Institute

Let me just start by saying I love institute. It is so amazing. My favorite quote so far is "Don't judge other people for choosing to commit different sins than you." So true. lol. We also had this one conversation about how everything always needs to be perfect. He asked how many of us had tried to be perfect and almost everyone raised their hand. Then he said, "Well I can see that didn't work." He is an amazing teacher. Those were just some funny things. Oh on the same lines as the perfection thing... we were talking about people who act like they are happy all the time. His statement was funny. He said, "Those people who seem to be happy all the time, there's something wrong with them... no seriously there's something wrong." He said there's nothing wrong with being happy, but be genuinely happy. We all have bad moments, so let them out and move on. Then one girl responded with, "Let your defenses down, and let someone love you." I can obviously take that to an extreme, but I'm working on it. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy though. 

But anyway, we had our lesson on Elder Scott's talking about healing after abuse. At the beginning I didn't think it applied to me, but towards the end it was all I could do to not start crying. I discovered a few things about myself last Tuesday. I haven't forgiven my father for not loving me; I haven't learned to love myself and therefore have difficulty loving anyone else; and most importantly I haven't learned to love my Heavenly Father, but I want to desperately. The whole talk was about how to seek healing. Up until that night, I didn't think I was in need of any. I now know that I am, and that I need to talk to my Father. My real Father.

On Sunday, my second counselor challenged me to have "my knees be the first thing that hits the floor when I wake up". He told me to tell God about what I know I'm going to do today, and to help me through that, and to help me through what I don't know is going to happen. I half heartedly accepted. I really wanted to, but I knew by the next morning I would forget. 

And that's exactly what happened. Funny thing though. I went visiting teaching that night (last day, I know, but I just got my assignment so I'm using that as an excuse). So our first sister wanted me to say the closing prayer. I was like "Sure!" And in my head I was like "Oh no." I'm very uncomfortable with praying and public speaking. Don't ask me why. Then we go to our second sister... who also wanted me to say the closing prayer. Then I went to FHE (literally I was actually late for FHE because of visiting teaching)... and they wanted me to say the closing prayer. I finally gave up and said, "Ok Heavenly Father... I get it." 

Sad to say, the next morning I forgot as well. And this morning I forgot, but I was about to go take my shower and I remembered. So I went back in my room, and asked Heavenly Father to help me at work, and to help me know what portals I should open and which ones I should walk away from.

Here's the weird thing. I saw Dr. Day at work today. Dr. Day was my Intro to Family Processes teacher. Even weirder was... he remembered me. He had two classes with about 200 people in each class. He didn't remember my name, but he said, "You were in my 160 class... afternoon right?" I was a little shocked. But I was glad that I saw him because I've always wanted to thank him. See, his class was the one that helped me finally decide on a major. Especially the part about specializing in children. So I told him my story and thanked him. Then he invited me to do this research opportunity. He talked about it last fall, but I thought I was too young. He told me to email him and we could see about getting me into the 403R class that trains people to do research, and then next summer I would be working in Seattle conducting research. Crazy huh? I think I learned a valuable lesson from this. My Father is waiting patiently to bless me... I just need to ask. I've been receiving his help on important decisions without asking, but there has been so much more he has had to offer. Right now everything has just been working out. But with His plan... things could be amazing. I will try really hard to keep up with the second counselor's challenge. I need it for other reasons too. 

Brother Preble is the counselor who gave me that challenge and he told me two really cool things. 

1. If I knew who I was in the pre-existence then I would never doubt myself here on earth. 

2. This was more of a story. He asked me if I was born in the church. Then he said. 20 years ago 1 in 1000 people were LDS. He said to picture a beautiful room where I was looking out into eternity... waiting to go to earth. In this room with me were 999 other people. All of them were talking about what was going to happen. What is was going to be like to have a body. Then there is a hush. And Christ walks into the room. He looks at every single person. A look that says, "No matter what happens, everything will be ok." Then he comes over to me and says, "You're the one. You are the one who will be born a member of My church." 

I got shivers from that one. I am very lucky to have been born a member, and to have known my whole life the truth about life. That's an amazing blessing. And to whom much is given much is required. 

My blogs have been getting really religious lately... what can I say? But that doesn't bother me. I'm writing about the things that are leaving an impression on me. And if they all happen to be religious then so be it.