Saturday, January 24, 2009

Back in Reality

I know this sounds weird, but I think I've finally figured out why I'm more content now... even happy. I'm back in reality. I'm not convincing myself of anything; I'm not being convinced by anyone else of anything. I'm back to being neither optimistic nor pessimistic. I'm just a realist. 

Wanna hear how I figured this out. For a while I got sucked into this la la land maze that wouldn't let me go. It was full of rainbows without rain, flowers, and sun, and everything good. But that isn't me. It is some people... sickly enough... it is some people. But that isn't my reality. 

So here's the the funny/weird story. Not long though I don't think. You know the phrase "when life hands you lemons make lemonade". Well someone gave me a piece of flair that says, "Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck." That sounds terrible, but it made me so happy. It was nice  to know that not everyone's life is perfect. I'm not alone. Not anymore at least. I have people that care about me... but almost more importantly, I have people who want me. It's not this passive, "I like you, but..." Now it's, "I like you, so..." It's been hard here in Utah having all the people that wanted me in Missouri, but now I found some here too. And I'm not alone. Other people have lived crazy hard painful lives. Some like me, some worse than me, but there's always someone to understand what it's like to not be charmed. I missed that. I'm grateful everyday. Because I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my Heavenly Father. I wouldn't be here if He didn't love me and want me to be happy. Happy with no strings attached. 

Finally.

Friday, January 9, 2009

You are Loved <3

A little for early for Single's Awareness Day, but it's ok. That and a month after that I may not be single. Weird. hmmm...?


Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Time

One Year
A lot can happen in one year. You can move. You can go off to school. You could get married. You can add a few inches, take off a few pounds.  Make and break new years resolutions. You can have a baby. You could build a house in a year. A lot can happen in one year.
One Year

One Month
A lot can happen in one month. You can learn good habits and cease the bad ones.  Change your major. Change your job. Get into a relationship. You could buy a new car. You could learn a new skill. A lot can happen in one month.
One Month

One Week
A lot can happen in one week. You can start new classes for school. You can get glasses or contacts. You can get sick. You can have surgery. You could read a book. You could travel, maybe go visit home. A lot can happen in one week.
One Week

One Day
A lot can happen in one day. You can dye your hair. You can meet a new friend. You could buy food, or do your laundry. You could finish your homework. You could also elect a new president. September 11, 2001 was just one day. D-day was just one day. Pearl Harbor was just one day. Alot can happen in one day.
One Day.

One Hour
A lot can happen in one hour. You could go to class in an hour. You could spend time with a friend. You could play with your child. You could do your dishes or clean your room. You could help someone with homework they don't understand. You could read your scriptures. You could talk with your grandparents about when they were younger. Someone could pass away in an hour. A lot can happen in one hour. 
One Hour

One Minute
A lot can happen in a minute. You could say I love you. You can write a note telling someone you care. You could say a prayer. You could take out the trash. Your baby could take her first steps. You could lose a friend in a minute. You could lose your home in a natural disaster in one minute. A lot can happen in one minute.
One Minute

One Second
A lot can happen in a second. You can fall in love in a second. You can get an idea in a second. You can lose a friend's trust forever in a second. Your baby could say "mama" for the first time in a second. Your heart can be broken in one second. Your dreams could come true in one second. You could say "Yes" in one second. Alot can happen in one second.
One Second

Just as many important things happen in one second as in one year. You can do important things, things that mean the world to someone in one second. Don't let them pass by. And also, don't think that nothing will change. There will come a time when things will be lost. And you may not get a month or a year of warning. It could be lost in a second. 

"Take care in your minutes and the hours will take care of themselves." -Lord Chesterfield 

Band aids

I'm the kind of person that likes to just rip off a band aid no matter how much it hurts. At least most of the time. Sometimes I wish a band aid was all I had to worry about. That people couldn't hurt me anymore than a silly little band aid. I've never ripped off a person before. I always gave everyone a second chance. Sometimes for the better, sometimes to my dismay. But I've never given up on anyone. I think this band aid, while ripped off as far as it would go, will remain stuck to my heart for a little while longer. :'D

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Christmas!

So I got to go home for Christmas and it was so great! I haven't been home in about seven months, which was weird for me to think about. So much has CHANGED! It was crazy. New stores were everywhere, Samuel was home, Monie had a baby (who is pretty much the cutest thing alive which means something coming from me. I'm a great judge of cuteness.), I saw some kids passing sacrament that I was sure were in Junior primary, the church is blue and not red, there's a huge new high school off in the middle of nowhere hopefully going to be open soon, and I'm sure there are a dozen or more things I've forgotten.

So I left Salt Lake at 5:45 AM (yuck!!!!) and made it into Sedalia at about 3ish. I spent Christmas opening gifts that my mother had way too much fun trying to disguise. For instance, she got me the movie Wall-E and she first wrapped a calendar around it and then she wrapped that so I couldn't tell what shape it was in. She also bought me a lot of pajamas that she wrapped individually in different shaped containers. It was fun. That night I went to Monie's and we "watched" movies. Mostly she packed and I played with Kady. She is ADORABLE!!! I could just squish her, but I won't because Monie would probably not like that. She is such a cute little mommy. But I'm not gonna lie, I still can't grasp the fact that she is a mommy. I mean we were just kids a few years ago. Where did time go?

Anyway, Justin called that night while I was over there. It was actually kind of funny because Monie thought it was my brother, and I went back inside to get my coat and Justin was like, "Give the phone to Monie". So I did and she said, "Oh Justin. (under her breath, "I thought this was your brother.")" haha. It was fun. So at this point I have no idea where Justin and I stand, but I do know that I have two conniving, nosy relatives who are going to treat me like they know until I either marry him or break up with him. Oh great. Family.

I taught sunbeams on Sunday. Monie was the normal teacher, but she was in Nauvoo since they are moving... well.. yesterday. haha. Justin's mom came up to me and said, "Are you doing anything today?" I love how she had to ask to make sure no one got to me first. I mean, I've been gone for most of the year and I come back for one Sunday and I'm teaching again. Figures. Not bad though. Even though they were all boys, and Mario decided it was Annoy-the-Crap-Out-of-Everyone Day. Other than that it was fine. 

I also hung out with Hannah and Jessie at some point. I met Hannah at Walmart and then we picked up Jessie and got some pizza and went to the park. Did I mention that it was a nice 50 degrees most of the time. Lovely. Anyway, I never got to see Hannah much because she's pretty much on her husbands leash. I expected that though. Oh well, it works for them. 

I hung out with Heather on Tuesday. We went to Perkins to eat and catch up. Then we went to go get her brother and went to go see Marley and Me. Good movie. Really sad though. I felt dumb because I couldn't control my crying. Luckily I could control the sobbing. It was a really good movie though. I don't care what other people say about Valkrie or however you spell it. I know some people have a fascination with gore and violence, but I am not one of those people. Anyhow...

We also had an All-Holiday Bash at Monie's. We celebrated various  holidays that we miss spending together. It was fun. That was also New Year's Eve. I went home just in time to be there at midnight. haha. Mom wasn't there though because she was putting gas in the car because I had to leave the next day to come back to Provo.

Lucky to say, I am officially moved in, and my room is relatively clean. haha. Which is one of my goals this year. I like my ward and my roommates. I think this semester is finally going to be the time of my life. Not that I wait around for it. Everyday is the time of my life. But I think this semester it'll be... how do I say this?... a little easier to find things I'm grateful for. haha. Yeah that's it. Oh yeah, I forgot. 

On Wednesday I got contacts again. It was funny because the doctor said that my right eye is so messed up that it needs a special contact lens fit special for it, so that I can see properly. Sad to say that takes a long time, so my right eye isn't exactly at 20/20 right now. It's ok though. I'm over the dizziness. That pretty much sucked.  

So as boring as they are these are the highlights of my holidays. I loved every minute though. I also got good grades which is always a nice touch. Not to mention the huge jump in my bank account. Ooh la la. I should go and NOT be productive. The next four months will be productive enough. No need to start tonight. ;{ haha I accidently typed that. Doesn't it look like a little angry man who can only squint with one eye. Yeah I'm weird. Here's what I meant ;P

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Worth It

Because I'm worth it.

Just because you can't see it, and have thrown me away...

Nope, doesn't change a thing. Because I'm worth it.

I'm worth the effort you didn't give.

I'm worth the love you couldn't sacrifice.

I'm worth the seconds I was never in your thoughts.

I'm worth the breath you didn't waste talking to me.

I'm worth the time you didn't spend.

I'm worth it...

even if you were too blind to see it.

I let the hopeless blind me to things that I should see
The black and white finally flip to set me free
I’m tired of living completely on my own
I’m searching and praying to someday find my home.