Update

So I'm super tired and I've got another half hour before my next class starts, so why not kill some time right? Anyhow... I guess I really don't have any updates. Nothing too exciting is happening to me. So one thing that is freaking me out right now is the fact that Justin gets home in a month from today. Actually I guess it's more like 28 days because February only has 28 days in it. Yup... that's pretty much the weirdest thing. I feel like he just left and that he's always been gone at the same time. I wonder what he's going to act like. Considering that my best friends are already a little worried about him, I guess I should go really slow... and not let any of them know what I'm thinking. haha.

I got a 100% on my stats quiz... without studying might I add. haha. I'm not bragging at all. haha. I also found out that I have an A- in Women's Studies so far which is pretty good, since I don't do a lot for that class.

I have a visiting teaching dinner tonight, and I'm already exhausted. That and my companion is making me do all the dishes. So that's pretty much going to suck. But I'll just protest and not do them tomorrow like I'm supposed to. I'm too tired to mess with people.

So I kind of hit a mean streak this past week. I've been getting "self-esteem" therapy/coaching from my friend Erich (who I met a month ago... yeah I think that's weird too). Well I keep hitting these I'm-worth-more-than-how-you-are-treating-me kicks (hence the last post) and one of them ended up being really mean. I told this one guy that he only cares about himself and that he was basically an idiot for being the polar opposite of straight forward. I still hold that he deserved it, but inside I know I could've been nicer. Consciences suck don't they?

Work has been getting a little frustrating for me, but things have died down now. Now that I don't have a the stocking assignment from Hades. It's still frustrating though because at the Candy Counter you actually have to deal with customers, and it's annoying when you are actually trying to get things done and your coworkers are just standing around talking, and you have to go help the customers. That and customers (and I fully admit that I'm like this too) are so wrapped up in themselves. This morning I was trying to change bins and make cookies and customers who just wanted to be checked out would come to me. I wanted to be like, "Isn't it kind of obvious that I'm trying to do a million things at once and that there are four registers with cashiers sitting on their hind ends doing nothing that you could've gone to?" But I don't. I don't mind when they need to get candy because that's something I have to do that no one else can. But why are they bringing books to me? The other registers do not have lines at 8 in the morning. They could pick the one by the exit they so choose, but no... they decide that because I'm closer it doesn't matter that I'm doing a million things at once. Ugh... I guess I've really needed to vent about work. Hmmm... good to know.

So I apparently am half of the compassionate service committee. It's Angel (my roommate) who is over Bryan (the chair) who is over me and this girl named Rachael (that I've never met) and we are the compassionate service committee. I think that's kind of funny. Apparently the bishop forgot about the compassionate service committee and so it only has two members. haha

What can I talk about for twenty minutes. Well I guess it's more like ten because I should be on time for class. I have stats tonight. Dr. Flom is actually a really great teacher. He will stick with you and do problem after problem until he thinks you understand. I like that because I'm so used to teachers who either don't care or won't really try to help if you don't get it. They'll just do an extra example and then move on. Stats is actually more interesting than I thought it was going to be. Right now we are doing probability and I feel like I'm in fifth grade. That's good I guess though right. It's only when we have to do probability with z scores that I'm going to get stumped. haha

Well I guess that's it for now... I told you my life is boring.

Why do you Wonder?

You know it's been a long time since I've overcome a lot of my family problems. My mom never understood why I thought I didn't have friends. Sure people talked to me, but I never felt close to them. Now I used to feel the same way here at BYU and my roommates didn't understand. They didn't understand why I couldn't just trust them when they said we were friends. Putting aside everything that happened that year... here's why we aren't friends.

I wish I could accurately describe the Candy Counter, so that this would make sense. So the candy counter is in the dead center of the main floor of the bookstore. Usually people cut around it because they are only cutting through the bookstore because it's faster than going around. The candy counter is also between the up stairs and the down stairs, so it's like there's an invisible rectangle around it. So here's why I'm peeved. Because yes... I saw you... and watched you... and this time, it's called being observant, not over-analyzing. So picture a rectangle that has a line starting from the middle of the long side and going to the corner. Where that line begins is the candy counter. Where the line ends is the exit. So I saw you... only you  walk next to the candy counter. I was talking to my boss for a second because I thought you were leaving so you'd cut behind me and take the diagonal line to the exit. Plus there weren't any people back there, so it wasn't congested. I turned back around and you were gone, so I was trying to figure out how I missed you. It made me a little sad because I wanted to say hi, even though I did have to leave in like thirty seconds to go clock in. Then I saw you again. You were walking down the side of the rectangle, instead of cutting across the fast way. I thought maybe you were going out the other exit cause it would have been faster or that you needed something from general book. Then I saw you turn for the TZ exit.  So I thought maybe there was a line at South and you were going around because the end would have been somewhere over there. But then... after all this time, I saw who was standing in front of you. I saw that you were following. Even then I had hope that you wouldn't be like that. But you walked right passed south and out the TZ. 

Now I know that story is too long for what it's worth, but if you knew these girls from Freshman year, you'd know why it had to be so detailed. You see... they NEVER trusted me when it came to this subject. I never had proof. Only my roommate trusted me and not even until the end of the year. I wanted you to know EXACTLY what I was thinking. So you would know that I actually thought the best until proven otherwise. I have changed. YOU have not.

I know that you have no spine, but how is it exactly that you can do crap like that and still be like, "No it's because she thinks you hate her."?

Rest assured, if the situation were flipped I would have walked passed her; I would've said hi; if you wanted to talk for a second, we would've talked awhile. You should know better than to think I hate her. So how is it that you don't know better when I say she hates me? I don't know why she still hates me. Or even why she hates me. Because honestly I did nothing to her last year... but she did do something to me. And yet she hates, and I don't. And you are blind.

So yet again, be rest assured, you've chosen alliances. We are not enemies, but we are NOT friends. Because guess what? I will learn to have confidence and know I AM worth something. I have good friends now who see worth in me. You didn't know this, but the night before that my friends figured out my self image, and one of the them spent hours telling me that I'm worth something. It was hard having this happen the next day... but you know what, I AM worth it. Even if you are too blind to see it.

And I don't deserve to have friends like you.

Happiness: Ideal or Illusion?

Is happiness the ideal? Is happiness the thing we are striving for? Is the point in life to be happy?

The first thing I thought of was the scripture, "Men are that they might have joy." Does it say "men are that they might always have joy"? I'm not saying it's unrighteous to be happy. I'm saying it's not unrighteous to not be happy.

We live in Happy Valley. To most people from Happy Valley it's a compliment. To any mormon outside the bubble it's a punchline. Do you know why? Because it's fake. Who really wants to pretend to be happy? Wouldn't we all rather just be happy?

The state of Utah is ranked 1st out of 51 states for depression. And 6th for suicide. Does this sound like happiness?

In my women's studies class we were talking about how media influences the way we think and how it has power to determine the "norm". I know this sounds terrible, but I think mormon media comes from church leaders. I don't think they themselves are trying to make themselves seem like they are the norm, but they are the face of the church, and so LDS women think that is what it means to be an LDS woman, and anything else is wrong.

Elder Wirthlin said in General Conference, "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't--at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretend happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life."

Nephi lamented at the death of his father. He was terrified of the mantel that had fallen on his shoulders. Was he being unrighteous?

Alma cried for his people when they wouldn't repent. Remember the "Oh that I were an angel, that I could cry repentance unto this people." Was this unrighteous?

Christ turned tables in the temple because he was angry that they were desecrating His Father's house. Was this unrighteous?

Like I said, it's not unrighteous to be happy. But this idea that we, especially as women, cannot be anything but happy is a cultural norm, not doctrine. And the more of us that fall into the trap the further we are from overcoming it. And the more we idealize people or worship people who are like this, the more prevalent it will become. Let's strive to be more like Christ and be good members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instead of trying to just be good mormons.

Opinions and Judgments

"It's so easy to destroy and condemn, that which we do not understand. Did you ever wonder, 'Is it justified?'" -Within Temptation

So I know I posted today already, but now I've been thinking about something else a lot now. I know I'm a psychology major and it's kind of part of the description to understand how people think, but sometimes it amazes how very little people understand about other people. Is empathy lost completely? Is it really that difficult to see something from someone's perspective without it having to be the same as your own? I think it's awesome to have your own beliefs, but because of that is it impossible to understand why others would have beliefs outside of our own?

I'm LDS. Anyone who reads this probably either knows that or figured it out pretty quickly. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman; I believe abortion is murder; I believe a lot of things that the current presidency of the United States doesn't. So... am I a bad person because I understand that other people may not believe the same way I do, and that they might be good people too?

Maybe it's because I used to be a Libertarian. Maybe that's why I can see it from their perspective. I mean, people who've had it beaten into them that there is NO other way to think but Republican probably should have problems seeing things from other people's perspective. A funny thing is... I didn't change my mind because someone told me I was a "bad" member of my church or that I wasn't Christian. Actually those things made me believe I was right because I was more open minded. I change my mind because I read an article by an apostle of the church who calmly stated that we as members of the church should stand up for our beliefs. I find that most people respond better with kind words rather than accusations.

Anyway, here is my arguement. Members of the LDS church should all probably believe that abortion is murder and that murder is bad. We all understand the plan of salvation well enough to understand this concept. Especially when the church's stance on abortion actually allows for things like rape, incest, and health of the mother. And that if you choose to get pregnant, and by choose I mean choosing to have sex knowing what could happen, you can give the baby up for adoption and make sure he/she goes to a good family.

Christians on the other hand do NOT know the plan of salvation. We are responsible for that knowledge, but they aren't. So how can we make a broad statement about how you aren't Christian if you support Obama? Who knows what that person has been taught. A lot of good things come from abortions, like stem cell research etc, and maybe they don't think of the fetus as a child until he/she is born and they believe more in the free agency of the woman. We don't know. And like I said, I don't believe this, but then again... I was taught the true doctrine... Christians haven't been necessarily.

I think even the beliefs of LDS members can get skewed on the aspect of gay marriage. Not everyone goes looking for talks that were given last week by apostles, let alone in the seventys. And I, for one, can say that in our church politcal opinions aren't taught unless taught by the parents, so it's not like I went to church and learned how to be Republican. Rebulican is just something that fits based on the beliefs of LDS members. But I can also see how others can be confused. We are taught that marriage is between a man and a woman, but we are also taught the freedom of agency. So some "good" members of the church could believe that making laws against gay marriage is a bad thing because it's like we're playing Satan by telling other people what to do instead of giving them their own choice. Can we really decide who is and who isn't a good or bad member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

I think in this case we need to be very careful of what we say and think. As a member of the LDS faith I believe that we reserve the right to make righteous judgments in the moment that affect us and our families. And if you make the righteous judgment that a certain potential president shouldn't be president because of the your beliefs and the beliefs of your family then by all means, go with it.

However, we are also taught that final judgments are God's only. We cannot decide who is or isn't a good member of the LDS faith because we will never know the intents of their hearts. We cannot decide who is or isn't Christian because we will never know what they were taught. I'm not saying that they are right. Because I personally don't believe they are, but that should be the end of our judging. Judge the opinion... not the person.

Friends

Ok, don't ask me why but I've been a little upset because people who aren't in my life seem to somehow weasel out all of my information through other people which is not necessarily a bad thing, but a lot of information I like to tell to very few people so if it goes wrong all of the people who were there through the whole thing will understand and be there for the bad part too. Some people just want something to talk about. So if they know that I applied for a job, if I didn't get the job or lost the job they'd talk about it but not be there for me at all. 

Which got me thinking about a completely different subject. How do I define who is "in my life"? Because there are some people that I see more often than I see Monie, but Monie is in my life and they aren't. So I came up with my definition. Someone who's in my life, whether it be family, friend, or acquaintance, is someone who I know when I'll see them again. Or at least I have a vague idea. There are acquaintances I have that only come to game night on Sunday's, but because I know I will probably see them eventually for game night, I consider them "in my life." I may not see Monie very often, but I know when that I'll probably see her again when I go home. If I can convince either my mother for the car or Justin to take me. But I think for long distance people to be in my life, there has to be some kind of communication. Like I know when I'll hear from them again instead of see them again. 

So yeah... I think too much and over analyze everything, but at least now if someone gets mad at me for saying they aren't really in my life anymore, I can explain why.

Lessons Learned from Bare Naked Ladies

1. Anyone perfect must be lying.
2. Anything easy has its cost
3. Anyone plain can be lovely
4. Anyone loved can be lost.

Falling For The First Time - Bare Naked Ladies

Ego

I'm not talking about Freud. Just FYI. I like Jung's interpretation much better. Your ego is you. Ego means "I". I think I've got a pretty good grasp on my ego. I think I know it's shape, color, texture, and content. But there's more to us than our ego. There's our shadow or alter-ego which I also understand pretty well about myself. If you understand your ego the only thing you really need to do is acknowledge the possibility of an alter-ego and you're set. I'm ok with my archetypes and being collectively stereotyped.

But there is one part of me that I don't have control over yet and it takes over my ego. That's my persona. Persona literally means "mask", and, believe it or not, I have difficulty taking mine off. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to what has happened to me. Ask and ye shall receive is me in a nut shell. The trick is to get me to admit how I felt about it. And if you don't know how I felt about it you know basically nothing. You could see that I opened the door for someone, but do you know why I did it. Actually I do that because I like to, but you get the point. I don't think there are hardly any people at all that really know my ego because in my opinion my ego is kind of what I really wish I could say and do and act like. My persona is so not the same. I'm still a little (or a lot) rambunctious and giggly, but sometimes I act like that when I don't really want to. I'm a little sick of not having control over my persona. Honestly I like my ego better. 

That was me just rambling about stuff that my personality class is teaching me. Man, I thought I thought (wow redundancy) too much before. Yuck. haha