Broken Notes

Some people's lives are beautiful paintings. Vibrant colors fill the canvas. It's full of blue skies and rainstorms and mountains and molehills. Through each beautiful stroke of color you can see the love, the hate, the joy, the anguish. You look at these people and see their beauty, their poise, their value. Everything is laid out in a beautiful portrait of who they are. 

But others, yes, some people cannot be beautiful works of art. Not everything can always be laid out for everyone to see. Some people have a beautiful melody. It may take a while to get there, to finally see the beauty. You may have some wrong notes, some minor chords. But at the end you see how all of these things really work into a beautiful melody that, without the wrong notes and minor chords, would have never been that amazing. To love me you have to hear my song. Listen to the hum of my voice when I tell you I'm fine. You'll be amazed at what you'll hear. 

Perfection isn't everything

Cause a face without freckles

is like a sky without stars

Why waste a second

Not loving who you are.

Those little imperfections

Make you beautiful, lovable, valuable

They show your personality inside your heart

Reflecting who you are.

True Beauty

This shows how beauty is made. I really liked this.

"If you truly expect to realize your dreams, abandon the need for blanket approval. If conforming to everyone else's expectations is the number one goal, you have sacrificed your uniqueness and, therefore, your excellence." - Don Ward

Missing

What is "missing"? What makes us miss things? I miss my mom, but not all the time. Same for Monie, my brother, my grandma. I even miss things like fields and my cat and my bed and how my house smells and the mess. I really miss the mess. It was more carefree than my life here will ever be. But what exactly am I feeling when I miss these things? What do I want? Cause I don't want to move home. Do I want those things to come to me? I don't really know. What about missing people? Sometimes people are missed even though you just saw them. I heard this quote once that said it's not about the time or the distance; it's about that one moment when you wish they were there. Is that it? Is it about wanting someone's presence? And what does that do for people? I mean if my roommate and I are home and neither of us are talking to each other, how is that different than being alone? Is it the idea that you could talk to someone if you wanted? What is it about being alone that scares so many people? I mean there's this one philosopher a long time ago, I can't remember which one because I'm learning about too many, but he says that to remain happy he had to be away from people. I think I'm very much the same way. Then why do I miss people? What is it about people that makes me go out of my way to make them happy, or to keep them in my life? Especially the ones that don't make me happy. The ones that I have fun times with, but in the long run I end up being hurt by them a lot. Why do I miss that? What about it do I miss?  Is it the familiarity? Is it the sense of belonging? I wish I understood what I am missing. Because I don't think it's people. It's something that people are doing for me. Something I can't pin point. But if I ever could pin point it could I ever make myself stop missing it? Could I find a replacement? I know many people that stop missing things. A few of my good friends stopped missing me. Why can't I stop missing them too? What am I missing? I hope I can find it soon. Because this is affecting me way more than it should be.

So Many Beautiful Reasons to be Happy

Landlord's knocking at my door, cussing me out

Got laid off my job the night before

I can't feel how I'm gonna fix tomorrow when yesterday's still a mess

Can you tell me whats the point when it all seems meaningless?



Wish that I could step away and breathe

This world's trying to swallow me

Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me that it's ok now... what are you worrying about?



Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself, 

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?



People lie (People lie)

People hide (People hide)

People cry (People cry)

People fight... (People fight) and they don't know why

If fear is all that we should fear, then what are we so afraid of?

Cause fear is all in our heads... So why do we let it control us?



Fear makes me forget how sweet the simple things in life really are

Fear makes me believe that I'm alone

Someone just tell me that it's ok now... what are you worrying about?



Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself, 

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?



Any day now I will go mad thinking everyone is against me,

And the world wants to fight me

Preparing to batle an enemy unseen

Through my stressing,

I'm blinded to the lessons

That could be a blessing

Iif I be confessin

That the enemy I'm trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it's ok now, what am I worrying about?



Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself, 

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?



Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself, 

When there are so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?

;)

I'm having one of those days. Do you know what I mean? Probably not... you probably think I mean one of THOSE days. Today is one of those days when your just happy to be happy. I don't have to be in love, get an A on a test, or get the lead in a play. I'm living. Everything is laid out in front of me. I can learn anything I want. I can go wherever I want. Nothing can hold me down. And I don't have to be anyone else to do it either. If I want to learn to cook, sew, dance, or act then I don't have to worry about who the rest of the world is comparing me to. They don't matter. What matters is that I am happy. Life can be as exciting as you make it. And I think I'm finally ready to begin mine. And I'm not going to depend on anything unreliable ever again. I'm going to sing like nobody's listening, love like I've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like it's heaven on earth. When the skies are blue, the grass is green, the storms have passed, I can finally see that I'm going to thank my Father for the life he's given me. And when the storms come on, and the sky is gray, when the world is dull, now I can finally say, thank you Father for this wonderful day.

I am..

...idealistic, a peacemaker, diplomatic, refined, poised, gracious, kind, courteous, fair-minded, sociable, charming, artistically creative, affable, cooperative, extroverted, and usually somewhat indecisive.

I thought this was funny because it's how they described my sign. I actually do fit all of them in some way or another.

I ain't in Sedalia anymore

I heard this song and it sounded WAY too similar not to rewrite it a little. I did it really fast so it's kinda bad, but I want to post it anyway.

Where 65 meets 50,

There's a single stop light town,

And with railways always running,

It was not my favorite sound,

On any given Friday night,

We'd drive a hundred miles,

Between the Sonic and the Grocery Store,

Laughing all the while,

With as many friends as we could pack,

In my best friend's Ford,

But I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

 

My college in Utah,

Holds more people than our town,

And what I just paid for rent,

Would be a down payment on a house,

I'd rather be tipping cows in Warrensburg,

Than taking buses in Provo,

But I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

 

I'm in a world so wide,

It makes me feel small sometimes,

I miss the big blue skies,

the old Missouri kind.

 

In a world of friendly faces,

Where I am understood,

All the “Congratulations” flashing,

Could make a girl feel pretty good,

You can get anything you want here,

Except a Wal-Mart store,

But I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

 

I'm in a world so wide,

It makes me feel small sometimes,

I miss the big blue skies,

the old Missouri kind.

 

Where the Tigers beat the Jay Hawks,

Scott Joplin day and the state fair,

After prom, down at the bowling lanes,

Catching crappie fish in Clover Dell lake,

I ain't in Sedalia anymore.

 

I'm in a world so wide,

It makes me feel small sometimes,

I miss the big blue skies,

the old Missouri kind,

But I ain't in Sedalia,

No I ain't in Sedalia,

Oh, there's nothing like my Missouri.

 

Where 65 meets 50,

There's a single stoplight town.

I really should be studying.

...

I want to matter...

Zzzzz.....

Yeah that's pretty much how I feel right now. But I will NOT go to bed. No siree. Or however you spell that. 

So right at this moment I am cleaning the kitchen, my bedroom (doesn't look half bad right now), and I'm doing both while listening to Norton Scores on my ipod. I think that... oh and I'm doing laundry... I think THAT is a very productive night. See dates are evil I proved it. I am most productive on Friday nights. What would I do if I had a date. I'd never get ANYTHING done ;)

So anyway, besides the constant running life is pretty much dull. My classes are turning out to be a lot different than I expected. It seems no matter how many times I take classes at college, I still look at my schedule and think, "This is going to be impossible." It never is. Most of the time it's fairly simple. At least I'm pleasantly surprised.

So I've only missed one deadline, and I'm fairly certain that it's a small one, so I'm not worried. Biology thesis. In my opinion the paper will probably be what counts the most. But that's just my opinion. 

So I don't really have a social life. I'm kinda too busy. But it's not really bugging me too much. I think I prefer this to spending a lot of time with acquaintances. I'm much too hard on my acquaintances, but any time I'm with any of them I feel like I'm wasting my time. And honestly, I am. So I'm glad I'm busy.

General Conference starts tomorrow. Unfortunately my work has it out for me... again. I have to work for the entire Saturday sessions. The same thing happened last year except it was Sunday, and I was at the MTC. And it happened both semesters. Even funnier is that I'm the only non-full time person who has to work through BOTH sessions. Lame huh? Every one else can at least make it to one or the other.

I'm such a complainer. So anyhow, my mommy is coming to visit me next weekend. It's my birthday next Saturday. I'm going to be 2o. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. I'm kinda excited because I will finally be counted as a real adult (not a teenager), but at the same time... 20 IS SO OLD! lol

So I've pretty much taken up all the doors, the shower rod, suitcases, and the laundry facilities with my wet laundry. It's EVERYWHERE! I love it. My roommate isn't home right now, and Allison is sleeping so what does she care? I'm doing it. 

Monie had her baby. Kady Scarlett Combs. I'm so excited. She is such a cute baby. I can't wait to go home for Christmas to meet her. I bet she'll already have sarcastic facial expressions. 

I don't know if I mentioned this, but Justin and I are no longer writing or anything. I don't even think we are friends anymore. No wait I did mention that... kinda. I didn't explain anything though. Here's what happened. Justin had been getting a little too obsessed with us getting married and what not... well at some point he thought it would be a good idea to propose. He sent me several pictures, and the first one was him holding a sign that said, "Marry me?" I wrote him back and told him that I couldn't write him anymore. Then he emailed back and asked me if he still had a chance, and I had to say no. He hasn't written me back yet. I still wonder what he's thinking. Is he mad? Is he crying? I know he probably cried. Is he plotting? Does he even care? What is he thinking? But unfortunately I may never know. Because I will never ask, and he will never tell me. If we even talk again. I miss him.

Hannah's pregnant... wasn't sure if I mentioned that either. She's due on my G-ma's birthday. April 7th. This'll be interesting.

I should go check on something... or just try not to fall asleep. I think this is pretty much the update of my life right now. Good night!