Somewhere

Somewhere inside my head there's a place.

A place that no one else can go.

A place that I can call my own.

A place that only I can define

Whatever's in my mind.

Where I can define my own space.

Somewhere inside my head there's a girl.

A girl that can write with ease.

A girl that can fly and run and breathe

A girl who knows wrong from right.

A girl who only lives in the light.

A girl who lives without the world.

Somewhere inside my head there's a road.

A road that continues to grow.

A road that only Heavenly Father knows.

A road that's made with different terrain.

A road that teaches me joy and pain.

A road that helps me learn what I've already been told.

Somewhere inside my head there's a plan.

A plan that helps me set my goals.

A plan that slowly I'm getting to know.

A plan that helps me learn to find truth.

A plan that guides me through.

A plan that shows me that I can.

Somewhere out there my Father sees

All these things inside my head.

All these words that went unsaid.

All these goals I didn't quite meet.

All these decisions I couldn't quite reach.

All the things I couldn't quite be.

All the good that I have done.

All the successes I've earned in school.

All the times I followed every rule.

All the love that I have given.

All the times that I've been driven.

He'll watch me walk my way through life.

Until one day, after much happiness and strife,

I can stop walking, and finally run.

:D

So I think I'm semi-done being a brat about relationships. I know I've been kind of annoying; it just got really overwhelming to have that be EVERYWHERE. No really... haha.

So anyway, I'm going to go camping this weekend! I'm soooooo excited. I'm going to arches with Julie and Angel, and we'll be there until Sunday morning. I haven't been there, so it'll be fun. I'll need to get batteries for my camera. hee hee. They said that the hikes there are awesome. And apparently I haven't lived until I've seen the Delicate Arch. haha. So anyway... that'll be cool. 

Justin comes home next Wednesday. It's weird to think that the next email I send him is the last one I will send him while he's on his mission. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it, or if I'm dreading it. It feels like I'm dreading it.  :/

So I'm actually doing really well in school so far this semester. Except maybe Women's Studies. But I have an A or A- in almost every class. I'm starting to slack off because it's getting nicer outside... it's so beautiful. It was cool at 2 in the morning. I can vouch for it... I was doing laundry. haha. Today was amazing... and I'm scatter brained. Which is obvious to me because I'm writing this while I'm sitting in my Personality class. 

Oooooh. So a funny thing happened to me at work yesterday. They appparently have a Dialectics class here at BYU. This week was Irish. haha. Anyway... they had this list of things they had to do and they came to the candy counter. Sidney and I had to do the YMCA twice on video, and Katy got embarrassed when someone asked her if she'd date his friend. haha.

So... that's life in a nutshell.

True Happiness

Happiness is knowing that God agrees with you.

Happiness is more sought after than anything else, yet very few really know anything about it.

Happiness is being able to love those that hate you as well as those that love you.

Happiness is knowing that whatever happens, it will be for the best.

Happiness is having control over your own life. 

Happiness is knowing that you can handle anything thrown at you.

Happiness is self-made.

Happiness does not come from or because of anyone else.

True happiness is knowing who you are and living up to your potential.

I am.

The two most powerful words.

How do we define ourselves? How should we? We tend to define ourselves by the things that make us different. 

I am... a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That used to be my definition. But should it have been? Was I letting myself down because I was limiting my own potential?

I have several friends that define themselves this way.

I am... homosexual. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I do not define myself as heterosexual. But what if I did? How would my life... my outlook change if I defined myself by my sexual orientation?

Then I look around... that is how we define ourselves.

I am... a mother.

I am... a wife.

I am... a fiance.

I am... in a relationship.

I am... single.

We are sexual creatures. Whether we'd like to admit it or not. But are we limiting ourselves? Are we limiting our aspirations because our only true goal in life is to find a companion, so that we can be happy? Can we be happy alone?

What if all of a sudden we stopped letting society tell us what does and doesn't make us happy? Because that is why we think this way. Because media and government and our culture and our families even our religion... they all seem to say one thing. You need a companion and if you don't have one there is something wrong with you. I can not tell you how mystified people get when I tell them that I could be perfectly happy not getting married. It doesn't scare me a bit to graduate single. How sad is that?

We were first created as spiritual beings. Only by coming to earth did we even have a chance at being sexual ones. But should that be all we are?

What about my homosexual friends? By letting this define them they've closed themselves off to being anything else. One of my good friends just recently embraced it and now we really aren't friends anymore... and not by my choice. 

What is true happiness? What kind of happiness lasts forever?

Because contrary to Bohemian belief... we need more than love. 

I am... me.

I am... of infinite potential BECAUSE

I am... a child of God. 

Other People are Messing with my Mind

It's like being ripped into a million pieces, so that you can be made whole again.

It's like having scabs pulled off to heal your scars.

It's like having someone break your heart to heal it.

It's like sinning to be able to repent.

It's like holding your breathe, so you can remember how to breathe.

It doesn't seem like it will ever work. It doesn't seem like it could work. It feels like it's wrong, but at the same time you know it isn't. It makes no sense while making all the sense in the world. It's like emptying something to fill it, fill it with something better, something more important. It's like trying to break me, so that I can be put back together again, but better. It's like a puzzle that was put together by a four-year-old probably has a lot of pieces that are just shoved together, and someone who knows how puzzles work along with someone who knows what the picture looks like come and take the puzzle apart so that it can be put together properly. 

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm being ripped apart. I'm more confused than I ever have been. I'm scared of people for the first time ever. I'm questioning everything about myself, and honestly, I know that whether or not something changes, I needed to. I don't like this feeling, but when you put a cast on a broken arm sometimes it itches. That's uncomfortable for the moment, but afterward your arm is fixed. 

And now I just hope that I am trusting the right person. 

Update

So I'm super tired and I've got another half hour before my next class starts, so why not kill some time right? Anyhow... I guess I really don't have any updates. Nothing too exciting is happening to me. So one thing that is freaking me out right now is the fact that Justin gets home in a month from today. Actually I guess it's more like 28 days because February only has 28 days in it. Yup... that's pretty much the weirdest thing. I feel like he just left and that he's always been gone at the same time. I wonder what he's going to act like. Considering that my best friends are already a little worried about him, I guess I should go really slow... and not let any of them know what I'm thinking. haha.

I got a 100% on my stats quiz... without studying might I add. haha. I'm not bragging at all. haha. I also found out that I have an A- in Women's Studies so far which is pretty good, since I don't do a lot for that class.

I have a visiting teaching dinner tonight, and I'm already exhausted. That and my companion is making me do all the dishes. So that's pretty much going to suck. But I'll just protest and not do them tomorrow like I'm supposed to. I'm too tired to mess with people.

So I kind of hit a mean streak this past week. I've been getting "self-esteem" therapy/coaching from my friend Erich (who I met a month ago... yeah I think that's weird too). Well I keep hitting these I'm-worth-more-than-how-you-are-treating-me kicks (hence the last post) and one of them ended up being really mean. I told this one guy that he only cares about himself and that he was basically an idiot for being the polar opposite of straight forward. I still hold that he deserved it, but inside I know I could've been nicer. Consciences suck don't they?

Work has been getting a little frustrating for me, but things have died down now. Now that I don't have a the stocking assignment from Hades. It's still frustrating though because at the Candy Counter you actually have to deal with customers, and it's annoying when you are actually trying to get things done and your coworkers are just standing around talking, and you have to go help the customers. That and customers (and I fully admit that I'm like this too) are so wrapped up in themselves. This morning I was trying to change bins and make cookies and customers who just wanted to be checked out would come to me. I wanted to be like, "Isn't it kind of obvious that I'm trying to do a million things at once and that there are four registers with cashiers sitting on their hind ends doing nothing that you could've gone to?" But I don't. I don't mind when they need to get candy because that's something I have to do that no one else can. But why are they bringing books to me? The other registers do not have lines at 8 in the morning. They could pick the one by the exit they so choose, but no... they decide that because I'm closer it doesn't matter that I'm doing a million things at once. Ugh... I guess I've really needed to vent about work. Hmmm... good to know.

So I apparently am half of the compassionate service committee. It's Angel (my roommate) who is over Bryan (the chair) who is over me and this girl named Rachael (that I've never met) and we are the compassionate service committee. I think that's kind of funny. Apparently the bishop forgot about the compassionate service committee and so it only has two members. haha

What can I talk about for twenty minutes. Well I guess it's more like ten because I should be on time for class. I have stats tonight. Dr. Flom is actually a really great teacher. He will stick with you and do problem after problem until he thinks you understand. I like that because I'm so used to teachers who either don't care or won't really try to help if you don't get it. They'll just do an extra example and then move on. Stats is actually more interesting than I thought it was going to be. Right now we are doing probability and I feel like I'm in fifth grade. That's good I guess though right. It's only when we have to do probability with z scores that I'm going to get stumped. haha

Well I guess that's it for now... I told you my life is boring.

Why do you Wonder?

You know it's been a long time since I've overcome a lot of my family problems. My mom never understood why I thought I didn't have friends. Sure people talked to me, but I never felt close to them. Now I used to feel the same way here at BYU and my roommates didn't understand. They didn't understand why I couldn't just trust them when they said we were friends. Putting aside everything that happened that year... here's why we aren't friends.

I wish I could accurately describe the Candy Counter, so that this would make sense. So the candy counter is in the dead center of the main floor of the bookstore. Usually people cut around it because they are only cutting through the bookstore because it's faster than going around. The candy counter is also between the up stairs and the down stairs, so it's like there's an invisible rectangle around it. So here's why I'm peeved. Because yes... I saw you... and watched you... and this time, it's called being observant, not over-analyzing. So picture a rectangle that has a line starting from the middle of the long side and going to the corner. Where that line begins is the candy counter. Where the line ends is the exit. So I saw you... only you  walk next to the candy counter. I was talking to my boss for a second because I thought you were leaving so you'd cut behind me and take the diagonal line to the exit. Plus there weren't any people back there, so it wasn't congested. I turned back around and you were gone, so I was trying to figure out how I missed you. It made me a little sad because I wanted to say hi, even though I did have to leave in like thirty seconds to go clock in. Then I saw you again. You were walking down the side of the rectangle, instead of cutting across the fast way. I thought maybe you were going out the other exit cause it would have been faster or that you needed something from general book. Then I saw you turn for the TZ exit.  So I thought maybe there was a line at South and you were going around because the end would have been somewhere over there. But then... after all this time, I saw who was standing in front of you. I saw that you were following. Even then I had hope that you wouldn't be like that. But you walked right passed south and out the TZ. 

Now I know that story is too long for what it's worth, but if you knew these girls from Freshman year, you'd know why it had to be so detailed. You see... they NEVER trusted me when it came to this subject. I never had proof. Only my roommate trusted me and not even until the end of the year. I wanted you to know EXACTLY what I was thinking. So you would know that I actually thought the best until proven otherwise. I have changed. YOU have not.

I know that you have no spine, but how is it exactly that you can do crap like that and still be like, "No it's because she thinks you hate her."?

Rest assured, if the situation were flipped I would have walked passed her; I would've said hi; if you wanted to talk for a second, we would've talked awhile. You should know better than to think I hate her. So how is it that you don't know better when I say she hates me? I don't know why she still hates me. Or even why she hates me. Because honestly I did nothing to her last year... but she did do something to me. And yet she hates, and I don't. And you are blind.

So yet again, be rest assured, you've chosen alliances. We are not enemies, but we are NOT friends. Because guess what? I will learn to have confidence and know I AM worth something. I have good friends now who see worth in me. You didn't know this, but the night before that my friends figured out my self image, and one of the them spent hours telling me that I'm worth something. It was hard having this happen the next day... but you know what, I AM worth it. Even if you are too blind to see it.

And I don't deserve to have friends like you.

Happiness: Ideal or Illusion?

Is happiness the ideal? Is happiness the thing we are striving for? Is the point in life to be happy?

The first thing I thought of was the scripture, "Men are that they might have joy." Does it say "men are that they might always have joy"? I'm not saying it's unrighteous to be happy. I'm saying it's not unrighteous to not be happy.

We live in Happy Valley. To most people from Happy Valley it's a compliment. To any mormon outside the bubble it's a punchline. Do you know why? Because it's fake. Who really wants to pretend to be happy? Wouldn't we all rather just be happy?

The state of Utah is ranked 1st out of 51 states for depression. And 6th for suicide. Does this sound like happiness?

In my women's studies class we were talking about how media influences the way we think and how it has power to determine the "norm". I know this sounds terrible, but I think mormon media comes from church leaders. I don't think they themselves are trying to make themselves seem like they are the norm, but they are the face of the church, and so LDS women think that is what it means to be an LDS woman, and anything else is wrong.

Elder Wirthlin said in General Conference, "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't--at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretend happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life."

Nephi lamented at the death of his father. He was terrified of the mantel that had fallen on his shoulders. Was he being unrighteous?

Alma cried for his people when they wouldn't repent. Remember the "Oh that I were an angel, that I could cry repentance unto this people." Was this unrighteous?

Christ turned tables in the temple because he was angry that they were desecrating His Father's house. Was this unrighteous?

Like I said, it's not unrighteous to be happy. But this idea that we, especially as women, cannot be anything but happy is a cultural norm, not doctrine. And the more of us that fall into the trap the further we are from overcoming it. And the more we idealize people or worship people who are like this, the more prevalent it will become. Let's strive to be more like Christ and be good members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instead of trying to just be good mormons.