Summer

You know... this summer has been amazing... and nothing like I predicted it would be. I thought I would be at home bored half out of my mind, especially after Monie and Hannah left. But no... I took action, and I left too. I think that was the best decision I've made in a long time. 

This has been one of the best summer's of my life. And honestly all I did was work and read. No joke, that pretty much just sums it up. But I've changed a lot this summer. Outside and in. I have more confidence now. I truly understand that I'm a likable person and that just because one person... or two don't get along with me, that doesn't make me unlovable. It just means that I'm unlovable to them. And honestly, I don't need to be loved by everyone. 

You know what helped the most. A couple things really. The first was the BYU Bookstore. A blessing in disguise if you ask me. I was nervous at first. I knew I would be giving things up if I worked at the bookstore, but I did it anyway. I remember last year the one place outside my apartment where I could be myself was the MTC. I didn't think I could ever work in a place that was as much fun. Boy was I wrong. The Bookstore is a thousand times better. And I'm making real friendships where at the MTC I mostly made acquaintances. Not that I don't love them, I just wasn't as close. I've worked at the Bookstore for three months and I still look forward to it. I can't wait until fall when we start getting busier and more crazy. 

Also, I don't feel like a burden anymore. Granted I don't vent as much as I used to which probably helps ;D My life is so amazing right now... for no good reason. I'm just deciding that it's good right now. And it is. There's no drama, no instability. That's the one thing I don't like. Not knowing who will stay and who will go. Being afraid of making myself to vulnerable without meaning to. But it's ok. I'm guarding my heart and giving exactly how much is needed for the situation. There's a phrase that I heard once that is so true that I need to remember:

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will, so don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future. 

I figured out that I have people come into my life for all sorts of reasons. Some were meant to stay, some were meant to stay momentarily to change me into the person I was meant to become, and I think some were meant to distract me... to make me think that I am not supposed to be anything. That is not true. God has a plan for me just as much as he does for anyone else. 

Another thing I figured out this summer is no one is better than me. Different... of course. But not better. We were all given the trials we can handle, the gifts to help us become great, minds to help us figure it all out in our own way, and hearts to help us love each other for our differences. We are all different. My visiting teachers helped me with that. Last year I was the odd duck out for most of Freshman year. Mostly because I wasn't bubbly and happy and excited about EVERYTHING all the time. I was mellow and sad and happy and zoned out and goofy and obnoxious at times. But that just made me different not worse. My visiting teachers this last summer were like me. I love them to death! We would be talking about guys and people in general and Vanessa told me that, yeah, a lot of guys are attracted to the happy, bubbly, excited girl. But not all of them. Some prefer quiet, sensitive, emotionally well rounded girls. And that goes for a lot of people. So I just have to find the people who love me for me. Which is apparently not that difficult. ;D

Other people who helped me figure this out were Dani and Kathryn. They helped me figure out that even though we don't live together that doesn't mean they are kicking me out of their lives. We'll always be good friends even if we don't see each other for a while. And you know, I think the summer helped me with that too. I probably won't see my old roommates very much anymore, but that's ok. I've created a new less spastic life for myself. One that fits me rather than finding a life that can fit all of them in it too. Because they don't think of people the same way I do. Individuals are very important to me. People are important to them. It's not better or worse... it's just different. And I can see that I only need people in my life who need me in theirs. And those who need me in their lives will keep me there. I won't have to do everything. And now I think I'm at a point where either way it won't matter to me. Because I know I'll be happy either way. So I will let whoever else decide what makes them happy. 

I love my life. Everything is working out for the best right now, and I am no longer blind to it. It's an amazing feeling... to see first hand what God does in our lives. I love Him so much and I know He loves me too. He wants me to be the best I can, and He will do everything in his power to help that happen. Sometimes it'll hurt and sometimes it'll be amazing but either way it's for the best! So bring it on! 

Like I said this was the best summer of my life!