Somewhere

Somewhere inside my head there's a place.

A place that no one else can go.

A place that I can call my own.

A place that only I can define

Whatever's in my mind.

Where I can define my own space.

Somewhere inside my head there's a girl.

A girl that can write with ease.

A girl that can fly and run and breathe

A girl who knows wrong from right.

A girl who only lives in the light.

A girl who lives without the world.

Somewhere inside my head there's a road.

A road that continues to grow.

A road that only Heavenly Father knows.

A road that's made with different terrain.

A road that teaches me joy and pain.

A road that helps me learn what I've already been told.

Somewhere inside my head there's a plan.

A plan that helps me set my goals.

A plan that slowly I'm getting to know.

A plan that helps me learn to find truth.

A plan that guides me through.

A plan that shows me that I can.

Somewhere out there my Father sees

All these things inside my head.

All these words that went unsaid.

All these goals I didn't quite meet.

All these decisions I couldn't quite reach.

All the things I couldn't quite be.

All the good that I have done.

All the successes I've earned in school.

All the times I followed every rule.

All the love that I have given.

All the times that I've been driven.

He'll watch me walk my way through life.

Until one day, after much happiness and strife,

I can stop walking, and finally run.

:D

So I think I'm semi-done being a brat about relationships. I know I've been kind of annoying; it just got really overwhelming to have that be EVERYWHERE. No really... haha.

So anyway, I'm going to go camping this weekend! I'm soooooo excited. I'm going to arches with Julie and Angel, and we'll be there until Sunday morning. I haven't been there, so it'll be fun. I'll need to get batteries for my camera. hee hee. They said that the hikes there are awesome. And apparently I haven't lived until I've seen the Delicate Arch. haha. So anyway... that'll be cool. 

Justin comes home next Wednesday. It's weird to think that the next email I send him is the last one I will send him while he's on his mission. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it, or if I'm dreading it. It feels like I'm dreading it.  :/

So I'm actually doing really well in school so far this semester. Except maybe Women's Studies. But I have an A or A- in almost every class. I'm starting to slack off because it's getting nicer outside... it's so beautiful. It was cool at 2 in the morning. I can vouch for it... I was doing laundry. haha. Today was amazing... and I'm scatter brained. Which is obvious to me because I'm writing this while I'm sitting in my Personality class. 

Oooooh. So a funny thing happened to me at work yesterday. They appparently have a Dialectics class here at BYU. This week was Irish. haha. Anyway... they had this list of things they had to do and they came to the candy counter. Sidney and I had to do the YMCA twice on video, and Katy got embarrassed when someone asked her if she'd date his friend. haha.

So... that's life in a nutshell.

True Happiness

Happiness is knowing that God agrees with you.

Happiness is more sought after than anything else, yet very few really know anything about it.

Happiness is being able to love those that hate you as well as those that love you.

Happiness is knowing that whatever happens, it will be for the best.

Happiness is having control over your own life. 

Happiness is knowing that you can handle anything thrown at you.

Happiness is self-made.

Happiness does not come from or because of anyone else.

True happiness is knowing who you are and living up to your potential.

I am.

The two most powerful words.

How do we define ourselves? How should we? We tend to define ourselves by the things that make us different. 

I am... a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That used to be my definition. But should it have been? Was I letting myself down because I was limiting my own potential?

I have several friends that define themselves this way.

I am... homosexual. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I do not define myself as heterosexual. But what if I did? How would my life... my outlook change if I defined myself by my sexual orientation?

Then I look around... that is how we define ourselves.

I am... a mother.

I am... a wife.

I am... a fiance.

I am... in a relationship.

I am... single.

We are sexual creatures. Whether we'd like to admit it or not. But are we limiting ourselves? Are we limiting our aspirations because our only true goal in life is to find a companion, so that we can be happy? Can we be happy alone?

What if all of a sudden we stopped letting society tell us what does and doesn't make us happy? Because that is why we think this way. Because media and government and our culture and our families even our religion... they all seem to say one thing. You need a companion and if you don't have one there is something wrong with you. I can not tell you how mystified people get when I tell them that I could be perfectly happy not getting married. It doesn't scare me a bit to graduate single. How sad is that?

We were first created as spiritual beings. Only by coming to earth did we even have a chance at being sexual ones. But should that be all we are?

What about my homosexual friends? By letting this define them they've closed themselves off to being anything else. One of my good friends just recently embraced it and now we really aren't friends anymore... and not by my choice. 

What is true happiness? What kind of happiness lasts forever?

Because contrary to Bohemian belief... we need more than love. 

I am... me.

I am... of infinite potential BECAUSE

I am... a child of God. 

Other People are Messing with my Mind

It's like being ripped into a million pieces, so that you can be made whole again.

It's like having scabs pulled off to heal your scars.

It's like having someone break your heart to heal it.

It's like sinning to be able to repent.

It's like holding your breathe, so you can remember how to breathe.

It doesn't seem like it will ever work. It doesn't seem like it could work. It feels like it's wrong, but at the same time you know it isn't. It makes no sense while making all the sense in the world. It's like emptying something to fill it, fill it with something better, something more important. It's like trying to break me, so that I can be put back together again, but better. It's like a puzzle that was put together by a four-year-old probably has a lot of pieces that are just shoved together, and someone who knows how puzzles work along with someone who knows what the picture looks like come and take the puzzle apart so that it can be put together properly. 

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm being ripped apart. I'm more confused than I ever have been. I'm scared of people for the first time ever. I'm questioning everything about myself, and honestly, I know that whether or not something changes, I needed to. I don't like this feeling, but when you put a cast on a broken arm sometimes it itches. That's uncomfortable for the moment, but afterward your arm is fixed. 

And now I just hope that I am trusting the right person.