The Insanity Never Stops!

They made another one!!! Mwah hahahahahahaha! Not sure why that calls for maniacal laughter... but it does.

Memories from my Freshman Year at BYU

The Ocean in Me

This one is my favorite...

I know when a storm is coming on, and I can tell

When tears are gonna fall

And I know what it's like when disappointments seem

To make you feel so small

I've become the extra when I wished to be the lead

And I have been the friend when I wished to be the girl

And sometimes all the faith in the world

Can still never change what isn't meant to be

But if I feel like just a teardrop in the rain

When I meant to be a river

God sees the ocean in me

And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain,

When I ask to be delivered

He shows the ocean to me.

He sees all the things that I can't see,

And He dries every tear that falls down

And sooner or later

He opens my eyes

And finally I turn around

And find that as a servant I had really been a queen

And I had been a diamond when I thought that I was glass

And I know every heartbreak will pass

Just when it seems the hardest to believe

Cause if I feel like just a teardrop in the rain

When I meant to be a river

God sees the ocean in me

And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain, 

When I ask to be delivered He shows the ocean to me.

He sees the ocean in me.

And I'm an ocean drawn to the light

Reaching for the sky

Pulled by gravity

And after every storm, I take another shape

Landing on a shore far beyond my dreams.

And if I feel like just a teardrop in the rain

When I meant to be a river

God see the ocean in me.

And in the depths of all my sorrow and my pain,

When I ask to be delivered

He shows the ocean to me.

He sees the ocean in me.

He sees the ocean in me.

-Cherie Call

Somebody Else's Shoes

Cinderella was a young girl.

She did her best to please the people 

who would never let her dreams come true

She wore the rages that they passed down

Until the day she found a perfect pair of shoes

She could tell by the size they were only meant for her

And when she put them on, 

from that moment she was sure when she said

"I've been walking too long in somebody else's shoes

I've been tripping on the laces, running into empty spaces

And I've been hanging around with people who make me blue

But I'm not walking anymore in those shoes"

Back here in real life,

I read that story and I wonder if I'm just the same as she

I'm wrapped in worldly visions, and my split decisions

take me places

That I never meant to be

And now the great and spacious building has me

scrubbing down the floors

And I've got to find a way to tell them

I can't work there anymore cause

I've been walking too long in somebody else's shoes

I've been tripping on the laces, running into empty spaces

And I've been hanging around in places that hide the truth

But I'm not walking anymore

In those shoes

Give me shoes that are comfortable on the straight and narrow way

With a soul that God can see straight through

Because my toes are curling under in the ones that 

I've been wearing

I need a pair that makes me feel brand new

I've been walking too long in somebody else's shoes

I've been tripping on the laces, running into empty spaces

And I've been  hanging around in places that hide the truth

But I'm not walking anymore

In those shoes.

I'm not walking anymore in those shoes.

-Cherie Call

Believe

I've been there and I've seen with those eyes

green with envy, dark with anger,

Or just plain blue.

And I know the last thing you really want to hear

Is just what I'm about to tell you,

But you have to hear the truth.

I know it's stylish to be cynical these days

So there's only one thing left to do:

Believe

Sometimes traffic lights are green,

Sometimes people keep their word,

In spite of everything you've heard,

It's true that,

Sometimes nice guys finish first,

Sometimes true love really lasts,

Sometimes all the world can change

If only you believe.

Still you say the phone rings every time you want to take a bath

Or take a nap, or you just need peace

But tell me this, did you really want to be

So all alone as you are now?

Don't you need a friend who knows

It's in the way you see the glass

Once you know that it's half full, it overflows

Every time that you

Believe

Sometimes Christmas's are white,

Sometimes wedding days are clear,

Sometimes rain falls right on time

To wash away your tears.

Sometimes cornfields touch the sky,

Sometimes sunsets make you cry,

Sometimes you see what Jesus sees

When you look in the mirror

And love isn't something that is just for everyone else

It's for you

Believe what I say is true

In spite of all the ways you feel right now

You've got to find some way some how to

Believe

Sometimes the good live long,

Sometimes kindness reaches far,

Sometimes you hear your favorite song

Right when you get in the car.

You don't have to move the sky,

But you can chase the clouds away

You don't have to change the world.

You might do it anyway.

Believe

Sometimes nice guys finish first

You don't have to change the world.

You might do it anyway.

-Cherie Call

The Only One Who Knows Me

Anyhow... I've been thinking about some things a lot lately. Oh and Kathryn you might want to stop reading now this might get a little mushy. lol

I'm getting a little impatient. March 25, 2009. 256 days away. That seems like a lot but he's been gone for a year and 5 months now, so yeah I'm getting a little impatient. What's worse is he may get home on March 25, 2009, but I'll be here in Utah, and he's going home to Missouri. And what if I go to Seattle for the summer? And what if he doesn't go to LDSBC? I have no clue when I'll actually get to see him. And honestly I really miss him. So far he's the only person I've been able to count on. We've had our ups and downs true, and there have been times when he's treated me really badly. I mean the year before his mission we didn't really talk to each other at all. Up until about a month before his mission that is. But for some strange reason no matter what was going on with us I knew I could go to him and he would drop almost anything to come help me. Weird huh?

I think it also helps that he knows me better than anyone on the planet. Including my own family. He notices everything. He can order for me at almost any restaurant. He knows how I eat square and round sandwiches and hot pizza. He knows my favorite color and movie. He even knows what my insecurities are. He's used that one against me. If he would have been around last year he would have seen my situation and without me having to say anything he would have just known how I was feeling. I was listening to this song called "Soulmate" and it says that we are all looking for someone who knows how to love us. Justin does. Freakishly well. I think it helped that he got to witness others mistakes as well. He was there for me for my whole relationship with Samuel, and he, unlike Samuel, go to hear my thoughts and feelings. He knows what bothers me now. He did before too. He knew exactly how to push my buttons when he wanted to. See most the people in my life now accidently hurt my feelings or annoy me. Half the time they don't realize it. He knows and does it on purpose, the little punk. 

But after all that, I still really miss him. I miss not having to explain myself. Or try to figure myself out because he always understood. It's good that I understand why I feel weird things at random times, but I miss having someone I can go up to with a smile on my face and he asks me what's wrong. No one knows me that well. I'm getting really impatient.

Love Like This

This reminds me of someone... hmmm :P

Institute

Let me just start by saying I love institute. It is so amazing. My favorite quote so far is "Don't judge other people for choosing to commit different sins than you." So true. lol. We also had this one conversation about how everything always needs to be perfect. He asked how many of us had tried to be perfect and almost everyone raised their hand. Then he said, "Well I can see that didn't work." He is an amazing teacher. Those were just some funny things. Oh on the same lines as the perfection thing... we were talking about people who act like they are happy all the time. His statement was funny. He said, "Those people who seem to be happy all the time, there's something wrong with them... no seriously there's something wrong." He said there's nothing wrong with being happy, but be genuinely happy. We all have bad moments, so let them out and move on. Then one girl responded with, "Let your defenses down, and let someone love you." I can obviously take that to an extreme, but I'm working on it. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy though. 

But anyway, we had our lesson on Elder Scott's talking about healing after abuse. At the beginning I didn't think it applied to me, but towards the end it was all I could do to not start crying. I discovered a few things about myself last Tuesday. I haven't forgiven my father for not loving me; I haven't learned to love myself and therefore have difficulty loving anyone else; and most importantly I haven't learned to love my Heavenly Father, but I want to desperately. The whole talk was about how to seek healing. Up until that night, I didn't think I was in need of any. I now know that I am, and that I need to talk to my Father. My real Father.

On Sunday, my second counselor challenged me to have "my knees be the first thing that hits the floor when I wake up". He told me to tell God about what I know I'm going to do today, and to help me through that, and to help me through what I don't know is going to happen. I half heartedly accepted. I really wanted to, but I knew by the next morning I would forget. 

And that's exactly what happened. Funny thing though. I went visiting teaching that night (last day, I know, but I just got my assignment so I'm using that as an excuse). So our first sister wanted me to say the closing prayer. I was like "Sure!" And in my head I was like "Oh no." I'm very uncomfortable with praying and public speaking. Don't ask me why. Then we go to our second sister... who also wanted me to say the closing prayer. Then I went to FHE (literally I was actually late for FHE because of visiting teaching)... and they wanted me to say the closing prayer. I finally gave up and said, "Ok Heavenly Father... I get it." 

Sad to say, the next morning I forgot as well. And this morning I forgot, but I was about to go take my shower and I remembered. So I went back in my room, and asked Heavenly Father to help me at work, and to help me know what portals I should open and which ones I should walk away from.

Here's the weird thing. I saw Dr. Day at work today. Dr. Day was my Intro to Family Processes teacher. Even weirder was... he remembered me. He had two classes with about 200 people in each class. He didn't remember my name, but he said, "You were in my 160 class... afternoon right?" I was a little shocked. But I was glad that I saw him because I've always wanted to thank him. See, his class was the one that helped me finally decide on a major. Especially the part about specializing in children. So I told him my story and thanked him. Then he invited me to do this research opportunity. He talked about it last fall, but I thought I was too young. He told me to email him and we could see about getting me into the 403R class that trains people to do research, and then next summer I would be working in Seattle conducting research. Crazy huh? I think I learned a valuable lesson from this. My Father is waiting patiently to bless me... I just need to ask. I've been receiving his help on important decisions without asking, but there has been so much more he has had to offer. Right now everything has just been working out. But with His plan... things could be amazing. I will try really hard to keep up with the second counselor's challenge. I need it for other reasons too. 

Brother Preble is the counselor who gave me that challenge and he told me two really cool things. 

1. If I knew who I was in the pre-existence then I would never doubt myself here on earth. 

2. This was more of a story. He asked me if I was born in the church. Then he said. 20 years ago 1 in 1000 people were LDS. He said to picture a beautiful room where I was looking out into eternity... waiting to go to earth. In this room with me were 999 other people. All of them were talking about what was going to happen. What is was going to be like to have a body. Then there is a hush. And Christ walks into the room. He looks at every single person. A look that says, "No matter what happens, everything will be ok." Then he comes over to me and says, "You're the one. You are the one who will be born a member of My church." 

I got shivers from that one. I am very lucky to have been born a member, and to have known my whole life the truth about life. That's an amazing blessing. And to whom much is given much is required. 

My blogs have been getting really religious lately... what can I say? But that doesn't bother me. I'm writing about the things that are leaving an impression on me. And if they all happen to be religious then so be it.