getting one, so he already has to graduate in August and I apparently already had 2 of the requirements done). So I'm taking a class for that now, and then I'm taking the rest to finish it Spring semester, and then I'll be done! It's weird to think that I'm almost done with my Bachelor's. I am very ready to be done with school.

So our plans so far for after that are:

Fingers crossed, I'm hoping really really really hard that Michael gets into and wants to go to ISU (Illinois State University). The area is nice, it's in the midwest, but not freakishly far away from anything interesting. Plus it's located in a town called Normal. How funny is that? Then I can move to Peculiar, MO and I'd have a well rounded personality. haha

Another nice thing about that is that I can go home to visit MO during summer term and then drive up to IL to find housing since Michael will have NO breaks between winter, spring, summer, and starting grad school. Considering how much fun it would be to have one or two weeks to not only move, but to also have to find the place to move to. And maybe while I'm already in that direction I can swing by Nauvoo. It's only 3 hours away from Normal anyway. ;D

Plus, I'm guessing people in Sedalia might want to see the baby. So going to visit would be fun anyway. Yes, it is weird to think about having a baby to bring home next summer. I try not to freak out too much though.

So those are my hopeful plans. I think that's everything so far. I'll post again when we find out if it's a boy or a girl. Oh, and we have names picked out: If it's a boy we'll name him Michael Eric (Eric is Michael's dad's middle name), and if it's a girl we'll name her Emma Ray (Emma is for Emma Smith and Ray is because of my dad). That's it! Maybe I'll write again in the next decade.

Survey

2010-07-22T19:55:00.002-05:00

http://qtrial.qualtrics.com/SE?SID=SV_6XStnDDRdqrzW3a

Hey everyone! I'm doing some research for a psychology class and would be really happy if any or all of you could help me out. It's a short survey, and probably won't take long. Thanks everybody.

PS: I want EVERYONE to take it. ;D Even if you aren't at BYU or in Utah or for some other reason felt like I didn't mean you... I mean everybody!!!

YAY Update and PICTURES!!!

2010-04-01T16:05:00.014-05:00

So Michael and I are moving soon. I don't have a lot of good pictures of where we are now, but I'll make sure to take some of where we are going. I do have some that show our awesome view since I like to take pictures

of that. Michael also got me a new camera and it takes panoramic pictures, so that's what the long one is, so it's slightly distorted, but our view was amazing! :D

We also got a cat! Her name is Luna and she was born around the time we got married, so she's about 7 and 1/2 months old. She's awesome. But she's also a dog. She fetches, drinks from

the toilets, chases her tail, etc. She's funny, and so cute!

God Bless America

2010-03-26T20:08:00.003-05:00

I'm not saying this because you will listen.

I'm saying this because no one else has.

I'm "the poor". My mom is "the poor". It brings tears to my eyes that no one fights for my mother. No one who even knows her thinks of her before they bash "the poor". This is my mother:

I wake up at 12am 7 days a week to do a paper route and then get home at about 5 or 6am. Sleep until about 10 until I go clean houses for anyone who will let me.

I'm the one who drives you to seminary, and picks you up and drives you to school.

I'm the one you called at 7am to come pick you up from your friends house, and I did, even though you were just a friend of my daughters and she was off at college.

I'm the one who does anything anyone asks of her.

I'm the one you call "lazy".

I'm the one you say has been "abusing" the things given me.

I've worked hard not to need welfare, but after my husband died I needed a little assistance.

I'm the one whose daughter, without the government, couldn't attend college, wouldn't have glasses, couldn't have a rescue inhaler for her asthma, would've lived in a house where the roof caved in, you could stick a pencil through the wall, and the outside was made of asbestos.

She is someone who has the purest heart, and the best intentions. She the kind of woman that if she had a million dollars, she'd gladly hand it to you if you needed it.

I'm fighting for my mom. I'm going to fight for those like my mom. Who don't deserve to be harassed because a new government health care bill was passed. My mom did nothing to deserve that. She's gone almost her whole life without good insurance. I for one wish that I had a million dollars, so I could give it to my mom. Maybe someday I can make it up to her. Maybe someday I can take her away from being "the poor" so that people who don't like taxes won't blame her for their problems. I'm tired of the only stories being told are abuse stories because if the poor are abusing their gifts then they don't deserve them, and if they don't deserve them, then I shouldn't have to pay. Be honest. Aren't you really only looking for a reason to say "I shouldn't have to pay."

Please don't send me anything telling me why government health care is evil. Why Obama is evil. Because out of everyone I hear, he isn't the one who sounds evil. I've received email upon email about how the poor abuse welfare. None of them even thought twice about who they sent it to. My mom is too kind to be upset. Someday... maybe I'll learn from her.

I don't agree with Obama, and I don't disagree with Obama.

I'm not a Republican.

I'm not a Democrat.

I'm a person.

God Bless my Mom.

God Bless America. I know we don't deserve it, but some of us still have a little faith. We need you. Please... bless us.

Missing Missouri

2009-10-12T15:40:00.007-05:00

Missing Missouri by Sara Evans

I heard this song in the Twilight Zone while I was at work, and Deena looked at me funny when I was really excited.

So yeah... life is hectic, it seems like I can't even think about the next week because it would overload my brain. haha.

Michael and I are doing well. Yesterday was my birthday and this weekend Michael pulled out his "World-class husband" skills. He took me out to eat, got me my wedding band, and a beautiful painting of Christ with children... on Saturday. Then on Sunday, he made me food, started to plan a party but I was sick so we decided against it, and basically just pampered me the entire day. It was nice.

So yeah... updates this time are:

I forgot to get a new license so mine is expired... whoops.

I have a couple tests this week. :P

I'm 21. :D

Michael is wonderful. That's not really different though... just thought I'd add it in.

This semester is almost half over!!!!

And Lessons Learned:

Only get sick on your birthday if you can find someone to hang around you and pamper enough to cover being sick and it being your birthday.

Indexing actually CAN be fun! ;D

2009-09-05T04:59:00.002-05:00

Well... I guess it's been a while since I've blogged about anything, and since my body has decided it is awake at almost 4 in the morning then I guess I might as well right? haha

So let's see. I've officially been married now for three weeks! Hard to believe it's almost been a month, but I guess so. haha. It's been a little hard getting adjusted, but I'm loving every bit of it. Michael has been amazing as usual and helping me out a lot. Well here's a compiled list of everything that has been happening that I think I missed:

Michael had some BYU issues, but now has been admitted as a night student, so that worked out nicely. We have every night class he has but one together, and I'm pretty happy about that. ;D

My apartment is basically moved in. Still slightly messy, so pictures will be a while. haha. Maybe with this three-day weekend I can clean and get some pictures up.

And yes, I know, I still don't have wedding pictures up. Eventually I will call my aunt and give her my address so I can get those. But I have to remember at a decent hour... which has yet to happen. haha

School is good. I'm taking Psych 302 (Research, Design and Analysis) which has been really fun. So far we've poked each other with this random stick instrument to collect data, and tested to see where our blind spot is. I think that class is going to be fun. I'm also taking D&C and Pearl of Great Price. Actually, my Pearl of Great Price teacher is taught by my very first BOM teacher, Alan Parrish, so I think I'll like that class. I'm also taking MUSIC 101... oh yeah. I added Music as my minor... finally. I think that'll be fun. I've done a lot of it already. I'm also taking Child Development and LDS Perspectives and Psychology. That class will be cool. I love Dr. Gantt. I didn't realize it until the first class though, but he was the speaker in Psych 101 that inspired me more than any other teacher. He told us that in college the professors don't teach correct principles necessarily. They teach all of the arguments, so that when we enter the world, we can have a voice and our own opinion to argue in the field of psychology. I think LDS perspectives is the absolute best class I could take from him, and I'm really excited.

Anyhow... I guess that's it. Things are finally settling down now that the receptions are over, and nothing needs to be planned. Well, I'm slightly tired enough to maybe go back to sleep. We'll see. Good night!

Miracle of the Moment

2009-08-05T10:13:00.004-05:00

Miracle Of The Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman

It's time for letting go

All of our "if onlies"
Cause we don't have a time machine

And even if we did
Would we really want to use it
Would we really want to go change everything

Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out

And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go
Let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now (here and now)
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle
Of the moment

Slowing Down

2009-07-16T22:54:00.004-05:00

So I was reading through some of my past blogs, and other things on my blog. I've changed a lot since even a few months ago. I think some of it is good, but I think I'm also changing somethings I shouldn't or at least don't need to.

I think between work and wedding plans I'm getting a little burnt out. I used to look at things so happily, and now I'm having difficulty focusing on the good in anything, but I think in a weird way, the reason this is becoming hard for me is because I'm not taking any time to just relax. And I think the wear and tear is just making me tired, and according to Dr. South, when you don't get enough rest it's difficult to be happy. So here's a list of things that I could potentially do (I say potentially because knowing myself, I'll turn it into some kind of assignment and add it to the list of things that I'm not doing):

Read... and read a book I LIKE. Not a book someone recommended me, or even a church book, or even scriptures. Read whatever I want to read. Even if it's something that everyone else thinks is lame.

Go for walks... maybe even take some bread to the duck pond and feed the ducks.

Sleep... weird concept. Why do people sleep again?

Watch a movie... curl up with my blankets and stuffed animals on the couch and watch whatever movie I want to watch. Maybe combine this one with the one right above it.

Write... as bad as I am at writing, it is very stress relieving. Even if it's just writing in my journal.

So now that I have a list of relaxing things to do. I also thought of other things that have been bringing me down slightly. No one is at fault, but I'm pressuring myself to "keep up" with others spiritually, and honestly, that's never a good thing. I progressed a ton more when I just decided to do things, and I didn't do them because I wanted to be "good enough" for someone else. And instead of letting my goals stress me out, maybe I should allow myself more time to do them. Maybe even ask others to help me by reminding me of them. Because mostly I'm just forgetful. Maybe I could try a little harder to remember them by putting notes up where I will see them.

I think most of all I need to stop and just breathe. I keep myself too busy. I don't have the time or energy to get anything done. My room is a mess and cleaning checks are Saturday. I need to do laundry and help out with the apartment chores, but because I run run run all day I never want to do anything else. So... I need to SLOW DOWN. Getting things done efficiently is good, but being happy about life is more important to me. Anyway... I guess I'm done ranting about stuff. Now that I've done my writing, I'm going to go sleep. Good night!

Wedding Plans

2009-07-07T14:19:00.006-05:00

So... I'm getting married! haha. I think it's sad that I haven't updated my blog in forever! So here's the plan.

August 13th is my endowment in the Salt Lake City Utah Temple.
August 14th is my and Michael's sealing in the Draper Utah Temple. The Utah reception is that night probably at 7pm.
August 29th is the Missouri reception at 3pm.

I'm super excited. These are the official plans and unless something burns down it should be set in stone. We've been changing the dates and times a lot so it's been kind of confusing. So this is the plan... I'm sorry for whoever wishes they could be there and can't. I tried to make it as convenient as possible for as many people as possible. I'm really excited to see everyone in Missouri. It's going to be fun. I miss you guys. :D

So here are some of the smaller plans:

My amazing roommate Natasha is making my dress for me! I'm so excited! We already went and picked out the fabric and I've told her exactly what I like and she's going to do it. She's an amazing seamstress too. I've seen her make several dresses and they've all been beautiful! I can't wait.

My aunt and uncle just took our engagement pictures yesterday and they were awesome! Haha. I should be getting them back in the next couple days.

I've already made up the announcement. I really actually like it too. I was kind of surprised. But all I need to do now is add the pictures that I'll be getting and we're good to go.

I'm completely fuzzy on any reception plans, so we'll see how that goes. haha

Michael and I are hoping we can get a place in Wymount Terrace. It's close to the MTC, Provo Temple and campus, so it'd be perfect. I really hope it works out.

Still doing all the little formalities that need to be done as well. Everything is going relatively smoothly. I just can't wait until we are finally married. It's kind of a weird thought for me. Knowing that in little over a month I'll be married. I'm only 16 right? I refuse to grow up. haha. Oh well... it's worth it.

Such is Life...

2009-06-01T15:18:00.003-05:00

So I don't really have that much updating to do just yet. I'm working full time at the Bookstore now that school is over. I'm planning to come visit Missouri the beginning of August, and I'm extremely excited. I miss home! :D There are no words to describe how well things are going with Michael. <3 Life is basically bliss. I get to do a little relaxing every now and then, shirk a few responsibilities (well, as much as I, being Nikki, can), and hang out with friends guilt-free (NO HOMEWORK!!!!) haha. My grades were pretty good, and my GPA went up a little. I only absolutely bombed one final. Silly Stats. But I'm over it now. haha... and now I long for a nap. So that's what I'm going to do. Night! haha

Song of the Heart

2009-04-22T00:58:00.002-05:00

Two of my favorite songs on two of my favorite instruments. Could it get any better? <3

I am...

2009-04-07T21:52:00.003-05:00

Remember that post from a while ago about choosing how to define ourselves. Well most of that stemmed from Women's Studies because that happened to be the topic of the day. Well as usual another one of my classes gave me some ideas as to the answer. Or at least... MY answer.

I am...

still very powerful. Still a definition. Still very solid and very unchanging. So... how do we define ourselves?

The answer:

We don't.

Today in my personality class the lecture was on existentialism. Yeah my brain wants to explode after just typing the word. Existentialism is basically the belief that we exist. That we are. Or that I am...

They don't believe in reifying. Reifying is the act of making something real that wasn't before, and honestly I agree wholeheartedly. In language in general we've created terms to define something that before didn't exist. Such as the unconscious, schizophrenia, and other similar things.

While making these definitions who is the one determining what is real? What if we are just making up terms for things that don't actually exist. Hence the reason existentialists (which don't actually exist because that would be considered reifying haha) don't like reifying.

So that leaves us definitionless. I am what?

The answer is you are. That's all you need to know. You are a being; you exist. You may be whatever you think you are, but first and foremost, you are. Simple right?

Not really. In existentialism, if you are then the first thing you have to deal with is the fact that at some time, you are not. One of the four ultimate concerns is death. My class spent A LOT of time with this. I didn't agree with everything, but I did think it was really interesting. The theory was basically that we need to recognize that we are going to die and not treat it as if it's going to happen far from now.

So the point in believing that is that if you are living and doing things that you weren't necessarily going to do if you die, then that's "messed up". haha. Or at least that's how my teacher explained it.

This is where I kind of agreed and kind of disagreed. I think sometimes we do things that we wouldn't do if we were going to die just in case we don't die. Wow... that sounds weird. Here's an example...

I am going to study for my finals (well some of them). Now if I knew I was going to die before finals then I wouldn't bother. I know I wouldn't bother. But here's my logic:

If I knew I was going to die in two years I would still be going to college even though I knew I would never use the degree. Because I'm in it for the learning... but maybe not for the grade. However, to continue learning, I have to pass to continue on. Therefore, just in case I don't die... haha... I'm going to study for my final.

Anyway... just in case you were wondering... and for my own facts the other ultimate concerns are freedom, meaning, and isolation... all of which fascinate me to tears. So the next time you see me, don't bring up psychology, unless you are prepared to get an earful of existentialism. :D

I'm resisting the urge to talk about the other three. Ughhhhh.... :D

Hmmm.... :D

2009-04-02T14:23:00.004-05:00

I love it when I do what I'm supposed to despite obstacles because good things always happen. Or at least eventually. Here was my day yesterday.

1. My alarm didn't go off and so I woke up 10 mintues late to work, made the girl I was supposed to work for miss class and a quiz. Needless to say, I felt HORRIBLE. I don't like letting people down and that was a big one.

2. I was late to my first class as well, didn't do the reading and when usually she makes us write our "question" on a sheet of paper and then turn it in, this time she wanted us to write them on the board. Ugh. Luckily I thought of a question before I went up.

3. When I got to work for my shift, I got written up, and cried in the kitchen for like 20 minutes. :'(

4. Then I went to german and had all my friends in there get mad at me because I was trying to help them with the homework instead of giving them all the answers. I just wanted them to think a little. One girl even just put her head down on the desk. :(

5. So after all that I went home and got ready to go to the temple with Julie, and right before we left she handed me a letter from the Student Auxiliary Services telling me that I didn't get the SAS grant and I don't really know how I'm paying for life in general next year. :-S

But I still went to the temple even though I didn't feel the least bit spiritual. It was so wonderful! I saw my best friend from last summer, and we got to talk for a few minutes about life. We definitely both needed to see each other. It was great. And honestly just being in the temple helped a lot. And the rest of the day was just as wonderful! I have a date next weekend, Justin and I are on good terms with everything and we're even on the same page for once, I talked to Monie this morning (I miss her), and I started my goal book and have several goals in it and already have the list I'm working on for April. I even started thinking about other things during my bad day that went well and came up with... I found people to take my shifts :D and I got my favorite locker at work.

So all bad days have highlights, and eventually come to an end. And today is wonderful! And honestly I should just be grateful that most of my days are good days because it hasn't always been like that.

"Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy!"

Plans

2009-04-01T00:22:00.003-05:00

So I have many many plans. There is so much I want to do and be that I've got to get crackin'. haha. So here are some ideas I had that I'm going to try to implement in my life... and yes... some of these should have been there a long time ago.

First of all, I'm going to study my scriptures and say at least one meaningful prayer a day. This is the part that I should have been doing since birth (haha) but I shouldn't dwell on that; I just need to start now.

Second, I think I want to go through the Strength for Youth pamphlet and write down as many goals as I can think of that pertain to each section. Then maybe once a month I'll choose one, and work on it for the month. It takes about 21 days to start or break a habit, so I think this'll be a good time limit.

Third, I'm going to start planning financially, so that I can figure out how to pay off my debt quicker. It'll be nice when that's gone.

Also... I have secret plans for May... they aren't too secret, but I won't divulge them here. hee hee

Fourth I want to go to the temple once a month. Starting today.

Fifth I think I'm going to start a list of my currents goals... because goals that aren't written down are wishes.

Somewhere

2009-03-24T21:54:00.005-05:00

Somewhere inside my head there's a place.

A place that no one else can go.

A place that I can call my own.

A place that only I can define

Whatever's in my mind.

Where I can define my own space.

Somewhere inside my head there's a girl.

A girl that can write with ease.

A girl that can fly and run and breathe

A girl who knows wrong from right.

A girl who only lives in the light.

A girl who lives without the world.

Somewhere inside my head there's a road.

A road that continues to grow.

A road that only Heavenly Father knows.

A road that's made with different terrain.

A road that teaches me joy and pain.

A road that helps me learn what I've already been told.

Somewhere inside my head there's a plan.

A plan that helps me set my goals.

A plan that slowly I'm getting to know.

A plan that helps me learn to find truth.

A plan that guides me through.

A plan that shows me that I can.

Somewhere out there my Father sees

All these things inside my head.

All these words that went unsaid.

All these goals I didn't quite meet.

All these decisions I couldn't quite reach.

All the things I couldn't quite be.

All the good that I have done.

All the successes I've earned in school.

All the times I followed every rule.

All the love that I have given.

All the times that I've been driven.

He'll watch me walk my way through life.

Until one day, after much happiness and strife,

I can stop walking, and finally run.

:D

2009-03-17T19:04:00.003-05:00

So I think I'm semi-done being a brat about relationships. I know I've been kind of annoying; it just got really overwhelming to have that be EVERYWHERE. No really... haha.

So anyway, I'm going to go camping this weekend! I'm soooooo excited. I'm going to arches with Julie and Angel, and we'll be there until Sunday morning. I haven't been there, so it'll be fun. I'll need to get batteries for my camera. hee hee. They said that the hikes there are awesome. And apparently I haven't lived until I've seen the Delicate Arch. haha. So anyway... that'll be cool.

Justin comes home next Wednesday. It's weird to think that the next email I send him is the last one I will send him while he's on his mission. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it, or if I'm dreading it. It feels like I'm dreading it. :/

So I'm actually doing really well in school so far this semester. Except maybe Women's Studies. But I have an A or A- in almost every class. I'm starting to slack off because it's getting nicer outside... it's so beautiful. It was cool at 2 in the morning. I can vouch for it... I was doing laundry. haha. Today was amazing... and I'm scatter brained. Which is obvious to me because I'm writing this while I'm sitting in my Personality class.

Oooooh. So a funny thing happened to me at work yesterday. They appparently have a Dialectics class here at BYU. This week was Irish. haha. Anyway... they had this list of things they had to do and they came to the candy counter. Sidney and I had to do the YMCA twice on video, and Katy got embarrassed when someone asked her if she'd date his friend. haha.

So... that's life in a nutshell.

True Happiness

2009-03-07T12:56:00.004-06:00

Happiness is knowing that God agrees with you.

Happiness is more sought after than anything else, yet very few really know anything about it.

Happiness is being able to love those that hate you as well as those that love you.

Happiness is knowing that whatever happens, it will be for the best.

Happiness is having control over your own life.

Happiness is knowing that you can handle anything thrown at you.

Happiness is self-made.

Happiness does not come from or because of anyone else.

True happiness is knowing who you are and living up to your potential.

I am.

The two most powerful words.

How do we define ourselves? How should we? We tend to define ourselves by the things that make us different.

I am... a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That used to be my definition. But should it have been? Was I letting myself down because I was limiting my own potential?

I have several friends that define themselves this way.

I am... homosexual.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I do not define myself as heterosexual. But what if I did? How would my life... my outlook change if I defined myself by my sexual orientation?

Then I look around... that is how we define ourselves.

I am... a mother.

I am... a wife.

I am... a fiance.

I am... in a relationship.

I am... single.

We are sexual creatures. Whether we'd like to admit it or not. But are we limiting ourselves? Are we limiting our aspirations because our only true goal in life is to find a companion, so that we can be happy? Can we be happy alone?

What if all of a sudden we stopped letting society tell us what does and doesn't make us happy? Because that is why we think this way. Because media and government and our culture and our families even our religion... they all seem to say one thing. You need a companion and if you don't have one there is something wrong with you. I can not tell you how mystified people get when I tell them that I could be perfectly happy not getting married. It doesn't scare me a bit to graduate single. How sad is that?

We were first created as spiritual beings. Only by coming to earth did we even have a chance at being sexual ones. But should that be all we are?

What about my homosexual friends? By letting this define them they've closed themselves off to being anything else. One of my good friends just recently embraced it and now we really aren't friends anymore... and not by my choice.

What is true happiness? What kind of happiness lasts forever?

Because contrary to Bohemian belief... we need more than love.

I am... me.

I am... of infinite potential BECAUSE

I am... a child of God.

Other People are Messing with my Mind

2009-03-03T19:41:00.004-06:00

It's like being ripped into a million pieces, so that you can be made whole again.

It's like having scabs pulled off to heal your scars.

It's like having someone break your heart to heal it.

It's like sinning to be able to repent.

It's like holding your breathe, so you can remember how to breathe.

It doesn't seem like it will ever work. It doesn't seem like it could work. It feels like it's wrong, but at the same time you know it isn't. It makes no sense while making all the sense in the world. It's like emptying something to fill it, fill it with something better, something more important. It's like trying to break me, so that I can be put back together again, but better. It's like a puzzle that was put together by a four-year-old probably has a lot of pieces that are just shoved together, and someone who knows how puzzles work along with someone who knows what the picture looks like come and take the puzzle apart so that it can be put together properly.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm being ripped apart. I'm more confused than I ever have been. I'm scared of people for the first time ever. I'm questioning everything about myself, and honestly, I know that whether or not something changes, I needed to. I don't like this feeling, but when you put a cast on a broken arm sometimes it itches. That's uncomfortable for the moment, but afterward your arm is fixed.

And now I just hope that I am trusting the right person.

Update

2009-02-25T16:47:00.004-06:00

So I'm super tired and I've got another half hour before my next class starts, so why not kill some time right? Anyhow... I guess I really don't have any updates. Nothing too exciting is happening to me. So one thing that is freaking me out right now is the fact that Justin gets home in a month from today. Actually I guess it's more like 28 days because February only has 28 days in it. Yup... that's pretty much the weirdest thing. I feel like he just left and that he's always been gone at the same time. I wonder what he's going to act like. Considering that my best friends are already a little worried about him, I guess I should go really slow... and not let any of them know what I'm thinking. haha.

I got a 100% on my stats quiz... without studying might I add. haha. I'm not bragging at all. haha. I also found out that I have an A- in Women's Studies so far which is pretty good, since I don't do a lot for that class.

I have a visiting teaching dinner tonight, and I'm already exhausted. That and my companion is making me do all the dishes. So that's pretty much going to suck. But I'll just protest and not do them tomorrow like I'm supposed to. I'm too tired to mess with people.

So I kind of hit a mean streak this past week. I've been getting "self-esteem" therapy/coaching from my friend Erich (who I met a month ago... yeah I think that's weird too). Well I keep hitting these I'm-worth-more-than-how-you-are-treating-me kicks (hence the last post) and one of them ended up being really mean. I told this one guy that he only cares about himself and that he was basically an idiot for being the polar opposite of straight forward. I still hold that he deserved it, but inside I know I could've been nicer. Consciences suck don't they?

Work has been getting a little frustrating for me, but things have died down now. Now that I don't have a the stocking assignment from Hades. It's still frustrating though because at the Candy Counter you actually have to deal with customers, and it's annoying when you are actually trying to get things done and your coworkers are just standing around talking, and you have to go help the customers. That and customers (and I fully admit that I'm like this too) are so wrapped up in themselves. This morning I was trying to change bins and make cookies and customers who just wanted to be checked out would come to me. I wanted to be like, "Isn't it kind of obvious that I'm trying to do a million things at once and that there are four registers with cashiers sitting on their hind ends doing nothing that you could've gone to?" But I don't. I don't mind when they need to get candy because that's something I have to do that no one else can. But why are they bringing books to me? The other registers do not have lines at 8 in the morning. They could pick the one by the exit they so choose, but no... they decide that because I'm closer it doesn't matter that I'm doing a million things at once. Ugh... I guess I've really needed to vent about work. Hmmm... good to know.

So I apparently am half of the compassionate service committee. It's Angel (my roommate) who is over Bryan (the chair) who is over me and this girl named Rachael (that I've never met) and we are the compassionate service committee. I think that's kind of funny. Apparently the bishop forgot about the compassionate service committee and so it only has two members. haha

What can I talk about for twenty minutes. Well I guess it's more like ten because I should be on time for class. I have stats tonight. Dr. Flom is actually a really great teacher. He will stick with you and do problem after problem until he thinks you understand. I like that because I'm so used to teachers who either don't care or won't really try to help if you don't get it. They'll just do an extra example and then move on. Stats is actually more interesting than I thought it was going to be. Right now we are doing probability and I feel like I'm in fifth grade. That's good I guess though right. It's only when we have to do probability with z scores that I'm going to get stumped. haha

Well I guess that's it for now... I told you my life is boring.

Why do you Wonder?

2009-02-22T12:53:00.003-06:00

You know it's been a long time since I've overcome a lot of my family problems. My mom never understood why I thought I didn't have friends. Sure people talked to me, but I never felt close to them. Now I used to feel the same way here at BYU and my roommates didn't understand. They didn't understand why I couldn't just trust them when they said we were friends. Putting aside everything that happened that year... here's why we aren't friends.

I wish I could accurately describe the Candy Counter, so that this would make sense. So the candy counter is in the dead center of the main floor of the bookstore. Usually people cut around it because they are only cutting through the bookstore because it's faster than going around. The candy counter is also between the up stairs and the down stairs, so it's like there's an invisible rectangle around it. So here's why I'm peeved. Because yes... I saw you... and watched you... and this time, it's called being observant, not over-analyzing. So picture a rectangle that has a line starting from the middle of the long side and going to the corner. Where that line begins is the candy counter. Where the line ends is the exit. So I saw you... only you walk next to the candy counter. I was talking to my boss for a second because I thought you were leaving so you'd cut behind me and take the diagonal line to the exit. Plus there weren't any people back there, so it wasn't congested. I turned back around and you were gone, so I was trying to figure out how I missed you. It made me a little sad because I wanted to say hi, even though I did have to leave in like thirty seconds to go clock in. Then I saw you again. You were walking down the side of the rectangle, instead of cutting across the fast way. I thought maybe you were going out the other exit cause it would have been faster or that you needed something from general book. Then I saw you turn for the TZ exit. So I thought maybe there was a line at South and you were going around because the end would have been somewhere over there. But then... after all this time, I saw who was standing in front of you. I saw that you were following. Even then I had hope that you wouldn't be like that. But you walked right passed south and out the TZ.

Now I know that story is too long for what it's worth, but if you knew these girls from Freshman year, you'd know why it had to be so detailed. You see... they NEVER trusted me when it came to this subject. I never had proof. Only my roommate trusted me and not even until the end of the year. I wanted you to know EXACTLY what I was thinking. So you would know that I actually thought the best until proven otherwise. I have changed. YOU have not.

I know that you have no spine, but how is it exactly that you can do crap like that and still be like, "No it's because she thinks you hate her."?

Rest assured, if the situation were flipped I would have walked passed her; I would've said hi; if you wanted to talk for a second, we would've talked awhile. You should know better than to think I hate her. So how is it that you don't know better when I say she hates me? I don't know why she still hates me. Or even why she hates me. Because honestly I did nothing to her last year... but she did do something to me. And yet she hates, and I don't. And you are blind.

So yet again, be rest assured, you've chosen alliances. We are not enemies, but we are NOT friends. Because guess what? I will learn to have confidence and know I AM worth something. I have good friends now who see worth in me. You didn't know this, but the night before that my friends figured out my self image, and one of the them spent hours telling me that I'm worth something. It was hard having this happen the next day... but you know what, I AM worth it. Even if you are too blind to see it.

And I don't deserve to have friends like you.

Happiness: Ideal or Illusion?

2009-02-18T08:20:00.003-06:00

Is happiness the ideal? Is happiness the thing we are striving for? Is the point in life to be happy?

The first thing I thought of was the scripture, "Men are that they might have joy." Does it say "men are that they might always have joy"? I'm not saying it's unrighteous to be happy. I'm saying it's not unrighteous to not be happy.

We live in Happy Valley. To most people from Happy Valley it's a compliment. To any mormon outside the bubble it's a punchline. Do you know why? Because it's fake. Who really wants to pretend to be happy? Wouldn't we all rather just be happy?

The state of Utah is ranked 1st out of 51 states for depression. And 6th for suicide. Does this sound like happiness?

In my women's studies class we were talking about how media influences the way we think and how it has power to determine the "norm". I know this sounds terrible, but I think mormon media comes from church leaders. I don't think they themselves are trying to make themselves seem like they are the norm, but they are the face of the church, and so LDS women think that is what it means to be an LDS woman, and anything else is wrong.

Elder Wirthlin said in General Conference, "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't--at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretend happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life."

Nephi lamented at the death of his father. He was terrified of the mantel that had fallen on his shoulders. Was he being unrighteous?

Alma cried for his people when they wouldn't repent. Remember the "Oh that I were an angel, that I could cry repentance unto this people." Was this unrighteous?

Christ turned tables in the temple because he was angry that they were desecrating His Father's house. Was this unrighteous?

Like I said, it's not unrighteous to be happy. But this idea that we, especially as women, cannot be anything but happy is a cultural norm, not doctrine. And the more of us that fall into the trap the further we are from overcoming it. And the more we idealize people or worship people who are like this, the more prevalent it will become. Let's strive to be more like Christ and be good members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instead of trying to just be good mormons.

Opinions and Judgments

2009-02-15T19:30:00.005-06:00

"It's so easy to destroy and condemn, that which we do not understand. Did you ever wonder, 'Is it justified?'" -Within Temptation

So I know I posted today already, but now I've been thinking about something else a lot now. I know I'm a psychology major and it's kind of part of the description to understand how people think, but sometimes it amazes how very little people understand about other people. Is empathy lost completely? Is it really that difficult to see something from someone's perspective without it having to be the same as your own? I think it's awesome to have your own beliefs, but because of that is it impossible to understand why others would have beliefs outside of our own?

I'm LDS. Anyone who reads this probably either knows that or figured it out pretty quickly. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman; I believe abortion is murder; I believe a lot of things that the current presidency of the United States doesn't. So... am I a bad person because I understand that other people may not believe the same way I do, and that they might be good people too?

Maybe it's because I used to be a Libertarian. Maybe that's why I can see it from their perspective. I mean, people who've had it beaten into them that there is NO other way to think but Republican probably should have problems seeing things from other people's perspective. A funny thing is... I didn't change my mind because someone told me I was a "bad" member of my church or that I wasn't Christian. Actually those things made me believe I was right because I was more open minded. I change my mind because I read an article by an apostle of the church who calmly stated that we as members of the church should stand up for our beliefs. I find that most people respond better with kind words rather than accusations.

Anyway, here is my arguement. Members of the LDS church should all probably believe that abortion is murder and that murder is bad. We all understand the plan of salvation well enough to understand this concept. Especially when the church's stance on abortion actually allows for things like rape, incest, and health of the mother. And that if you choose to get pregnant, and by choose I mean choosing to have sex knowing what could happen, you can give the baby up for adoption and make sure he/she goes to a good family.

Christians on the other hand do NOT know the plan of salvation. We are responsible for that knowledge, but they aren't. So how can we make a broad statement about how you aren't Christian if you support Obama? Who knows what that person has been taught. A lot of good things come from abortions, like stem cell research etc, and maybe they don't think of the fetus as a child until he/she is born and they believe more in the free agency of the woman. We don't know. And like I said, I don't believe this, but then again... I was taught the true doctrine... Christians haven't been necessarily.

I think even the beliefs of LDS members can get skewed on the aspect of gay marriage. Not everyone goes looking for talks that were given last week by apostles, let alone in the seventys. And I, for one, can say that in our church politcal opinions aren't taught unless taught by the parents, so it's not like I went to church and learned how to be Republican. Rebulican is just something that fits based on the beliefs of LDS members. But I can also see how others can be confused. We are taught that marriage is between a man and a woman, but we are also taught the freedom of agency. So some "good" members of the church could believe that making laws against gay marriage is a bad thing because it's like we're playing Satan by telling other people what to do instead of giving them their own choice. Can we really decide who is and who isn't a good or bad member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

I think in this case we need to be very careful of what we say and think. As a member of the LDS faith I believe that we reserve the right to make righteous judgments in the moment that affect us and our families. And if you make the righteous judgment that a certain potential president shouldn't be president because of the your beliefs and the beliefs of your family then by all means, go with it.

However, we are also taught that final judgments are God's only. We cannot decide who is or isn't a good member of the LDS faith because we will never know the intents of their hearts. We cannot decide who is or isn't Christian because we will never know what they were taught. I'm not saying that they are right. Because I personally don't believe they are, but that should be the end of our judging. Judge the opinion... not the person.

Friends

2009-02-15T09:54:00.002-06:00

Ok, don't ask me why but I've been a little upset because people who aren't in my life seem to somehow weasel out all of my information through other people which is not necessarily a bad thing, but a lot of information I like to tell to very few people so if it goes wrong all of the people who were there through the whole thing will understand and be there for the bad part too. Some people just want something to talk about. So if they know that I applied for a job, if I didn't get the job or lost the job they'd talk about it but not be there for me at all.

Which got me thinking about a completely different subject. How do I define who is "in my life"? Because there are some people that I see more often than I see Monie, but Monie is in my life and they aren't. So I came up with my definition. Someone who's in my life, whether it be family, friend, or acquaintance, is someone who I know when I'll see them again. Or at least I have a vague idea. There are acquaintances I have that only come to game night on Sunday's, but because I know I will probably see them eventually for game night, I consider them "in my life." I may not see Monie very often, but I know when that I'll probably see her again when I go home. If I can convince either my mother for the car or Justin to take me. But I think for long distance people to be in my life, there has to be some kind of communication. Like I know when I'll hear from them again instead of see them again.

So yeah... I think too much and over analyze everything, but at least now if someone gets mad at me for saying they aren't really in my life anymore, I can explain why.

Lessons Learned from Bare Naked Ladies

2009-02-11T19:27:00.008-06:00

1. Anyone perfect must be lying.
2. Anything easy has its cost
3. Anyone plain can be lovely
4. Anyone loved can be lost.

Falling For The First Time - Bare Naked Ladies

Ego

2009-02-06T19:46:00.005-06:00

I'm not talking about Freud. Just FYI. I like Jung's interpretation much better. Your ego is you. Ego means "I". I think I've got a pretty good grasp on my ego. I think I know it's shape, color, texture, and content. But there's more to us than our ego. There's our shadow or alter-ego which I also understand pretty well about myself. If you understand your ego the only thing you really need to do is acknowledge the possibility of an alter-ego and you're set. I'm ok with my archetypes and being collectively stereotyped.

But there is one part of me that I don't have control over yet and it takes over my ego. That's my persona. Persona literally means "mask", and, believe it or not, I have difficulty taking mine off. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to what has happened to me. Ask and ye shall receive is me in a nut shell. The trick is to get me to admit how I felt about it. And if you don't know how I felt about it you know basically nothing. You could see that I opened the door for someone, but do you know why I did it. Actually I do that because I like to, but you get the point. I don't think there are hardly any people at all that really know my ego because in my opinion my ego is kind of what I really wish I could say and do and act like. My persona is so not the same. I'm still a little (or a lot) rambunctious and giggly, but sometimes I act like that when I don't really want to. I'm a little sick of not having control over my persona. Honestly I like my ego better.

That was me just rambling about stuff that my personality class is teaching me. Man, I thought I thought (wow redundancy) too much before. Yuck. haha

Back in Reality

2009-01-24T01:40:00.006-06:00

I know this sounds weird, but I think I've finally figured out why I'm more content now... even happy. I'm back in reality. I'm not convincing myself of anything; I'm not being convinced by anyone else of anything. I'm back to being neither optimistic nor pessimistic. I'm just a realist.

Wanna hear how I figured this out. For a while I got sucked into this la la land maze that wouldn't let me go. It was full of rainbows without rain, flowers, and sun, and everything good. But that isn't me. It is some people... sickly enough... it is some people. But that isn't my reality.

So here's the the funny/weird story. Not long though I don't think. You know the phrase "when life hands you lemons make lemonade". Well someone gave me a piece of flair that says, "Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck." That sounds terrible, but it made me so happy. It was nice to know that not everyone's life is perfect. I'm not alone. Not anymore at least. I have people that care about me... but almost more importantly, I have people who want me. It's not this passive, "I like you, but..." Now it's, "I like you, so..." It's been hard here in Utah having all the people that wanted me in Missouri, but now I found some here too. And I'm not alone. Other people have lived crazy hard painful lives. Some like me, some worse than me, but there's always someone to understand what it's like to not be charmed. I missed that. I'm grateful everyday. Because I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my Heavenly Father. I wouldn't be here if He didn't love me and want me to be happy. Happy with no strings attached.

Finally.

You are Loved <3

2009-01-09T17:23:00.003-06:00

A little for early for Single's Awareness Day, but it's ok. That and a month after that I may not be single. Weird. hmmm...?

You Are Loved (Dont Give Up) (Radio Edit) - Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Time

2009-01-07T21:34:00.005-06:00

One Year

A lot can happen in one year. You can move. You can go off to school. You could get married. You can add a few inches, take off a few pounds. Make and break new years resolutions. You can have a baby. You could build a house in a year. A lot can happen in one year.

One Year

One Month

A lot can happen in one month. You can learn good habits and cease the bad ones. Change your major. Change your job. Get into a relationship. You could buy a new car. You could learn a new skill. A lot can happen in one month.

One Month

One Week

A lot can happen in one week. You can start new classes for school. You can get glasses or contacts. You can get sick. You can have surgery. You could read a book. You could travel, maybe go visit home. A lot can happen in one week.

One Week

One Day

A lot can happen in one day. You can dye your hair. You can meet a new friend. You could buy food, or do your laundry. You could finish your homework. You could also elect a new president. September 11, 2001 was just one day. D-day was just one day. Pearl Harbor was just one day. Alot can happen in one day.

One Day.

One Hour

A lot can happen in one hour. You could go to class in an hour. You could spend time with a friend. You could play with your child. You could do your dishes or clean your room. You could help someone with homework they don't understand. You could read your scriptures. You could talk with your grandparents about when they were younger. Someone could pass away in an hour. A lot can happen in one hour.

One Hour

One Minute

A lot can happen in a minute. You could say I love you. You can write a note telling someone you care. You could say a prayer. You could take out the trash. Your baby could take her first steps. You could lose a friend in a minute. You could lose your home in a natural disaster in one minute. A lot can happen in one minute.

One Minute

One Second

A lot can happen in a second. You can fall in love in a second. You can get an idea in a second. You can lose a friend's trust forever in a second. Your baby could say "mama" for the first time in a second. Your heart can be broken in one second. Your dreams could come true in one second. You could say "Yes" in one second. Alot can happen in one second.

One Second

Just as many important things happen in one second as in one year. You can do important things, things that mean the world to someone in one second. Don't let them pass by. And also, don't think that nothing will change. There will come a time when things will be lost. And you may not get a month or a year of warning. It could be lost in a second.

"Take care in your minutes and the hours will take care of themselves." -Lord Chesterfield

Band aids

2009-01-07T17:06:00.003-06:00

I'm the kind of person that likes to just rip off a band aid no matter how much it hurts. At least most of the time. Sometimes I wish a band aid was all I had to worry about. That people couldn't hurt me anymore than a silly little band aid. I've never ripped off a person before. I always gave everyone a second chance. Sometimes for the better, sometimes to my dismay. But I've never given up on anyone. I think this band aid, while ripped off as far as it would go, will remain stuck to my heart for a little while longer. :'D

Christmas!

2009-01-04T00:45:00.006-06:00

So I got to go home for Christmas and it was so great! I haven't been home in about seven months, which was weird for me to think about. So much has CHANGED! It was crazy. New stores were everywhere, Samuel was home, Monie had a baby (who is pretty much the cutest thing alive which means something coming from me. I'm a great judge of cuteness.), I saw some kids passing sacrament that I was sure were in Junior primary, the church is blue and not red, there's a huge new high school off in the middle of nowhere hopefully going to be open soon, and I'm sure there are a dozen or more things I've forgotten.

So I left Salt Lake at 5:45 AM (yuck!!!!) and made it into Sedalia at about 3ish. I spent Christmas opening gifts that my mother had way too much fun trying to disguise. For instance, she got me the movie Wall-E and she first wrapped a calendar around it and then she wrapped that so I couldn't tell what shape it was in. She also bought me a lot of pajamas that she wrapped individually in different shaped containers. It was fun. That night I went to Monie's and we "watched" movies. Mostly she packed and I played with Kady. She is ADORABLE!!! I could just squish her, but I won't because Monie would probably not like that. She is such a cute little mommy. But I'm not gonna lie, I still can't grasp the fact that she is a mommy. I mean we were just kids a few years ago. Where did time go?

Anyway, Justin called that night while I was over there. It was actually kind of funny because Monie thought it was my brother, and I went back inside to get my coat and Justin was like, "Give the phone to Monie". So I did and she said, "Oh Justin. (under her breath, "I thought this was your brother.")" haha. It was fun. So at this point I have no idea where Justin and I stand, but I do know that I have two conniving, nosy relatives who are going to treat me like they know until I either marry him or break up with him. Oh great. Family.

I taught sunbeams on Sunday. Monie was the normal teacher, but she was in Nauvoo since they are moving... well.. yesterday. haha. Justin's mom came up to me and said, "Are you doing anything today?" I love how she had to ask to make sure no one got to me first. I mean, I've been gone for most of the year and I come back for one Sunday and I'm teaching again. Figures. Not bad though. Even though they were all boys, and Mario decided it was Annoy-the-Crap-Out-of-Everyone Day. Other than that it was fine.

I also hung out with Hannah and Jessie at some point. I met Hannah at Walmart and then we picked up Jessie and got some pizza and went to the park. Did I mention that it was a nice 50 degrees most of the time. Lovely. Anyway, I never got to see Hannah much because she's pretty much on her husbands leash. I expected that though. Oh well, it works for them.

I hung out with Heather on Tuesday. We went to Perkins to eat and catch up. Then we went to go get her brother and went to go see Marley and Me. Good movie. Really sad though. I felt dumb because I couldn't control my crying. Luckily I could control the sobbing. It was a really good movie though. I don't care what other people say about Valkrie or however you spell it. I know some people have a fascination with gore and violence, but I am not one of those people. Anyhow...

We also had an All-Holiday Bash at Monie's. We celebrated various holidays that we miss spending together. It was fun. That was also New Year's Eve. I went home just in time to be there at midnight. haha. Mom wasn't there though because she was putting gas in the car because I had to leave the next day to come back to Provo.

Lucky to say, I am officially moved in, and my room is relatively clean. haha. Which is one of my goals this year. I like my ward and my roommates. I think this semester is finally going to be the time of my life. Not that I wait around for it. Everyday is the time of my life. But I think this semester it'll be... how do I say this?... a little easier to find things I'm grateful for. haha. Yeah that's it. Oh yeah, I forgot.

On Wednesday I got contacts again. It was funny because the doctor said that my right eye is so messed up that it needs a special contact lens fit special for it, so that I can see properly. Sad to say that takes a long time, so my right eye isn't exactly at 20/20 right now. It's ok though. I'm over the dizziness. That pretty much sucked.

So as boring as they are these are the highlights of my holidays. I loved every minute though. I also got good grades which is always a nice touch. Not to mention the huge jump in my bank account. Ooh la la. I should go and NOT be productive. The next four months will be productive enough. No need to start tonight. ;{ haha I accidently typed that. Doesn't it look like a little angry man who can only squint with one eye. Yeah I'm weird. Here's what I meant ;P

Worth It

2009-01-01T20:13:00.003-06:00

Because I'm worth it.

Just because you can't see it, and have thrown me away...

Nope, doesn't change a thing. Because I'm worth it.

I'm worth the effort you didn't give.

I'm worth the love you couldn't sacrifice.

I'm worth the seconds I was never in your thoughts.

I'm worth the breath you didn't waste talking to me.

I'm worth the time you didn't spend.

I'm worth it...

even if you were too blind to see it.

I let the hopeless blind me to things that I should see
The black and white finally flip to set me free
I’m tired of living completely on my own
I’m searching and praying to someday find my home.

School

2008-12-20T01:13:00.002-06:00

I've decided that I need to stress more about school. I just finished my last final and I don't feel any different than I have all semester. Maybe if I stress more then I will appreciate the breaks more.

Or something like that.

I'm moving!!!

2008-12-09T14:47:00.006-06:00

So if any of you saw this post and thought, "Huh, I wonder if she had anything to say about that?" haha. My computer was being dumb and I haven't had time to go back and fix it.

But anyway, that's right! I'm moving. Not too far away though. About two blocks actually. It's called Belmont Apartments. My new address is going to be 195 E 600 N # 33! You can leave off the exclamation point though. haha. When I offically move in I'll take some pictures of my actual apartment, but that won't be for a couple weeks. YAY! I'm pretty excited if you couldn't tell.

Lessons I've learned at BYU

2008-11-30T18:33:00.004-06:00

1. God is WAY smarter than me

2. Close to nothing will work out the way you plan, but it always works out

3. Learning occurs more often outside the classroom

4. Sometimes to be happy you have to learn to face fears

5. Being trusted is more important than being loved

6. Sometimes choosing the right hurts

7. Sometimes you have to close window to open a door

8. There is no such thing as "normal"

9. Striving for perfection is demoralizing; striving for excellence is empowering

10. No matter how difficult life gets, the important thing is to live it with hope

E'en the Past Enjoy II

2008-11-24T14:46:00.003-06:00

"For he lives twice who can at once employ

The present well, and e'en the past enjoy."

-Alexander Pope

Yes, it's hard to see a beautiful day end. Sometimes it's hard to believe that there will ever be a day as beautiful as the last. My tree lost its leaves, my sun set, and my book ended, and it's true that maybe this day wasn't as beautiful as the last. Maybe my tree didn't have as many leaves as it did the year before... maybe my book didn't end happily. This time.

But once again I am watching my tree lose its leaves; I'm watching my sun set; and yes, I'm reading the last page of that book. And I've learned a lot, and I will never be the same because of this place. It helped me grow and learn about myself, my relationship with people, but most of all my relationship with God. But as I watch the leaves fall from this tree, the sun setting... I can't help but feel a peace. No matter what, everything will work out. It may not be how I planned, but "life's what happens when you're busy making other plans" right? The most important thing I learned here is that no matter what the circumstances, there is always hope. There is always a light shining in the darkness. "Even in the darkness every color can be found." I've learned to find those colors, and not dwell on the darkness. At least for the most part.

So... now on to another book. I'll tell you how this one ends.

Really Interesting Title Insert [here]

2008-11-22T17:33:00.003-06:00

So yesterday was supposed to be my worst day. I hadn't studied for this test that I HAD to take then, and I was freaking out. I kept saying, "I'm going to fail" and this time I wasn't joking. So I go to class (the one for the test) and Dr. Brown tells us that because he made a typo we only have to do 25 points instead of thirty. The test is set up kinda funny, but trust me that's a good thing. Then he said that if our grade on the paper is higher than either test he'll replace our test with our paper grade!!!! AHHHH! So yeah... that was good.

Then I stayed up until 2 the night before (not regrettably though because I had a fanstastic night) and got the programs done for the talent show but since I had to add/delete people I couldn't print them until after work. So I as I was stressing to get that done, I was checking my voicemails and Robyn had called to tell me that someone wants my contract!!!!! YAY!! So now I've already called Belmont and they said they have contracts, and I'm on my way... hopefully. I haven't actually talked to that girl and so I don't know if that's going to work out yet. Wish me luck!

So anyway, one of my worst days also ended up being one of my best. It's funny how things like that seem to happen.

I will now stop telling you about random days in the life of Candice Nicole Burk, and begin writing that paper that definitely needs to be better than that test. I know for a FACT that I'm going to need it. I also know for a FACT that it's not going to be hard to beat the score I got on that test. A baby could probably do it. haha.

Come What May, and Love It

2008-11-14T22:51:00.004-06:00

This was an amazing talk, and while everyone is thinking that I should be focusing on the part about having hope and how eventually everything will be better, that was not the part that stood out to me. I already know everything won't be this way forever, and yes, it hurts now, but I know I will have so much more happiness because of it. This is what stood out to me:

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't--at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretend happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life." Elder Joseph B Wirthlin

Thank you Elder Wirthlin. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to cry. That it's ok to feel pain. That it's ok to be disappointed. Because it seems I'm told a lot that it's a sin to be hurt by others or be disappointed in them. Now I can just let myself feel and not feel bad because I'm being selfish or a brat. Because "pain is pain, and it doesn't matter how you're heart gets broken... it still hurts." I love our leaders. And I love my Heavenly Father for knowing what I needed to hear.

Yet another thought from the girl who blogs too much...

2008-11-13T21:09:00.007-06:00

I mostly think of people as puzzle pieces. Some fit with others, and then some don't fit at all. Some fit a little but you have to shove really hard, and even then there are little gaps, and the big picture doesn't really match up. Sometimes you find puzzle pieces that belong to a different puzzle. Sometimes you are missing pieces. And then finally after much searching you find two pieces that fit perfectly and the big picture becomes a little more clear. And with each fit the picture slowly becomes more beautiful.

Letter to the Broken Hearted

2008-11-10T22:52:00.010-06:00

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

I know that you're hurt

I know that you're scared

I know it's hard to believe

That anyone really cares.

But I do.

I know you want to talk

I see your silent tears

I know you think I'll judge

the reason behind your fears

But I won't

I know your heart is broken

I know you don't know why

I know you think it's silly

that you always want to cry

But I don't

Right now you say you need me

So I am here for you

I know you think I'm busy

That I have better things to do

But I don't

I know no one will listen

I've been there once as well

I know no one will understand

That right now you're in hell

But I will

I won't be here to critique

I won't be here to mend

I won't be here to be rational

I won't be here to defend

I'll just sit and hold you

Like no one else will do

I'll listen without words

I'll just be here with you

Yours with Love Always

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November 4, 2009

2008-11-04T13:10:00.006-06:00

So it's been over a year since I've started my blog. Huh. I wonder if I've changed any? Well next year I want to know if I've changed, so in this post I'm going to put some stuff about my self, and see if anything changes in a year.

Favorites:

Music:

Freckles-Natasha Bedingfield

Happy-Melenie Smith

Say It's Possible-Terra Naomi

Movies:

Pride and Prejudice (any version, recently it's been the mormon version)

Sound of Music

It's been over a year since I stopped watching PG 13 movies, and I've only watched two since then. haha. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and Music and Lyrics

Books:

Twilight series (sadly I guess, but I like them)

anything by Jack Weyland

Food:

Allison's eclair dessert mmmm...

Mashed potatoes

Tomato soup with crushed cheese Pringles in it... yeah I'm weird

Color:

blue

Friends:

Monie (just had a baby), Hannah (is due in April, got married in June), Kat-ryn (is awesome), Tikla (just got into a relationship with Austin (October). I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning that lol)

Roommates:

BDA 30 with Robyn and Allison

School:

Brigham Young University, Psychology major and I LOVE IT!

Work:

BYU Bookstore, Candy Department and I don't love it. I stock things in the Twilight Zone.

Weather:

Rainy... all the time. It just snowed in the mountains. It's been cold cause it's rainy, but to me it really isn't that bad. I don't need a coat very often.

Gas:

Here in Provo, UT it's $2.55, but in Sedalia, MO it's $1.95! It hasn't been that low in a REALLY long time.

Boys:

I stopped writing Justin, but he just sent me an email, so we'll see where that goes.

History:

Today is the presidential election. It's between John McCain (R) and Barack Obama (D). I'm pretty sure Obama is going to win, and I'm also very sure that's not a good thing. Barack Obama is an African American which will definitely make history no matter what, and John McCain's VP is Sarah Palin which is weird because she's a woman. Also, during the primaries, Mitt Romney (a mormon) was actually doing pretty well until he dropped out.

So I guess I'm weird, but I'm curious to see how many of these things are different around this time next year. I guess we'll see.

It's Possible :'(

2008-11-03T22:20:00.002-06:00

SAY ITS POSSIBLE- (Great quality) - Terra Naomi

I see the lights are turning
And i look outside the stars are burning
Through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
Its fine salvation was just a passing thought.

Dont wait act now
This amazing offer wont last long
Its only a chance to pave the path were on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time well sort it out

And though they say its possible to me
I dont see how its probable
I see the course were on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you wont let go
Tell me that you wont let go

And truth is such a funny thing
With all these people
Keep on telling me
They know whats best
And what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us

And though they say its possible to me
I dont see how its probable
I see the course were on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you wont let go
Tell me that you wont let go

Im not alright

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough i know
And the pull of what we cant give up takes hold

Broken Notes

2008-10-30T23:24:00.005-05:00

Some people's lives are beautiful paintings. Vibrant colors fill the canvas. It's full of blue skies and rainstorms and mountains and molehills. Through each beautiful stroke of color you can see the love, the hate, the joy, the anguish. You look at these people and see their beauty, their poise, their value. Everything is laid out in a beautiful portrait of who they are.

But others, yes, some people cannot be beautiful works of art. Not everything can always be laid out for everyone to see. Some people have a beautiful melody. It may take a while to get there, to finally see the beauty. You may have some wrong notes, some minor chords. But at the end you see how all of these things really work into a beautiful melody that, without the wrong notes and minor chords, would have never been that amazing. To love me you have to hear my song. Listen to the hum of my voice when I tell you I'm fine. You'll be amazed at what you'll hear.

Perfection isn't everything

2008-10-28T23:09:00.004-05:00

Cause a face without freckles

is like a sky without stars

Why waste a second

Not loving who you are.

Those little imperfections

Make you beautiful, lovable, valuable

They show your personality inside your heart

Reflecting who you are.

True Beauty

2008-10-23T23:37:00.001-05:00

This shows how beauty is made. I really liked this.

"If you truly expect to realize your dreams, abandon the need for blanket approval. If conforming to everyone else's expectations is the number one goal, you have sacrificed your uniqueness and, therefore, your excellence." - Don Ward

Missing

2008-10-23T20:24:00.003-05:00

What is "missing"? What makes us miss things? I miss my mom, but not all the time. Same for Monie, my brother, my grandma. I even miss things like fields and my cat and my bed and how my house smells and the mess. I really miss the mess. It was more carefree than my life here will ever be. But what exactly am I feeling when I miss these things? What do I want? Cause I don't want to move home. Do I want those things to come to me? I don't really know. What about missing people? Sometimes people are missed even though you just saw them. I heard this quote once that said it's not about the time or the distance; it's about that one moment when you wish they were there. Is that it? Is it about wanting someone's presence? And what does that do for people? I mean if my roommate and I are home and neither of us are talking to each other, how is that different than being alone? Is it the idea that you could talk to someone if you wanted? What is it about being alone that scares so many people? I mean there's this one philosopher a long time ago, I can't remember which one because I'm learning about too many, but he says that to remain happy he had to be away from people. I think I'm very much the same way. Then why do I miss people? What is it about people that makes me go out of my way to make them happy, or to keep them in my life? Especially the ones that don't make me happy. The ones that I have fun times with, but in the long run I end up being hurt by them a lot. Why do I miss that? What about it do I miss? Is it the familiarity? Is it the sense of belonging? I wish I understood what I am missing. Because I don't think it's people. It's something that people are doing for me. Something I can't pin point. But if I ever could pin point it could I ever make myself stop missing it? Could I find a replacement? I know many people that stop missing things. A few of my good friends stopped missing me. Why can't I stop missing them too? What am I missing? I hope I can find it soon. Because this is affecting me way more than it should be.

So Many Beautiful Reasons to be Happy

2008-10-21T23:03:00.001-05:00

Happy - Meleni Smith

Landlord's knocking at my door, cussing me out

Got laid off my job the night before

I can't feel how I'm gonna fix tomorrow when yesterday's still a mess

Can you tell me whats the point when it all seems meaningless?

Wish that I could step away and breathe

This world's trying to swallow me

Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me that it's ok now... what are you worrying about?

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself,

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?

People lie (People lie)

People hide (People hide)

People cry (People cry)

People fight... (People fight) and they don't know why

If fear is all that we should fear, then what are we so afraid of?

Cause fear is all in our heads... So why do we let it control us?

Fear makes me forget how sweet the simple things in life really are

Fear makes me believe that I'm alone

Someone just tell me that it's ok now... what are you worrying about?

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself,

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?

Any day now I will go mad thinking everyone is against me,

And the world wants to fight me

Preparing to batle an enemy unseen

Through my stressing,

I'm blinded to the lessons

That could be a blessing

Iif I be confessin

That the enemy I'm trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it's ok now, what am I worrying about?

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself,

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself,

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?

;)

2008-10-18T15:17:00.003-05:00

I'm having one of those days. Do you know what I mean? Probably not... you probably think I mean one of THOSE days. Today is one of those days when your just happy to be happy. I don't have to be in love, get an A on a test, or get the lead in a play. I'm living. Everything is laid out in front of me. I can learn anything I want. I can go wherever I want. Nothing can hold me down. And I don't have to be anyone else to do it either. If I want to learn to cook, sew, dance, or act then I don't have to worry about who the rest of the world is comparing me to. They don't matter. What matters is that I am happy. Life can be as exciting as you make it. And I think I'm finally ready to begin mine. And I'm not going to depend on anything unreliable ever again. I'm going to sing like nobody's listening, love like I've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like it's heaven on earth. When the skies are blue, the grass is green, the storms have passed, I can finally see that I'm going to thank my Father for the life he's given me. And when the storms come on, and the sky is gray, when the world is dull, now I can finally say, thank you Father for this wonderful day.

I am..

2008-10-18T09:36:00.002-05:00

...idealistic, a peacemaker, diplomatic, refined, poised, gracious, kind, courteous, fair-minded, sociable, charming, artistically creative, affable, cooperative, extroverted, and usually somewhat indecisive.

I thought this was funny because it's how they described my sign. I actually do fit all of them in some way or another.

I ain't in Sedalia anymore

2008-10-08T22:42:00.002-05:00

I heard this song and it sounded WAY too similar not to rewrite it a little. I did it really fast so it's kinda bad, but I want to post it anyway.

Where 65 meets 50,

There's a single stop light town,

And with railways always running,

It was not my favorite sound,

On any given Friday night,

We'd drive a hundred miles,

Between the Sonic and the Grocery Store,

Laughing all the while,

With as many friends as we could pack,

In my best friend's Ford,

But I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

My college in Utah,

Holds more people than our town,

And what I just paid for rent,

Would be a down payment on a house,

I'd rather be tipping cows in Warrensburg,

Than taking buses in Provo,

But I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

I'm in a world so wide,

It makes me feel small sometimes,

I miss the big blue skies,

the old Missouri kind.

In a world of friendly faces,

Where I am understood,

All the “Congratulations” flashing,

Could make a girl feel pretty good,

You can get anything you want here,

Except a Wal-Mart store,

But I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

I'm in a world so wide,

It makes me feel small sometimes,

I miss the big blue skies,

the old Missouri kind.

Where the Tigers beat the Jay Hawks,

Scott Joplin day and the state fair,

After prom, down at the bowling lanes,

Catching crappie fish in Clover Dell lake,

I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

I'm in a world so wide,

It makes me feel small sometimes,

I miss the big blue skies,

the old Missouri kind,

But I ain't in Sedalia,

No I ain't in Sedalia,

Oh, there's nothing like my Missouri.

Where 65 meets 50,

There's a single stoplight town.

I Aint In Checotah Anymore - Carrie Underwood

I really should be studying.

...

2008-10-04T00:45:00.003-05:00

I want to matter...

Zzzzz.....

2008-10-03T23:47:00.004-05:00

Yeah that's pretty much how I feel right now. But I will NOT go to bed. No siree. Or however you spell that.

So right at this moment I am cleaning the kitchen, my bedroom (doesn't look half bad right now), and I'm doing both while listening to Norton Scores on my ipod. I think that... oh and I'm doing laundry... I think THAT is a very productive night. See dates are evil I proved it. I am most productive on Friday nights. What would I do if I had a date. I'd never get ANYTHING done ;)

So anyway, besides the constant running life is pretty much dull. My classes are turning out to be a lot different than I expected. It seems no matter how many times I take classes at college, I still look at my schedule and think, "This is going to be impossible." It never is. Most of the time it's fairly simple. At least I'm pleasantly surprised.

So I've only missed one deadline, and I'm fairly certain that it's a small one, so I'm not worried. Biology thesis. In my opinion the paper will probably be what counts the most. But that's just my opinion.

So I don't really have a social life. I'm kinda too busy. But it's not really bugging me too much. I think I prefer this to spending a lot of time with acquaintances. I'm much too hard on my acquaintances, but any time I'm with any of them I feel like I'm wasting my time. And honestly, I am. So I'm glad I'm busy.

General Conference starts tomorrow. Unfortunately my work has it out for me... again. I have to work for the entire Saturday sessions. The same thing happened last year except it was Sunday, and I was at the MTC. And it happened both semesters. Even funnier is that I'm the only non-full time person who has to work through BOTH sessions. Lame huh? Every one else can at least make it to one or the other.

I'm such a complainer. So anyhow, my mommy is coming to visit me next weekend. It's my birthday next Saturday. I'm going to be 2o. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. I'm kinda excited because I will finally be counted as a real adult (not a teenager), but at the same time... 20 IS SO OLD! lol

So I've pretty much taken up all the doors, the shower rod, suitcases, and the laundry facilities with my wet laundry. It's EVERYWHERE! I love it. My roommate isn't home right now, and Allison is sleeping so what does she care? I'm doing it.

Monie had her baby. Kady Scarlett Combs. I'm so excited. She is such a cute baby. I can't wait to go home for Christmas to meet her. I bet she'll already have sarcastic facial expressions.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but Justin and I are no longer writing or anything. I don't even think we are friends anymore. No wait I did mention that... kinda. I didn't explain anything though. Here's what happened. Justin had been getting a little too obsessed with us getting married and what not... well at some point he thought it would be a good idea to propose. He sent me several pictures, and the first one was him holding a sign that said, "Marry me?" I wrote him back and told him that I couldn't write him anymore. Then he emailed back and asked me if he still had a chance, and I had to say no. He hasn't written me back yet. I still wonder what he's thinking. Is he mad? Is he crying? I know he probably cried. Is he plotting? Does he even care? What is he thinking? But unfortunately I may never know. Because I will never ask, and he will never tell me. If we even talk again. I miss him.

Hannah's pregnant... wasn't sure if I mentioned that either. She's due on my G-ma's birthday. April 7th. This'll be interesting.

I should go check on something... or just try not to fall asleep. I think this is pretty much the update of my life right now. Good night!

Poor Boring Blog

2008-09-28T21:00:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had those days that go on FOREVER. I just had one of those yesterday. It seems like everything that happened yesterday happened a year ago. lol. Gotta love it when that happens.

I don't think I can put what I feel into words. But I don't people are supposed to. If only feelings were like colors. With colors you can come up with random words that describe every level of that color. Can you imagine feeling "tickle-me-pink" or "macaroni"?

I wish we could put everything into words. Do you think there will ever be a time when we can put everything into words? Does the celestial language have a word for everything? I guess if God knows everything that would include how to explain everything. How strange. I wonder what that language sounds like. Maybe it's a combination of several languages. Like how Joseph Smith had to say adieu in Jacob because no English word could justify the meaning behind it. Maybe we will find a definition for all words through all our languages. I doubt it. But I wish I could know more about that. You know, I think that's sad too. That the English language doesn't have a word like adieu. We need to work on that.

And they say that certain animals can see colors outside the colors we can see. Well that means that color exists right? Well, what does it look like? What would we call it? How did we ever come up with white or black in a world where nothing is absolute? How did we come up with any absolutes. Like happy and sad, black and white... and how did we come up with clear? How do you make something clear?

If you can't tell I'm really tired right now and so my brain is flying... not that it's not always that way... annoyingly I might add. I envy people who can turn their thoughts on mute. I wonder sometimes what it's like to think about nothing. Everytime I try to think about nothing, I quite literally think about nothing. And the concept of nothing. Which by the way is another absolute that doesn't ever technically exist. I mean you can have zero apples on a table, so in that sense yes, there is nothing if you mean apples. But there is never nothing. And there is another absolute. Never and always... on this planet, I don't think this exists either. I say on this planet because God is always, our spirits are always, lots of things are always. But earthly wise, nothing is always... ah nothing... I can tell this is going to go on forever.

I wish instead of boring the crap out everyone with my rambling I could just understand all these things. I wish I could comprehend forever and always and happy, but I can't. Maybe eventually I will, but not here.

That's another thing I think drives a lot of us crazy, but it's very true. We will never understand celestial things on a telestial world. Sad to say, that is entirely true. When it comes to things like this I like to think of math. Sick, I know. But math is very much related to religion.

First of all, you can't understand calculus in algebra. Not gonna happen, no matter how hard you try.

Second, laws do set us free. In math we learn more laws, and when we learn those laws we can do more with them. But there are always more laws to add to that. The same goes for progressing. As we progress God gives us higher and higher laws, and when we can learn to obey them he gives us more. But by knowing more and more laws the more power we hold, and therefore the more free we are. Math and religion are very similar.

Ok. I'm done being boring and I seriously need to go to ward prayer. ;D

My Goals

2008-09-26T20:56:00.005-05:00

These are my goals:

1. Try my hardest at whatever I set out to do

2. Listen twice as much as I talk

3. Be happy no matter what may be happening

4. Remember that I matter to my Heavenly Father

(and not care if I matter to my friends)

5. Be of service to others in whatever way they need me to be

6. Love myself no matter my shape, intellect, or abilities

7. Learn a little about a lot of things and learn a lot about a few things

8. Enjoy loving people without letting it hurt me

9. Accept everyone and forgive quickly

10. Do everything and anything that brings me closer to my Heavenly Father

E'en the Past Enjoy

2008-09-21T18:27:00.003-05:00

Every sun sets. Every tree eventually loses its leaves. Every book ends. Every moment changes.

But if the sun never set, we'd never see it rise. If the tree never lost it's leaves we'd never see it bloom. If the book never ended, there'd be no "happily ever afters". It's true that every moment changes. But with each end, there's a new beginning.

And yes, sometimes the sun rises on a cloudy day. Sometimes trees don't bloom as beautiful as the year before. And some books don't have happy endings. But the great thing is, it's a cycle. The sun will eventually set again. The tree will eventually lose its leaves again. And there will always be another book.

Sometimes it's hard to let the sun set when the day has been so beautiful. It's hard to believe that any day could be as beautiful as the one you just had.

But then again. If we never had cloudy days, we could never dance in the rain or see the lightning or hear the thunder. We'd never have that moment when we're lost in God's power.

"For he lives twice who can at once employ

The present well, and e'en the past enjoy."

-Alexander Pope

Uprooted

2008-09-12T10:33:00.003-05:00

The roots have been pulled. They needed to plant her into a new place because her roots had grown too large to fit in the old pot. They searched, but there weren’t many places she could survive so finally they planted her somewhere they thought was nice. She did well there for a while but the scientists saw that she was wilting, and that she needed a new environment fast. But they waited. They slowly pulled the other plants around her, and each one took a small part of her roots. Then they tried to pull her, but she was stuck. Even with the little amount of root she had she still held on. Eventually the scientists got her out of the ground and put her back in the pot for a while. But again she soon grew too big for it. So the scientists planted her in a new place. This time she wasn’t near any other plants. She didn’t wilt this time, but her color was off. She was supposed to be a vibrant green but she was closer to a yellowy green. But even then she was surviving, and the scientists didn’t worry about her anymore.

Locked Out?!

2008-09-04T19:37:00.004-05:00

So... I'm kinda bored. Yes right at this moment I am locked out. I knew I was though. I couldn't find my keys this morning and I thought I wouldn't be back until after 8. But then I realized that I forgot socks for work, and I didn't have my computer or my textbooks and... yeah well. Today was the one day I actually would have liked to go home. lol. It figures.

So classes have BEGUN!! I love all my teachers, but I don't think I can say the same about the subjects they teach. History of Psychol.....zzzz.... oh... um... oh right. I think I can at least force interest in the other classes. I have Music Civilizations 2 and the teacher is hilarious, New Testament with a teacher I've had before, Biology with another awesome teacher and we're studying topics that I actually have a little interest in, Orientation to Psych Major isn't going to be hard so I have to like it, and I'm in an orchestra which I think is going to be really fun. Oh and recently I joined a Weight Lifting class. Weird huh? It's for my generals don't worry. lol.

Work has been going well. It's hard to work that much and get everything else done too, but I think I'll manage. It's hard to believe that I worked that much before, but then again I wasn't taking classes then, and I was bored all the time.

I'm pretty excited about my apartment situation. I mean, by no means will it be perfect, but I think, for me at least, it's going to be fun. My in-my-bedroom-roommate is Robyn. I met her last June when I moved back, and we just barely found out that we were roommates. She goes to UVU, and has served a mission in the Ukraine I think. She's teaching me Russian. Well kinda. I know how to say hi. I don't know how to spell it though, so you will have to take my word for it. hee hee.

So I'm just living day to day now. I really can't wait to go home for Christmas. I want to see Monie and her new baby. Plus, I miss my best friend. It's even harder when I don't have one at all, so I'm super excited to see her. Ooooh, and I'm pretty excited for Justin to get home. I might get to see him soon after too. He's starting to worry me a little bit, but I think it'll be ok. Especially since I just told him that I'm planning on serving a mission. lol

Oh yeah! Big news. When I turn 20, I'm going to start getting ready to go on a misson. That's October 11 which is NOT very far away. My mom was like, "That's funny. I never imagined you going on a mission." Bro. Preble said that finances wouldn't be an issue either. He said, "There'll be some way to pay for your mission, even if I have to do it." He's pretty awesome, and funny. But I've already talked about him enough in my blog. lol.

So that about wraps it up... my life in a little blurb. And what's funny, is most of this occurred in the past week. lol. So onward to studying! YAY! ... not.

Education Week

2008-08-23T02:07:00.003-05:00

Education week is over!!!! Finally. Now the schedule is only going to get weirder until fall finally starts.

I move in MONDAY! I'm pretty excited. They've already started redoing the whole thing. I have a new refrigerator, dishwasher, and soon to be light above the sink. I think they are getting me new carpet too. I'm pretty excited about my roommates too. It's going to be hard though; I can tell. I saw one of my old roommates with her new roommates and that was kind of hard in and of itself. I think I'm finally going to have to realize that they are my OLD roommates. And that my life is totally different and so is theirs. And honestly, I need to figure out a life that doesn't involve them. I figured that out yesterday, and for the second time this summer... I cried. Silly huh? For heaven's sake. I. am. so. emotional. Puhlease! I am not a good adapter. I've gone my entire life with a best friend or friends, and for the next three years I'm going to have to do this college thing like everyone else is, and just enjoy having a ton of friends that won't really mean anything after I graduate. Great. I'm so excited. Man, emo much?

So Deena called me a social bug today. Ha ha. I was like, "No seriously, you don't understand. I am NOT a social bug... anywhere else." Well at the Bookstore she's right. I'm a social bug. Weird. I talk to everyone. Oh and today I had a new experience. I was getting off my break and happened to be walking through General Book (not clocked in, or wearing my apron or name tag) and some lady was like, "Do you work here?" I said, "Um... yeah actually." Wow. I've officially got it printed on my forehead. Unfortunately I didn't work in General Book, so I could only point her in the direction of the information desk, but still... sad.

Deena was funny today. Since it was Education Week this week, we've been stressed like none other. Her especially. Well The Bookstore has been open until 10, and I'm the closing person. Hooray. Well it was like 9:45 and Deena said, "We need to say something mean to Phil." So she said something about the downstairs cooler breaking, and I said, "Wait when did that happen?" And she said, "It didn't." So I looked at her and said, "Oh we're going to lie." So I started looking around the Twilight Zone, searching for things that could have gone wrong today. I came up with the microwave exploding. We changed it to someone putting a hotdog in it with the foil still on to make it more believable. We even added some true ones like: hair in the german chocolate fudge, and the donut guys spilling the donuts, and running out of fruit. We also said that Julia fell down the stairs, someone knocked over the apple barrels and spilled water everywhere, the freezer door got left open and the top icecream melted, the registers crashed (which did happen Tuesday), Carol broke the nut machine (which did happen Wednesday), well... anyhow, you get the point. So we told Phil all of this saying, "Aren't you glad you weren't here, and aren't we glad it's over. lol. It was fun. Everyone was really loopy this week. Even Deena apparently. It was awesome, but I'm glad I don't have to work 2-10 or 1-10 anymore. My whole body hurts.

So that was my life this week. Oh and I talked to Tikla on... Wednesday. Technically. I finally worked up some courage and conquered my fear. I so totally rock and you know it!

So THAT was my life this week. I'm glad it's over, but I'm glad it happened too. Now on to preparing for fall. Puh. So NOT looking forward to that scenario. Well, til the next time I write! Tchuss!

Summer

2008-08-16T11:25:00.004-05:00

You know... this summer has been amazing... and nothing like I predicted it would be. I thought I would be at home bored half out of my mind, especially after Monie and Hannah left. But no... I took action, and I left too. I think that was the best decision I've made in a long time.

This has been one of the best summer's of my life. And honestly all I did was work and read. No joke, that pretty much just sums it up. But I've changed a lot this summer. Outside and in. I have more confidence now. I truly understand that I'm a likable person and that just because one person... or two don't get along with me, that doesn't make me unlovable. It just means that I'm unlovable to them. And honestly, I don't need to be loved by everyone.

You know what helped the most. A couple things really. The first was the BYU Bookstore. A blessing in disguise if you ask me. I was nervous at first. I knew I would be giving things up if I worked at the bookstore, but I did it anyway. I remember last year the one place outside my apartment where I could be myself was the MTC. I didn't think I could ever work in a place that was as much fun. Boy was I wrong. The Bookstore is a thousand times better. And I'm making real friendships where at the MTC I mostly made acquaintances. Not that I don't love them, I just wasn't as close. I've worked at the Bookstore for three months and I still look forward to it. I can't wait until fall when we start getting busier and more crazy.

Also, I don't feel like a burden anymore. Granted I don't vent as much as I used to which probably helps ;D My life is so amazing right now... for no good reason. I'm just deciding that it's good right now. And it is. There's no drama, no instability. That's the one thing I don't like. Not knowing who will stay and who will go. Being afraid of making myself to vulnerable without meaning to. But it's ok. I'm guarding my heart and giving exactly how much is needed for the situation. There's a phrase that I heard once that is so true that I need to remember:

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will, so don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

I figured out that I have people come into my life for all sorts of reasons. Some were meant to stay, some were meant to stay momentarily to change me into the person I was meant to become, and I think some were meant to distract me... to make me think that I am not supposed to be anything. That is not true. God has a plan for me just as much as he does for anyone else.

Another thing I figured out this summer is no one is better than me. Different... of course. But not better. We were all given the trials we can handle, the gifts to help us become great, minds to help us figure it all out in our own way, and hearts to help us love each other for our differences. We are all different. My visiting teachers helped me with that. Last year I was the odd duck out for most of Freshman year. Mostly because I wasn't bubbly and happy and excited about EVERYTHING all the time. I was mellow and sad and happy and zoned out and goofy and obnoxious at times. But that just made me different not worse. My visiting teachers this last summer were like me. I love them to death! We would be talking about guys and people in general and Vanessa told me that, yeah, a lot of guys are attracted to the happy, bubbly, excited girl. But not all of them. Some prefer quiet, sensitive, emotionally well rounded girls. And that goes for a lot of people. So I just have to find the people who love me for me. Which is apparently not that difficult. ;D

Other people who helped me figure this out were Dani and Kathryn. They helped me figure out that even though we don't live together that doesn't mean they are kicking me out of their lives. We'll always be good friends even if we don't see each other for a while. And you know, I think the summer helped me with that too. I probably won't see my old roommates very much anymore, but that's ok. I've created a new less spastic life for myself. One that fits me rather than finding a life that can fit all of them in it too. Because they don't think of people the same way I do. Individuals are very important to me. People are important to them. It's not better or worse... it's just different. And I can see that I only need people in my life who need me in theirs. And those who need me in their lives will keep me there. I won't have to do everything. And now I think I'm at a point where either way it won't matter to me. Because I know I'll be happy either way. So I will let whoever else decide what makes them happy.

I love my life. Everything is working out for the best right now, and I am no longer blind to it. It's an amazing feeling... to see first hand what God does in our lives. I love Him so much and I know He loves me too. He wants me to be the best I can, and He will do everything in his power to help that happen. Sometimes it'll hurt and sometimes it'll be amazing but either way it's for the best! So bring it on!

Like I said this was the best summer of my life!

Awesome Story

2008-08-08T23:50:00.004-05:00

I heard this story at Youth Conference a few years ago and I loved it. Well today I finally remembered it and was able to find it on the internet. YAY!

At a certain college, there was a professor with a reputation for
being tough on Christians. At the first class every semester, he
asked if anyone was a Christian, whereupon he proceeded to degrade
any poor soul that timidly answered "Yes," mocking his/her statement
of faith.
One semester, he asked the question and a young freshman raised his
hand. The professor asked, "Did God make everything, young man?"
He replied, "Yes sir, he did!"
The professor responded, "If God made everything, then he made evil."
The student didn't have a response and the professor was happy to
have once again proved the Christian faith to be a myth.
Then another student raised his hand and asked, "May I ask you
something, sir?"
"Yes, you may," responded the professor.
The young man stood up and said "Sir, is there such a thing as cold?"
"Of course there is, what kind of question is that? Haven't you ever
been cold?"
However, to the professor's surprise, this young chap
replied, "Actually, sir, cold doesn't exist. What we consider to be
cold, is really an absence of heat. Absolute zero is when there is
absolutely no heat, but cold does not really exist. We have only
created that term to describe how we feel when heat is not there."
Then the young fellow continued, "Sir, is there such a thing as
dark?"
Once again, the professor responded "Of course there is."
And once again, the young man replied "Actually, sir, darkness does
not exist. Darkness is really only the absence of light. Darkness is
only a term man developed to describe what happens when there is no
light present."
The final question posed by our young friend went like this, "Sir,
is there such thing as evil?"
The professor responded, "Of course. We have rapes, and murders and
violence everywhere in the world; those things are evil."
The student replied, "Actually, sir, evil does not exist. Evil is
simply the absence of good. Evil is a term man developed to describe
the absence of good. God did not create evil. It isn't like truth, or love,
which exist as virtues like heat or light. Evil is simply the state where good
is not present, like cold without heat or darkness without light."
The professor had nothing to say.

The Insanity Never Stops!

2008-07-27T20:52:00.002-05:00

They made another one!!! Mwah hahahahahahaha! Not sure why that calls for maniacal laughter... but it does.

Memories from my Freshman Year at BYU

2008-07-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

My Freshman Year - Nikki Burk

The Ocean in Me

2008-07-17T20:56:00.003-05:00

This one is my favorite...

I know when a storm is coming on, and I can tell

When tears are gonna fall

And I know what it's like when disappointments seem

To make you feel so small

I've become the extra when I wished to be the lead

And I have been the friend when I wished to be the girl

And sometimes all the faith in the world

Can still never change what isn't meant to be

But if I feel like just a teardrop in the rain

When I meant to be a river

God sees the ocean in me

And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain,

When I ask to be delivered

He shows the ocean to me.

He sees all the things that I can't see,

And He dries every tear that falls down

And sooner or later

He opens my eyes

And finally I turn around

And find that as a servant I had really been a queen

And I had been a diamond when I thought that I was glass

And I know every heartbreak will pass

Just when it seems the hardest to believe

Cause if I feel like just a teardrop in the rain

When I meant to be a river

God sees the ocean in me

And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain,

When I ask to be delivered He shows the ocean to me.

He sees the ocean in me.

And I'm an ocean drawn to the light

Reaching for the sky

Pulled by gravity

And after every storm, I take another shape

Landing on a shore far beyond my dreams.

And if I feel like just a teardrop in the rain

When I meant to be a river

God see the ocean in me.

And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain,

When I ask to be delivered

He shows the ocean to me.

He sees the ocean in me.

-Cherie Call

Somebody Else's Shoes

2008-07-17T20:44:00.002-05:00

Cinderella was a young girl.

She did her best to please the people

who would never let her dreams come true

She wore the rages that they passed down

Until the day she found a perfect pair of shoes

She could tell by the size they were only meant for her

And when she put them on,

from that moment she was sure when she said

"I've been walking too long in somebody else's shoes

I've been tripping on the laces, running into empty spaces

And I've been hanging around with people who make me blue

But I'm not walking anymore in those shoes"

Back here in real life,

I read that story and I wonder if I'm just the same as she

I'm wrapped in worldly visions, and my split decisions

take me places

That I never meant to be

And now the great and spacious building has me

scrubbing down the floors

And I've got to find a way to tell them

I can't work there anymore cause

I've been walking too long in somebody else's shoes

I've been tripping on the laces, running into empty spaces

And I've been hanging around in places that hide the truth

But I'm not walking anymore

In those shoes

Give me shoes that are comfortable on the straight and narrow way

With a soul that God can see straight through

Because my toes are curling under in the ones that

I've been wearing

I need a pair that makes me feel brand new

I've been walking too long in somebody else's shoes

I've been tripping on the laces, running into empty spaces

And I've been hanging around in places that hide the truth

But I'm not walking anymore

In those shoes.

I'm not walking anymore in those shoes.

-Cherie Call

Believe

2008-07-17T20:30:00.002-05:00

I've been there and I've seen with those eyes

green with envy, dark with anger,

Or just plain blue.

And I know the last thing you really want to hear

Is just what I'm about to tell you,

But you have to hear the truth.

I know it's stylish to be cynical these days

So there's only one thing left to do:

Believe

Sometimes traffic lights are green,

Sometimes people keep their word,

In spite of everything you've heard,

It's true that,

Sometimes nice guys finish first,

Sometimes true love really lasts,

Sometimes all the world can change

If only you believe.

Still you say the phone rings every time you want to take a bath

Or take a nap, or you just need peace

But tell me this, did you really want to be

So all alone as you are now?

Don't you need a friend who knows

It's in the way you see the glass

Once you know that it's half full, it overflows

Every time that you

Believe

Sometimes Christmas's are white,

Sometimes wedding days are clear,

Sometimes rain falls right on time

To wash away your tears.

Sometimes cornfields touch the sky,

Sometimes sunsets make you cry,

Sometimes you see what Jesus sees

When you look in the mirror

And love isn't something that is just for everyone else

It's for you

Believe what I say is true

In spite of all the ways you feel right now

You've got to find some way some how to

Believe

Sometimes the good live long,

Sometimes kindness reaches far,

Sometimes you hear your favorite song

Right when you get in the car.

You don't have to move the sky,

But you can chase the clouds away

You don't have to change the world.

You might do it anyway.

Believe

Sometimes nice guys finish first

You don't have to change the world.

You might do it anyway.

-Cherie Call

The Only One Who Knows Me

2008-07-12T12:03:00.001-05:00

Anyhow... I've been thinking about some things a lot lately. Oh and Kathryn you might want to stop reading now this might get a little mushy. lol

I'm getting a little impatient. March 25, 2009. 256 days away. That seems like a lot but he's been gone for a year and 5 months now, so yeah I'm getting a little impatient. What's worse is he may get home on March 25, 2009, but I'll be here in Utah, and he's going home to Missouri. And what if I go to Seattle for the summer? And what if he doesn't go to LDSBC? I have no clue when I'll actually get to see him. And honestly I really miss him. So far he's the only person I've been able to count on. We've had our ups and downs true, and there have been times when he's treated me really badly. I mean the year before his mission we didn't really talk to each other at all. Up until about a month before his mission that is. But for some strange reason no matter what was going on with us I knew I could go to him and he would drop almost anything to come help me. Weird huh?

I think it also helps that he knows me better than anyone on the planet. Including my own family. He notices everything. He can order for me at almost any restaurant. He knows how I eat square and round sandwiches and hot pizza. He knows my favorite color and movie. He even knows what my insecurities are. He's used that one against me. If he would have been around last year he would have seen my situation and without me having to say anything he would have just known how I was feeling. I was listening to this song called "Soulmate" and it says that we are all looking for someone who knows how to love us. Justin does. Freakishly well. I think it helped that he got to witness others mistakes as well. He was there for me for my whole relationship with Samuel, and he, unlike Samuel, go to hear my thoughts and feelings. He knows what bothers me now. He did before too. He knew exactly how to push my buttons when he wanted to. See most the people in my life now accidently hurt my feelings or annoy me. Half the time they don't realize it. He knows and does it on purpose, the little punk.

But after all that, I still really miss him. I miss not having to explain myself. Or try to figure myself out because he always understood. It's good that I understand why I feel weird things at random times, but I miss having someone I can go up to with a smile on my face and he asks me what's wrong. No one knows me that well. I'm getting really impatient.

Love Like This

2008-07-08T18:31:00.001-05:00

Love Like This - Natasha Bedingfield featuring Sean Kingston

This reminds me of someone... hmmm :P

Institute

2008-07-02T22:28:00.003-05:00

Let me just start by saying I love institute. It is so amazing. My favorite quote so far is "Don't judge other people for choosing to commit different sins than you." So true. lol. We also had this one conversation about how everything always needs to be perfect. He asked how many of us had tried to be perfect and almost everyone raised their hand. Then he said, "Well I can see that didn't work." He is an amazing teacher. Those were just some funny things. Oh on the same lines as the perfection thing... we were talking about people who act like they are happy all the time. His statement was funny. He said, "Those people who seem to be happy all the time, there's something wrong with them... no seriously there's something wrong." He said there's nothing wrong with being happy, but be genuinely happy. We all have bad moments, so let them out and move on. Then one girl responded with, "Let your defenses down, and let someone love you." I can obviously take that to an extreme, but I'm working on it. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy though.

But anyway, we had our lesson on Elder Scott's talking about healing after abuse. At the beginning I didn't think it applied to me, but towards the end it was all I could do to not start crying. I discovered a few things about myself last Tuesday. I haven't forgiven my father for not loving me; I haven't learned to love myself and therefore have difficulty loving anyone else; and most importantly I haven't learned to love my Heavenly Father, but I want to desperately. The whole talk was about how to seek healing. Up until that night, I didn't think I was in need of any. I now know that I am, and that I need to talk to my Father. My real Father.

On Sunday, my second counselor challenged me to have "my knees be the first thing that hits the floor when I wake up". He told me to tell God about what I know I'm going to do today, and to help me through that, and to help me through what I don't know is going to happen. I half heartedly accepted. I really wanted to, but I knew by the next morning I would forget.

And that's exactly what happened. Funny thing though. I went visiting teaching that night (last day, I know, but I just got my assignment so I'm using that as an excuse). So our first sister wanted me to say the closing prayer. I was like "Sure!" And in my head I was like "Oh no." I'm very uncomfortable with praying and public speaking. Don't ask me why. Then we go to our second sister... who also wanted me to say the closing prayer. Then I went to FHE (literally I was actually late for FHE because of visiting teaching)... and they wanted me to say the closing prayer. I finally gave up and said, "Ok Heavenly Father... I get it."

Sad to say, the next morning I forgot as well. And this morning I forgot, but I was about to go take my shower and I remembered. So I went back in my room, and asked Heavenly Father to help me at work, and to help me know what portals I should open and which ones I should walk away from.

Here's the weird thing. I saw Dr. Day at work today. Dr. Day was my Intro to Family Processes teacher. Even weirder was... he remembered me. He had two classes with about 200 people in each class. He didn't remember my name, but he said, "You were in my 160 class... afternoon right?" I was a little shocked. But I was glad that I saw him because I've always wanted to thank him. See, his class was the one that helped me finally decide on a major. Especially the part about specializing in children. So I told him my story and thanked him. Then he invited me to do this research opportunity. He talked about it last fall, but I thought I was too young. He told me to email him and we could see about getting me into the 403R class that trains people to do research, and then next summer I would be working in Seattle conducting research. Crazy huh? I think I learned a valuable lesson from this. My Father is waiting patiently to bless me... I just need to ask. I've been receiving his help on important decisions without asking, but there has been so much more he has had to offer. Right now everything has just been working out. But with His plan... things could be amazing. I will try really hard to keep up with the second counselor's challenge. I need it for other reasons too.

Brother Preble is the counselor who gave me that challenge and he told me two really cool things.

1. If I knew who I was in the pre-existence then I would never doubt myself here on earth.

2. This was more of a story. He asked me if I was born in the church. Then he said. 20 years ago 1 in 1000 people were LDS. He said to picture a beautiful room where I was looking out into eternity... waiting to go to earth. In this room with me were 999 other people. All of them were talking about what was going to happen. What is was going to be like to have a body. Then there is a hush. And Christ walks into the room. He looks at every single person. A look that says, "No matter what happens, everything will be ok." Then he comes over to me and says, "You're the one. You are the one who will be born a member of My church."

I got shivers from that one. I am very lucky to have been born a member, and to have known my whole life the truth about life. That's an amazing blessing. And to whom much is given much is required.

My blogs have been getting really religious lately... what can I say? But that doesn't bother me. I'm writing about the things that are leaving an impression on me. And if they all happen to be religious then so be it.

Time Flies!

2008-06-29T22:46:00.003-05:00

So I have been up to a lot and I just realized that I haven't really updated info on my life. whoops. Well the biggest news is that a couple weeks ago I got a job stocking things at the BYU Bookstore. I work for the Candy Department, and therefore get all the perks. I sample fudge, eat spilled candy, get free pizza and hot dogs sometimes, and even orange juice. Not to mention the 20% discount and 10% discount on textbooks. I'm pretty excited. The people I work with are amazing too. The funniest has to be Phil. He makes up the most hilarious and random signs. My favorite has to be "The Epistle of Phil to the Stockites". The whole thing was written like it was in the Book of Mormon. It was hilarious.

Anywho, today was church. I also had my Bishop's "get-to-know-you" interview and Bro. Preble kidnapped me too. I will have to admit that when I was talking with the bishop I was a little hesitant. Afterward I called my mom and even started crying because I missed Bishop Madsen. He is an amazing man though. We had joint Priesthood/Relief Society today and he gave the lesson. It was all on marriage and dating. Whoopee. But seriously, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I always tell myself that I'm not thinking about marriage right now, but that's not really true. Especially since I've only been on one date since I've been out here. I kept thinking "No one wants to even date me, who is going to want to marry me?" And then I would just figure that I'm going to marry Justin. But the Bishop said something that surprised me a little. He said "you have the right to be romantically in love with the person you are going to marry". He also told us to believe that we can have that kind of love. I like that he didn't tell us to hurry up and get married. He told us to take our time, and wait for the right person. We deserve to be the happiest we can be. I really liked that.

He was pretty funny too. He said something like, "We have some really wonderful sisters in this ward... the elders are... ok." It was funny. He's British too. He was announcing that Glen Beck was speaking tonight about America. Then he said something like, "I really like America, that's why I always leave the country during the fourth of July and go back to Britain." It was a lot funnier when he said it though. And he really is leaving to go to visit his family in England on Tuesday.

I'm going to bring my laptop to work tomorrow and put up some pictures of my FHE doing our service project. It was really fun.

This is going to sound really lame, but I have so much going for me right now. I'm making all sorts of new friends, I have a job, a great ward, I fit in pretty well, but something is missing. Right now I'm just content. Not that that's bad. I'm happy really. I just feel like something is missing. I think I just miss having a best friend. But you know what, eventually I think I'll get used to it, and I'll laugh about the times when I needed one. It just takes a little time I suppose. Well I should "go to bed" aka "read The Host". I was doing really well at going to bed at a decent hour too. Well it's not like I need to right now. I go to work at like noon. Well "good night".

We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet

2008-06-24T10:53:00.004-05:00

I know without question, my brothers and sisters, that God lives. I testify to you that this is His work. I testify as well that our Savior Jesus Christ is at the head of this Church, which bears His name. I know that the sweetest experience in all this life is to feel His promptings as He directs us in the furtherance of His work. I felt those promptings as a young bishop, guided to the homes where there was spiritual—or perhaps temporal—want. I felt them again as a mission president in Toronto, Canada, working with wonderful missionaries who were a living witness and testimony to the world that this work is divine and that we are led by a prophet. I have felt them throughout my service in the Twelve and in the First Presidency and now as President of the Church. I testify that each one of us can feel the Lord’s inspiration as we live worthily and strive to serve Him.

It was said of the Savior that He “went about doing good . . . for God was with him. May we follow that perfect example. In this sometimes precarious journey through mortality, may we also follow that advice from the Apostle Paul which will help to keep us safe and on course: “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

We are waging a war with sin, my brothers and sisters, but we need not despair. It is a war we can and will win. Our Father in Heaven has given us the tools we need in order to do so. He is at the helm. We have nothing to fear. He is the God of light. He is the God of hope. I testify that He loves us—each one.

Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?”⁶ We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.

With all my heart and the fervency of my soul, I lift my voice in testimony today as a special witness and declare that God does live. Jesus is His Son, the Only Begotten of the Father in the flesh. He is our Redeemer; He is our Mediator with the Father. He loves us with a love we cannot fully comprehend, and because He loves us, He gave His life for us. My gratitude to Him is beyond expression.

I invoke His blessings upon you, my beloved brothers and sisters, in your homes, in your work, in your service to one another and to the Lord Himself. Together we shall move forward doing His work.

I pledge my life, my strength—all that I have to offer—in serving Him and in directing the affairs of His Church in accordance with His will and by His inspiration, and I do so in His holy name—even the Lord Jesus Christ—amen.

-President Thomas S. Monson

Funny Coincidences

2008-06-16T10:52:00.005-05:00

So how's this for funny. My new roommate said "Just peachy" twice (though not in reference to her mood), we have the same color towels, and she likes to listen to super happy (most the time religious) music. So I still think I'm going to listen to my rock when she isn't home. :p

So speaking of Tikla (in case you didn't get it, the last paragraph were similarities to Tikla), Amber and I were watching Veggie Tales yesterday. There is one story that I LOVE that's about Snoodles. It actually also sounds like a story Tikla told me about dots and stars. Well at least that was what it made me think of. Ok, so I'm just going to dedicate this post to Tikla since everything in it involves her some how. Hey Tik, I don't know if you'll ever read this but I love you and miss you.

PS Bob the Tomato is the narrator. Oh yeah and sorry it's kinda long.

Far, far away in the land of Galoots,

Where the biggle-bag trees, bear their biggle-bag fruits,

And far-lilly bushes all blossom in yellow,

And thimbuttle plants squirt snooberry jell-o.

Here where the mountains of rocky-ma-goo

Rise high o’er the meadows of gilda-manjoo,

Where sunsets are painted with purple and blue,

You’ll find a small town, not much bigger than you.

Welcome to Snoodleburg, home of the snoodles!

A curious folk who eat pancakes with noodles

And spend half their days making sketches and doodles

And cutting their hair into shapes like French poodles.

Now, right in the heart of this curious town,

Is a curious building—the tallest around!

With a clock at its top and a chute at its bottom,

‘tis pink in the Spring and turns red in the Autumn.

But weirder by far than its colour or height

Is what happens there every fourth Tuesday night.

As strange as it seems, it has demonstrated

That Snoodles aren’t born, but rather, “created.”

Every fourth Tuesday at quarter past nine,

The tower would shimmy and rattle and whine,

And as the town nibbles on biggle-bad fruit,

A shiny young Snoodle will drop from the chute!

That’s where they come from, though no one knows why,

Nor who could have built the great tower so high.

These “mysteries of life” befuddled most Snoodles,

Who’d much rather focus on pancakes and noodles

And cutting their hair into shapes like French poodles.

Yes, most found the tower too noisy and strange

Until one small Snoodle made all of that change.

This little Snoodle was much like the others.

He came without siblings, no sisters or brothers.

He came without money, a mom or a dad.

The pack on his back was all that he had.

“This is peculiar.” The little guy said.

“I came from a chute and I fell on my head.

What do I look like? What am I for?”

He pondered those questions—and then thought of more.

“Checking my bag is a good place to start.”

He pulled out some paints. “Maybe I’m good at art!”

The next thing he found was a Snoodle-kazoo.

“Hey what do you know! I can make music too!”

Then back on his pack, he pulled a small string.

And out from the sides popped two little wings.

“Amazing!” He said, with a gleam in his eye.

“I can paint, play kazoo, and now I can fly!

Wait ‘til the others see all the great things

I can do with my paints, my kazoo and my wings!”

So he packed up his paints and his Snoodle kazoo,

And he hopped off to show them all what he could do.

There from the top of a short, stubby wall,

The big Snoddles heard the new small Snoodle call.

“Come watch me, you guys, as I head for the sky!”

He straightened his wings with a gleam in his eye

Then he jumped and he flapped like the red-snootered finches

That fly from the plains to the peak of mount ginchez.

His flight, unlike theirs… “Oof” covered only twelve inches.

“You call that flying? You think you’re a bird?

We’ve never seen anything quite so absurd!”

The old Snoodle snorted, he sniggered, he shook.

“I’ll paint you a picture to show how you looked!”

The brush strokes were skillful; the colours were coolish.

The story they told made the young one feel foolish.

“Take it from us…” said a Snoodle named Lou.

“Flying just isn’t what you’re meant to do!”

The young Snoodle drooped. He felt his heart sag.

The painting, the old Snoodle placed in his bag.

“Carry this with you…” the old Snoodle said.

“So visions of flying don’t go to your head.”

The weight on his back was as heavy as lead.

So under the weight of the picture he bore,

He hobbled along, feeling lonely and sore.

‘til up far ahead on a bench near the tower,

he spied a bright bundle of far-lilly flowers.

His heart started lifting. “What beautiful things!”

Then he remembered. “I’ve got more than wings!”

So quickly, he dug the paints out of his pack

And hoped that with art, maybe he’d have the knack.

“I did it!” He yelled to the Snoodles in town.

Then held up his picture as they gathered round.

“You did it all right.” Said the Snoodles replying.

“You showed you’re no better at painting than flying!”

Then one of them laughed, and while eating a waffle

Painted a picture that made him feel awful.

“You’re puny.” “You’re silly.” “You’re not all that smart.”

“You can’t use your wings.” “And you’re no good at art.”

That picture too was placed in his pack

And made his heart slump just as low as his back.

“I’m ugly. I’m foolish, and so very small.

I don’t think I should be with Snoodles at all.”

And so he decided to get out of town.

His wings hung so low that they dragged on the ground.

He walked past the tower and out of the city.

He walked through the fields and thought… “My, this is pretty.

The far-lilly bushes all blooming in yellow,

And thimbuttle plants squirting snooberry jell-o.

I might like it here.” Said the small Snoodle fellow.

Then feeling some warmth coming back in his chest,

He thought he would sit for a moment and rest.

But try as he might to sit down with grace,

The weight on his back knocked him flat on his face!

“Oof!” “Ha! That’s a hoot! Said a voice from behind.

A farmer stood up with a thimbuttle vine.

“Why you need a picture, my Snoodleberg bud,

lest you forget how you look in the mud!”

And so in an instant, the picture was done—

And placed in his backpack, which now weighed a ton!

The poor Snoodle struggled, he wobbled, he groaned,

He stood to his feet and he said with a moan,

“Is there anywhere I can be truly alone?!?”

Just then, over head, flew two red-snootered finches,

Winging their was toward the peak of mount ginchez.

“I see.” Said the Snoodle. “Then that’s what I’ll do.

The home for those finches will be my home, too.

So painfully, struggling under his pack,

The small Snoodle inched up the big mountain’s back.

He crawled over boulders in rain and in lightning.

He trudged on and on though the journey was frightening.

‘Til finally on Sunday at quarter past two,

he spied all the meadows of gilda-manjoo

and realized he was on top of mount ginchez!

Alone with the wind, and his thoughts, and the finches.

He thought of the Snoodles. He thought of the tower.

He thought of the bell that would chime on the hour.

He thought of his pack and his very long walk.

He thought it so loudly, he heard his thoughts talk!

“Hello.” Said his thoughts. “You’ve made quite a climb!”

“That voice” He remarked, “Doesn’t sound much like mine.”

Then he turned and he noticed he wasn’t alone,

For a man stood behind near a cave in the stone.

He looked like a Snoodle, though quite a bit bigger.

“Maybe a giant.” The small Snoodle figured.

“I’m going!” The Snoodle boy said with a huff.

“And don’t paint a picture, I’ve got quite enough!”

“But first come inside.” The man said… “Have some tea!

I’m very pleased that you’re visiting me!”

The Snoodle boy stopped, though he’d only gone inches,

And stared at the stranger he’d found on mount ginchez.

He didn’t seem angry. In fact, he looked kind.

The poor little boy was confused. “Are you blind?

I’m puny! I’m silly! I’m not all that smart.

I can’t use my wings and I’m no good at art!”

The stranger leaned down with a pain in his heart.

“Who told you these things?” he asked. “How do you know?”

“These pictures I have in my pack tell me so.”

The small Snoodle sniffled, and started to go.

“First if you please, let me look at this art

that makes your pack heavy and weighs down your heart.”

Then picture by picture, the unpacked the bag

That bent the poor Snoodle and made his wings sag.

“Dear boy…” Said the man… “These look nothing like you!”

Then into the fire the pictures he threw.

He rose from his chair, saying… “Wait there—you’ll see

That what you need most is a picture from me!

The Snoodle sat patiently, sipping his tea.

Then from a room in the back he returned

and said… “Dear little Snoodle, it’s time that you learned

what you really look like!” And he threw off the sheet.

And what the boy saw warmed him right to his feet.

The boy in the portrait looked older and strong.

With wings on his back that were sturdy and long

And a look in his eye, both courageous and free.

“Sir…” asked the boy. Are you saying that’s… me?

I’d like to believe it, but sir, I’m afraid to.”

“I know who you are…” The man said… “For I made you.

I built the tower and set it in motion.

I planted the meadow, put fish in the ocean.

And I feed the finches, though most Snoodles doubt it,

Not one of them falls that I don’t know about it.

I’ve seen you fall down in the mud and the goo.

I’ve seen all you’ve done, and all you will do.

I gave you your pack, and your paints and you wings.
I chose them for you. They’re your special things.

The Snoodle-kazoo is so you can sing

About colors in Autumn or flowers in Spring.

I gave you your brushes in hopes that you’d see

How using them, you could make pictures for me.

Most of the Snoodles…” The old one said sadly.

“Just use their paints to make others feel badly.”

The young Snoodle pondered the things he’d been told.

Then wondering something, grew suddenly bold.

“But sir, if you made this incredible land,

can’t you make Snoodles obey your command?”

The big one smiled warmly, then said to the small…

“A gift that’s demanded is no gift at all.”

With that the small Snoodle reached into his pack,

And pulled out the picture he’d made ten miles back.

“They’re far-lillies, sir, from over the bridge.”

The old one beamed bright and said… “That’s for my fridge!”

After the small Snoodle’s picture was hung,

The old one bent down to the face of the young.

He said… “Here’s what you look like; here’s how I see you.

Keep this in your pack and you’ll find it will free you

From all of the pictures and all of the lies

That others made up just to cut down your size.

And lastly your wings. You know what they’re for!

But not just to fly, son, I want you to soar!”

“But sir…” said the Snoodle… “How can I fly?

This picture’s so big, I won’t get very high!”

“But this picture’s special—it’s bigger and brighter.

Carry it close and I think you’ll feel lighter.”

As soon as he heard it, the Snoodle looked down

And noticed that he was an inch off the ground!

He laughed and he leaped, and he flew from the cave

Feeling now older and stronger and brave

And he flew through the clouds and he flew with the finches

And soared up and down ‘round the peak of mount ginchez.

He flew over far-lilly bushes in yellow,

And thimbuttle plants squirting snooberry jell-o.

He flew over biggle-bag trees and their fruits

In big, lazy loops o’er the land of Galoots.

Then hurried back home to the center of town

Where the Snoodles all stood with their wings on the ground,

And starting precisely at quarter past two…

He told them the story that I just told you.

THE END

If Anything Can Go Wrong It Will Part 2

2008-06-11T14:46:00.001-05:00

So here is the continuance of my "If Anything Can Go Wrong It Will" story.

Sunday I spent the night with Kathryn... nothing went wrong there; that was really fun. I rock at Wii bowling. lol. So the next day I go at 9:30 to sign my contract, but there was a sign on the door that said it wasn't going to be open until 11:30.

So I get back in the car, but when Kathryn started it it started making a funny noise. So she turned the car off but the noise didn't stop, actually it got worse. So we opened the hood (or trunk if you're Kathryn) and smoke started coming out and one part of the engine was vibrating. Later it started crackling. Then this guy came over to help and cut a few wires and eventually the thing stopped. He told us that if we'd let it go for about one more minute, it would have probably burst into flame.

So Kathryn's mom came to get us and we did some running around. When we went back at 11:30 the sign said noon. Then we went running around again, and came back at around noon, but the sign had been changed to 2. So we decided to just stay and figure the car (which is now in the back of where Rose Hallows office is) they called Kathryn's brother and he took a look at the car then waited around for the tow truck. We got my boxes and they helped me move in.

So that was Monday. Something was definitely trying to get me to not move in. :)

Well that night I went to FHE with Natalie and had a blast. They had a lesson about the apostasy and everyone was really interested. There was a discussion and everything. Then they went downstairs to surprise this girl for her birthday. Natalie, Addison (one of the FHE dads) and I went upstairs to filled up water balloons. Afterward we played water balloon volleyball across the balconies. It got pretty entertaining, especially when our team decided to grab some balloons and just chuck them over. Then everyone decided to go to The Elms pool to go swimming with their clothes on. Everyone seems really awesome.

Then last night I went to Institute for the first time, and the teacher is amazing. He is really funny, but he stays focused. He even makes us participate in smaller groups. He is very passionate about the gospel. We talked about two of Elder Oaks' talks. The first was Testimony and afterward he had us bear our testimonies to each other because Oaks said that more testimonies are gained on the feet bearing them than on the knees asking for them. The second talk was "Good, Better, Best". We talked about some examples and somehow got on the topic of books, and now we've all been challenged to read one book a week.

So yeah I'm so excited. Now I'm waiting to see if I get this job at the Bookstore. I have an interview tomorrow wish me luck.

If Anything Can Go Wrong It Will

2008-06-08T01:47:00.002-05:00

It's been a couple days since I've blogged. But that's ok because Kathryn is the only one who checks this and she is already updated, so this is mainly for me. lol. So my very long week started Wednesday.

Hannah wanted me to try to catch the morning flight which means I had to get up at 4 in the morning to get to KC in time. I saw Monie there, and she's been there since her flight the day before because she couldn't make it. Well they called my name, but because Monie had been there so long I let her go first, so I missed that flight. Then I waited for my original flight at 2:15.... 6 hours later. I missed that one too, and they said that the 5:18 flight was full, so Mom and I went home.

The next flight was at 7:05 the next morning so I was up at 3 to get there on time. Luckily I made that flight. Just in case anyone reads this I'm not going to go into detail about the wedding because I don't want to accidentally offend someone. Mostly it was fun... but it had it's moments.

Then I finally got my stuff with Aunt Patty, and got back here with Jana. I tried to move in to my apartment, but the lady who said they would be open was mistaken. So I'm going to move in on Monday.

Also the employment office was closed so I couldn't take the OST. So yeah, anything that could go wrong did.

But I went to the Orem Library today to surprise Kathryn and convinced her to come to the movies with me and some other people. It was really fun, and I was really excited to see her. It's pretty late so I'm going to try to go to sleep unless these people don't leave :) That would be ok though because they're really cool. Anywho, wish me sleep!

Courage

2008-06-03T15:39:00.009-05:00

Courage is the greatest of all virtues, because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others.

-Samuel Johnson

Zeit

2008-06-01T21:49:00.005-05:00

I have always been fascinated by time.

It's an amazing thing really.

It heals broken hearts

and open wounds.

It brings new opportunities

and memories.

Yet it also helps us forget the old ones.

It has no beginning

and no end.

It is constant,

and yet it is relative to our perspective.

No one can see it or feel it or hear it.

We can only try to measure it,

but even then we can only make it up.

It's funny how little we know about time.

Yet no one questions its existence.

You know, maybe sometimes we have to just know something exists.

Maybe we aren't meant to understand everything.

Ha Ha :-} So True!

2008-05-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

Girl's in the City.... Uh Oh!

2008-05-25T16:21:00.017-05:00

After the bridal shower we went to Monie's. We saved a little extra for ourselves. lol

The next day we went to Kansas City to Union Station to see some stuff there. Hannah wanted to go and her birthday is tomorrow. This was the diner that we ate in.

Whitney and Tiffy... who's not supposed to be in the picture.

Whitney and Tiffy... now Tiffy is supposed to be in the picture.

Monie and Hannah... they asked me to take a picture so I just randomly did it while they weren't paying attention. Hee hee. I'm evil. It's not to bad though.

Me and Tiffy. That's the tie-dyed shirt we made at Monie's. I totally forgot a shirt and so I had to wear this one which is too big. Puh.

Monie is so pregnant! It is very cute though. It's fun to rub her belly.

They stamped all of our hands for the show, so we are pounding it to show them off. Is that how you would say that? It sounds weird. Oh... ps... my hand is the darkest one surprisingly, then going clockwise it's Tiffy, Whitney, Hannah, and Monie.

Gee, I wonder where I got this idea. lol

Monie, me and Tiffy waiting for the show to start.

Hannah went to a 3D show by herself because I ended up buying the last ticket. I gave it to her because she is the only one who really wanted to go.

Monie and Tiffy taking a picture of the WWI museum that was across the street.

I got/had to drive home. It was 5:30 in the afternoon which means it was rush hour. We already had to take a detour to get to the station, so we had trouble figuring out how to get out. Then I found the street we took from I-70, but it was a one-way, so I had to find a way to get back to East 70, so we could get home. We made it home... eventually. But it was stressful!

Hannah's Bridal Shower

2008-05-25T15:37:00.015-05:00

I started with the food table because that's what I was in charge of. I am pretty proud. I was pretty good at decorating but I wasn't very good and remembering to refill the trays. Whoops!

Cora and Hannah enjoying some strawberries with chocolate.

Jerica and Leah doing Jello shots. lol I thought it was hilarious because they are four.

Monie with baby Isaac. Monie put this whole thing together and did a very good job. The whole shower was really fun.

Monie thought it would be fun to have Mocktails for the party. So we had mockaritas, mocktinis, alcohol-free jello shots. And for those who didn't like those she brought beer and light beer (IBC rootbeer and cream soda)

Hannah and me

Sierra, Monie, and Hannah with their Mockaritas.

The first game we played was guess what the bride was wearing. There was nothing interesting to take pictures of so I'm just stating that that was the first game. The second game however did have something interesting to take pictures of. Monie, prior to the shower, asked Daniel (the future groom) several questions. The second game we played involved Hannah trying to answer the questions correctly. For every answer she got right she put in one piece of gum. For a wrong answer she had to put in three. Monie threw in some trick questions too. So it was pretty entertaining.

Yeah Hannah keep it all in there. It's getting pretty gross!

Ewwwwwww!

The third game we played was ugliest bridesmaid gown. I made a crack about Hannah already finding that one... she hit me. Well each team was given streamers and toilet paper. Here are the outcomes.

Yellow team's model was Cora Comfort! She's awesome!

Pink team's model was Whitney Bell also one of Hannah's bridesmaids.

Yellow team won, but Pink team got kudos for ugliest headdress :)

Me, Sis. Kelley, and Hannah. I miss Julie... we get to have dinner with her on Friday!

This picture is a little blurry... these are Hannah's guests for her wonderful bridal shower.

Back: Melissa Rivas (holding Santana), Annie Bidia, Carmen Fredrick, Mary Beard, Liz Sullivan, Sierra Fredrick, Whitney Bell, Julie Kelley, and Lillian Redford

Middle: Holli Casey, Hannah Smith (not really a guest), Heather Redford (holding baby Isaac), Monie Combs (behind), and Tiffany Miller

Front: Elise Kelley, Jerica Leonard, Natalya Bidia, and Leah Sullivan (and Cora Comfort already left):

and obviously me but... I'm taking the picture :)

The Kelleys

2008-05-19T22:30:00.004-05:00

Me with baby Isaac... he's so cute. And he just woke up so he was extra cuddly.

Me talking to Julie... my favorite person ever! ;)

Mommy and son...PS Kathryn, this is Kurt's older sister. Oldest sister actually lol

Daddy and son. Jeff Kelley was my seminary teacher for the first semester of my senior year. While Hannah and I were there he kept making cheesy scripture mastery jokes. He's funny.

We didn't get any pictures of Seth, Talmage or Elise, but we're going back for dinner on the 30th maybe I can take pictures of them then. :)

This is Home

2008-05-18T19:14:00.003-05:00

I've got my memories
They're always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe it now
I've come too far
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known

[Chorus]
This is Home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it,
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I've got my heart set on what happens next
I've got my eyes wide and it's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

[Chorus]

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

[Chorus]

Now I know, Yeah this is home
I've come too far
No, I won't go back
This is home

Lessons I've Learned From Boy Meets World

2008-05-16T18:40:00.008-05:00

"From the beginning of time... men have been idiots." -Eric

"If you're a real butt-head, the neat ghosts will take you to cool places" -Cory

"Eric: You said to me that there would come a time where you weren't going to be around anymore and that's not so.

Alan: Eric...

Eric: No no no... no Dad. I remember everything you taught me. And I'm going to turn around and teach my children. So you see Dad you're always gonna be around."

"Feeny: My citizenship class is starting a series of practice tests this week. Unfortunately, I have a scheduling conflict. I need you to proctor.

Eric: Me? Proctor? Proctor Mathews.

Feeny: You know what a proctor is...?

Eric: Yeah. It's a tushy doctor."

"You know what we all make mistakes, okay? But that's all right, because love doesn't require you to be perfect. But it does require you to forgive." -Cory

"Shawn: Cor, what I'm about to tell you is gonna make you wanna kill me.

Cory: I'm not gonna kill you, Shawn. It takes too much time to break in a new best friend."

"Cory: So you think I'm a geek?

Shawn: Of course not.

Cory: So you think I'm cool?

Shawn: Of course not.

Cory: Then what am I?

Shawn: You're Cory, I'm Shawn, just like it's always been. What else do you need to know?"

"You don't get it. We're in college now. We're being judged on a whole new level! Theories and footnotes--shades of meaning--nuance--spelling--where does it end, WHERE DOES IT END!" -Eric

"Jack: Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself.

Shawn: So why are all the other pages blank?

Eric: Nothing else seemed important."

"No matter how difficult life gets, the important thing is to live it with hope." -Topanga

"If you really care for each other, you don't throw away the most important bond you have... your friendship." -Amy Mathews

"Eric: This haircut represents the NEW Eric, the SMARTER Eric.

Jack: What are you going to do when it grows back?

Eric: It won't grow back. I've got the receipt."

"So that's what I feel love is... when I'm better because she's here." -Cory

"I believe in love like I believe in God: you can't touch it, you can't see it, but you can feel it's wrath." -Cory

"I believe a person is responsible for their own destiny and they can be anything they want if they want it bad enough and they never give up." -Topanga

"You think that's what makes you a good father? I mean, yeah, you taught me how to swing a bat, but any Little League coach could do that. I mean, it was more important that you were there after I struck out. You made me feel better. You're always there for me, man. Just to listen to me, to give me advice. You know, to help me get through stuff. Just like you did today. You're never going to be too old to do that." -Eric

"Feeny: Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good.

Topanga: Don't you mean do well?

Feeny: No, I mean do good."

"Cory: You comin' with us Mr. Feeny? You gonna sneak up on us in Central Park or something?

Feeny: Nooo... I shall remain here.

Cory: No, you'll always be with us. As long as we live, ok? (Walks out of room)

Feeny: I love you all. Class dismissed."

These are some of my favorite quotes. Obviously, some of them are jokes, but some I thought were really good lessons. I excluded some of the best Eric quotes... he's a ditz. Maybe I'm pathetic... don't care :)

Hooray the Ides of May!

2008-05-15T20:33:00.008-05:00

Well May is HALF OVER! That means that my stay here is more than half over. It's a little sad, but I'm so excited to be back in Utah. Actually I really can't wait to be back in Utah and moved into my new apartment. I'm going to be homeless for a little while. Well today has been stupendous! But let me begin with Tuesday.

So guess what! My mom FINALLY got a new car last Tuesday. We've had the same crappy car for over five years, and I am very

excited to get a new one. Granted my mom doesn't pick very good cars and so this one has these problems already: the driver's side window doesn't roll down, the driver's side back seat's door doesn't lock with the button thing so we have to do it manually, the brakes are kinda weird... not bad just weird, and it's a FORD. Ford Escort '97 actually. Same as Monie's car but hers is a '96. Oh yeah that's my

house in the background too. It's cute and messy and falling apart. But it's home... lol.

Ok. So today is my new Ides of May holiday. Today was awesome. For me at least. Hannah had a pretty rough day... which started when she lost her engagement ring :( But anyway, I went to seminary today. It was fun, but I have a habit of making my already fairly hyper friends even more hyper. I can't help it. I've been labeled as the energy fountain. If I am energetic then anyone who is around me suddenly

becomes more energetic. It's a blessing and a curse that's for sure. Luckily we have an amazing seminary teacher. Sister Carr is so awesome... and very patient. I will have to gloat a little. It's been four years since I took OT, and I actually beat most of the kids in the class. All but Sarah and Gardner. But seeing as they've been studying it the whole year, I think I did pretty good. lol

After that I went to Lee's Summit with Hannah. On the way there is when she discovered her missing engagement ring. So while we were just outside Knob Noster we had to turn around and start hunting in every place we could think of that she'd been that day. She took her car to Jiffy Lube, so we went there and even searched the vacuum bag. To no avail though... we never found her ring. We prayed a lot, so maybe it'll turn up eventually.

So after we got done at Lee's Summit we went to Peculiar (yes that's an actual town name... weird... or should I say peculiar lol). So anyway we went to Peculiar to visit the KELLEY'S! I haven't seen them since Justin's farewell dinner thing, so it's been about a year. They have a new house, and a new baby. Baby Isaac is sooooo cute! He likes to cuddle too. He's a really good baby. He had just woken up and he hardly cried at all. Then we were waiting around for the kids to come home just talking and what not. Jeff (Julie's husband) was our old seminary teacher, so he would make the cheesiest comments relating everything to the scriptures. It was fun. I miss them, so much. Julie is like my best friend, and I don't get to see her hardly at all. It's kind of weird though. I think she's like 37 now, and I'm only 19. lol. So the kids came home, and you know what? It took all of them like 10 seconds to register who I was. It was funny to see the light bulb go off though. Talmage was first. I think he's eight now. He walked over to the door and just stared at me. And then he slowly started to smile, turned to put his bookbag down and then bolted into the kitchen. He was in socks and the kitchen was hard-wood, so we know how that turned out. Seth is six. He took a long time, but he finally came over to give me a hug. He's a cutie... but man he is getting BIG! He even talks differently. About five minutes later Elise the 11 year old came home. Hannah and I hid behind the counter, and when Elise got in we jumped up. Again it took a few seconds to register and then she came over to give us each a big hug. It was great. I miss them already. We are having dinner with them the 30th and they might come visit me on the 23rd of June. I'm pretty excited.

Sorry so long, but I always write a lot. lol

She wouldn't hurt a fly... or a spider.

2008-05-11T00:16:00.004-05:00

Ok. So I'm minding my own business writing my girl's camp blog when along comes this little (or not so little) creature climbing around on my wall! I really don't appreciate spiders as much as God does, so I freaked a little. Of course it's my kind of silent freaking where I go into the kitchen to find something to put him in and my grandma thinks I'm hungry, and I tell her I'm not, I'm looking for a spider cage... but I digress. So I find a couple cups and stick him in so he can't get out. Of course then I decide that I want to take pictures of him. I get my camera and take a few pictures *cough twenty. lol. Let me explain. He was in a white cup first and you can't take pictures of something in a white cup because the flash makes it look like I'm in heaven or something. Big white light... not very fascinating... Plus my camera is dying. So I had to somehow get him in the green cup so I could use flash because without flash I could post a picture up here and say it's an octopus and you would have never known the difference. But again I digress. So I got him in the green cup took about four satisfactory pictures... but then what? Should he live or die? ... it's me so... he lived of course... maybe. I threw him outside. It was raining so he might not have made it, but oh well. I don't know if I can go to sleep now though because I'm afraid his little spider family and friends are going to kill me in my sleep. Oh well, if I die remember I love you all. And Kathryn... I'm saving you and Brad a seat... don't worry.

Sorry but I just felt like telling a long pointless story... just for kicks.

Daughter of a King

2008-05-10T23:06:00.008-05:00

So last year at girl's camp the theme was "Daughter of a King". I remember as a JC we had to put on a skit for the other girl's that had to do with this theme. I was so upset because I could only remember what we threw and not what we said. Well I was going through a drawer, and guess what I found! The skit! So now I'm going to post it here so I will never lose it again! :)

Once upon a bad hair day, a prince rode up Rapunzel's way.

From up above he heard her whine, upset her hair had lost it's shine.

Rapunzel to her maid did say, "I am a princess, born that way,

You are just a lowly maid, so hop to it girl, and fix my braid."

The prince thought her nagging was a plea and sallied forth to set her free.

Alas, she was too far away to quite make out what he would say:

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your hair!" She thought he said, "your underwear."

"No Rapunzel. Your curly locks." Rapunzel threw down dirty socks.

"Please, love, just your silky tresses!" She thought he said silky dresses.

In lace and frills up to his head, the prince's cheeks were blushing red.

"Rapunzel, do you have a rope?" Rapunzel dropped a cantaloupe

It burst in pieces on his head. "Oh bad catch!" Rapunzel said.

"Perhaps," he sighed, "this is a test." And bound by love he did not rest.

"OK, Rapunzel, how 'bout twine?" She heaved out her blue-ribbon swine.

By now the prince was feeling hammered, not to mention less enamored.

He growled up, "Do you have a ladder?" Rapunzel tossed out pancake batter.

It covered him from head to toe. She yelled, "It's better cooked you know."

At this the poor prince had to cry, then cupped his hands for one last try.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your braid!" Confused, Rapunzel pushed out her maid.

The maid fell squarely on the prince, quite pleased with the coincidence.

She nimbly jumped up off his lap and soon revived the flattened chap.

Turns out, the prince found something of worth; The maid was also royal by birth.

"Hello, my dear. Who might you be?" "The daughter of a king," said she.

Then smiling said, "For what it's worth, you'll find I'm really down to earth."

His young heart thrilled, he gave a hoot, for what was more, the maid was cute!

She set the prince upon his steed, then leapt behind with graceful speed.

Rapunzel watched them ride from sight. "I'm glad I finally heard him right!

I hope if they come back for more, they'll think to knock on my back door."

The horse rode off into the blue. The prince had discovered something true:

The most beautiful thing there will ever be, is a girl who knows her true identity.

The End.

Ok. To clear up some things... it wasn't a cantaloupe; it was a foam ball; it wasn't an actual pig; it was a tiny stuffed one; and as for the pancake batter... yeah that was real. Poor Bri. She knew it was coming and she signed up to be the prince anyway, so I figure just let her be covered in pancake batter. It was really fun. Hannah and I were the ones handing everything to Rapunzel. Yeah that was a good year :)

I WANT ONE!!!! :]

2008-05-07T02:13:00.009-05:00

It's a chinchilla! Most look like mice with furrier tails though. But mice are cute too!

Mort!

Gloria: Did that big mean lion scare you? Mort: Mmmmmhmmmmm!

ADORABLE!

This is Gizmo from Gremlins... I've talked about him, but I don't think I've shown pictures. Who wouldn't want a Gizmo!

Everyone wants a kitten... except maybe Tikla and people like Tikla.

I want a baby penguin that will never grow up!

BUNNIES! (Emphasis on the B lol)

Don't you feel all warm and fuzzy now? You know you do!

HAPPY!

2008-05-07T00:23:00.002-05:00

I couldn't just let that be my last post. Doesn't this just make you happy! My next post will be a kitten or something. I have a lot of happy posts to make up for the last one! :)

Another Cool Quote

2008-05-04T21:56:00.001-05:00

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

-qtd. Gordon B. Hinckley (originally said by Jenkin Lloyd Jones)

Cool Quote

2008-05-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

It's going to sound depressing like most of the things I've said or thought about, but it changed the way I look at things in a positive way, so I don't think it's depressing.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."

Just Pictures... No Words... Except Maybe in the Pictures

2008-05-03T19:39:00.003-05:00

Memories

2008-04-30T22:57:00.001-05:00

Ha Ha. I skipped Tuesday. You want to know why? Most of the day I didn't have internet. Yeah... that's sad. (Ok. Here's an example of my CDO (OCD alphabetized). I just had to go back into the post to capitalize the "m" in most... sad huh?) Ok. So I promised that the next time I posted it would include pictures. And sorry Kathryn you already saw these on Facebook. lol I'll post some different ones too.

My old roomies. I'm gonna miss them.

This was at Kathryn (aka Kate ha ha Tikla) and Dani's birthday. Dani posed for this picture for like five minutes before she realized Tikla was recording. So then they just decided to take the picture.

Us at the dinner. I think this was the dessert part.

Me and Kathryn after we ran through the sprinklers.

Tikla, me and Kathryn after we ran through the sprinklers. We had to practically drag Tikla. Sheesh. My glasses look funny.

I lied about some of these being on Facebook. I decided to put up different pictures. I'm going to stop messing with things before I underline everything and make it blue. lol. I had a lot of fun with these girls. It makes me sad that's it's over and when I go back in a month it won't be there anymore. But at least I have the chance to meet new roommates. And who knows maybe we'll have just as much or more. Anyhow, I'm getting anxious to get back. I want to start being productive again. I miss having things to do. Ha ha. Guess what! Today Hannah, Monie, and I went to Walmart... twice... for FUN! Ha ha. Told you... I wasn't kidding. Anyhow, to whoever reads this... I hope you are having an awesome summer, and maybe I'll see you soon, or maybe I'll see you in fall. Either way it'll probably be a blast.

I freaking hate (not freaking a) coming up with titles!

2008-04-26T16:50:00.000-05:00

I'm posting like a maniac. I hardly ever got on my blog when I was at BYU. Anyway, I never realized how nice it is to be logged in to everything all the time. I get on Facebook, gmail, blogger, and other such places and I'm already signed in! It's an amazing feeling, but I'm sad that I'm not sharing my computer with the most amazing person alive anymore... take it!

So this morning was the YW garage sale, and it was sooooo fun. (Yeah I still intend to go to YW activities and no one can stop me.) I also found out that I can go to camp. It's the week after Hannah's wedding so I can go as a leader if they still want me. Then pretty much right after I will probably be heading back to BYU.

But anyways, ADD much. So the YW had a garage sale and I got to see Sarah, Rachel, Beth, Hannah, Heather, and meet a couple new YW. It was such a blast. Apparently Sarah wants to come to BYU and major in psychology and so we had a lot to talk about. She is so awesome. She, Hannah, and I got into a conversation about Austism, Skizophenia, and other mental illnesses. It was pretty entertaining. I can't wait for a couple years when Sarah's at BYU. She wants me to go to Orchestra on Tuesday, so I might do that. Apparently they are having a hard time with the viola section ever since Nick and I left... ha ha. Rachel is doing great... I missed my little sister. I forgot how much fun it was being with the younger girls. We tried on all the things that didn't get sold. I have some pictures, but I have yet to figure out how to get pictures off of my phone. I got a lot of free things... Tikla would've been proud. lol. Sadly I even looked at a dress that didn't get sold and thought, "This would make great fabric." Don't worry I stopped myself.

It was a lot of fun, and now I have to leave in an hour to go see West Side Story with some of the youth. That'll probably be fun too. Oh, and PS I can't wait for all the older girls to get over the drama. It's nice to have fun for the little time I might actually be here.

PPS I'll try to post some pictures so you don't have to read so much.

Weird

2008-04-25T23:49:00.000-05:00

So today was much better, and I assume that I was just tired. I hung out with Hannah and we even went to see Monie. I applied for a couple jobs today. Boring! I have been enjoying Youtube though. I'm pretty excited that that isn't blocked anymore. AND... FACEBOOK HAS CHAT! Sorry, I'm probably a little too excited about that. Anyways, I've been impatiently waiting for Katryn (yes I spelled it like that on purpose) to get on. I swear... when I was there she was like obsessed with Facebook, and now that she has no classes or finals, she's never on. lol That's ok though. I've been on for three hours talking to Hannah. Sad eh?

Oh, so here's the weird part. I think I'm heading back to BYU at the end of June. I wanted to take Anthro Independent Study, but I just found out that it would cost just as much to take it over summer term. Plus Utah jobs pay more so I could take that class in the morning, and then work the rest of the time. I'm pretty excited. Plus, I love being at home, but I really love being at BYU. I miss Sedalia and everything that comes with it, but I think I'm moving on with my life. Sedalia will always be the place I want to visit, and maybe sometime in my life I would move back, but right now I think I'm enjoying adulthood. Just this morning I went through the "Do you have your phone?" "What about your license?" "You can't leave until you get it." "Now when you drive the car don't put the peddle to the floor. Let it slowly work it's way to going faster." ANNOYING! I miss doing and being what ever I freaking want. Grrrr. Anyways, point being... I really like my independence. Not that being an only child isn't great I'm just SICK of all the attention. I feel so bad for Tikla because I realize that that is kind of what I did to her. My apologies dear friend. You totally should have said something! lol. Anyway, I'm kind of tired of the "Are you hungry? Are you ok? You're always in your room. Are you mad?" No I'm just tired of answering questions.

Oh, dear. I think I'm done venting now. Don't get me wrong... I love my family. They just smother me is all. Anyways, toodles! (I had to... just once for old time's sake lol).

The Beginning of my Awesome Summer

2008-04-24T21:30:00.000-05:00

Ok. So I guess I’m not really blogging right now seeing as it’s kind of difficult to get on the internet when you are about 30,000 feet above sea level. Copy/paste works too. Today has been a VERY long day. So I failed nearly everything I was supposed to do for cleaning checks (on top of having to leave my awesome roomies). Then I finally get to the airport and both of my bags were about 15 pounds overweight. I kind of assumed they would be since Tikla had to sit on them to help me shut them lol. Then I had a little trouble getting through security because I forgot to take something out of my carry-on and so we had to go through that all over again. Then I almost missed my plane. And by almost I mean everyone was on board, the doors were locked, they gave my seat to someone else, and they actually used the words “It’s too late.” Yeah, scary. They kicked the guy out of my seat which unfortunately was the middle seat in the very last row. I mean dead last. Do you know what that means. Picture this… I have my HUGE backpack, an extra bag, and my viola… really tiny aisles and everyone is already seated. Plus there’s this tour group for old people, so like over half the plane consisted of old people. So yeah, I smacked at LEAST 12 people with something I was carrying. UGH. So now I’m pretty excited to be switching flights in Denver so I can get away from the fire from their eyes, but guess what! All of the old people are apparently going to Kansas City! How exciting. So now I don’t get to escape the death glares. Luckily I must not have smacked the people I’m sitting next to in the face because they are very nice, and I haven’t had a single glare. We are beginning our descent into Kansas City, so I will continue the beginning of my awesome summer later… stay tuned to see how many lightning bolts I get struck by today…puh.

Add a few hours to that post. I'm home now. Kinda. I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm starting to get a new home. I never thought it possible but I think BYU is becoming more of a home to me. Maybe I'm just tired, but I really miss being with Tikla and Kathryn and it hasn't even been a day yet. I went to Heather's house after I got home (right after I got home which probably didn't help) and I never realized how fake I am with my own friends. I am really tired because I only got like 3 hours of sleep (if that) and Heather wanted me to come over. If I had been with my friends from BYU then I could have just said I'm really tired maybe tomorrow, but I couldn't. Anyway, I can't wait for June!!! I get to visit Utah again. I'm totally exhausted so I'm going to bed. Good night.

The End...

2008-04-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

Wow. April 2nd was the last time I posted and it seems like it should still be February. This is hard. A lot harder than I anticipated it would. All year long I have been complaining about wanting to go home, and now I am. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I'm completely excited to be with my friends again. I want to see Frau and Smith-Cotton. The other night I fell asleep in the shower and I dreamed that I was at Bothwell Lodge. Sad eh?

Leaving has become a lot harder than I thought it would be though. I wish that I could go home and then when I came back everything would be the same. Everyone here has someone to be with next semester. Everyone else made friends. I know that I will still be friends with Tikla and Kathryn, but I also know that it won't be anything like it was this year. They are probably going to be best friends with their new roommates. They actually know their new roommates. I don't even know if I have roommates. Ugh. Everyone has someone now that I think of it. Tikla has Jessica, Kathryn has Breeanne (spelling?, uh... who cares), Christine has Dani, and Kate has Camille. I guess I'm still having some difficulty seeing this as "I just didn't want to live with you." instead of "I just don't want you in my life." Because to me it seems like no one cares as much as I do that this is our last week as roommates in 142 M. Smith Hall. We don't even have a picture of all of us, so as of next Thursday it will be as if nothing happened.

Ending things is hard. I wish I had prepared myself a little better than I have. I have been ignoring this for a while, and now I think I'm having a break down. If not now then soon. I've got pretty much everything I own in boxes right now. Boxes that scream "You are never coming back, and nothing will ever be the same." Everyone is so excited for summer, and I guess I am too, I just know that someday I will have to come back and end up being really lonely.

Ok. I think I'm done being emo about this. The next time I post I will probably be back at home. Bored to death. Wow, I'm zoning out a lot right now. It looks like it's going to storm a lot. I hope it's huge. I need something to zone out to. When I go home we'll be in tornado season, so I hope I don't miss all the excitement. I already missed a 5.0 earthquake. Ok, so that wasn't really in Sedalia, but it was about 3 hours away. I shouldn't be this into natural disasters.

I should probably do something productive now. I have plenty of things to do

Year one at BYU...the end.

French Choir Concert

2008-04-12T17:13:00.002-05:00

Kathryn talked me into being in the French Choir. This was the hardest
song we had to sing (J'entends le Moulin), so that's why there are
moments where it's sounds a little... problematic. I was pretty happy
though. It was fun over all.

Who I Have Become

2008-04-02T21:20:00.000-05:00

Ok so I was thinking about myself recently (conceited right?), but no, I was thinking about all the things that have changed about me since I came to BYU. Sadly, I have been noticing all of the bad things and I forgot that maybe some good things changed too. I found this personality test that I had taken last summer that I thought really did nail me, so I decided to take it again to see what changed.

This is who I was:
You are a Leader

Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.

You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.

Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture.

You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.

Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.

Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.

The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.

Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.

You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.

Never one to be found in chic boutiques or trendy clothing stores, you take an extremely practical approach to getting dressed.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

You are Generous:

Your awareness of those around you, along with your nuanced perceptions of the world at large, makes you the GENEROUS person that you are.

You value time to yourself and understand how rich your private world can be—you know that you don't have to go wild to have a good time.

You are excited and energized by ideas and often enjoy things more through observation than through experience.

This tendency gives you an appreciation for different perspectives and opinions about the world.

Being as aware of others as you are doesn't mean you find it easy to trust them immediately—this is something that happens more slowly for you.

Despite this, you are aware of the complexities of many situations and are reluctant to pass judgments on others.

Although you have fewer friendships than some people, those that you have are meaningful and are important to you.

You value spending time alone—it is while reflecting on the world around you that you often learn something new about yourself or begin to understand something that's been bothering you.

This is who I am now:
You are an Inventor

Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.

You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.

The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.

Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.

Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.

Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.

It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.

Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.

You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

This test also gives me numbers for the different areas of my personality. I noticed what I always knew, my confidence went from Very High to Average and Slightly Low. But I've gained so much. While I still think practically I also daydream and let myself be creative, and look at the beauty of something instead of just it's purpose. Also, my most important, I went from having Very Low Trust to Very High Trust. That's a huge leap for me. I don't usually trust people's motives or what they say, but this year I have learned that there are wonderful people in my life now, that I can trust that they love me, and that they don't need a reason. I'm sorry it took eight months for me to figure it out, especially since I hurt them a lot. I hope that someday I will be able to make it up to them. Only time will tell.