Why do you Wonder?

You know it's been a long time since I've overcome a lot of my family problems. My mom never understood why I thought I didn't have friends. Sure people talked to me, but I never felt close to them. Now I used to feel the same way here at BYU and my roommates didn't understand. They didn't understand why I couldn't just trust them when they said we were friends. Putting aside everything that happened that year... here's why we aren't friends.

I wish I could accurately describe the Candy Counter, so that this would make sense. So the candy counter is in the dead center of the main floor of the bookstore. Usually people cut around it because they are only cutting through the bookstore because it's faster than going around. The candy counter is also between the up stairs and the down stairs, so it's like there's an invisible rectangle around it. So here's why I'm peeved. Because yes... I saw you... and watched you... and this time, it's called being observant, not over-analyzing. So picture a rectangle that has a line starting from the middle of the long side and going to the corner. Where that line begins is the candy counter. Where the line ends is the exit. So I saw you... only you  walk next to the candy counter. I was talking to my boss for a second because I thought you were leaving so you'd cut behind me and take the diagonal line to the exit. Plus there weren't any people back there, so it wasn't congested. I turned back around and you were gone, so I was trying to figure out how I missed you. It made me a little sad because I wanted to say hi, even though I did have to leave in like thirty seconds to go clock in. Then I saw you again. You were walking down the side of the rectangle, instead of cutting across the fast way. I thought maybe you were going out the other exit cause it would have been faster or that you needed something from general book. Then I saw you turn for the TZ exit.  So I thought maybe there was a line at South and you were going around because the end would have been somewhere over there. But then... after all this time, I saw who was standing in front of you. I saw that you were following. Even then I had hope that you wouldn't be like that. But you walked right passed south and out the TZ. 

Now I know that story is too long for what it's worth, but if you knew these girls from Freshman year, you'd know why it had to be so detailed. You see... they NEVER trusted me when it came to this subject. I never had proof. Only my roommate trusted me and not even until the end of the year. I wanted you to know EXACTLY what I was thinking. So you would know that I actually thought the best until proven otherwise. I have changed. YOU have not.

I know that you have no spine, but how is it exactly that you can do crap like that and still be like, "No it's because she thinks you hate her."?

Rest assured, if the situation were flipped I would have walked passed her; I would've said hi; if you wanted to talk for a second, we would've talked awhile. You should know better than to think I hate her. So how is it that you don't know better when I say she hates me? I don't know why she still hates me. Or even why she hates me. Because honestly I did nothing to her last year... but she did do something to me. And yet she hates, and I don't. And you are blind.

So yet again, be rest assured, you've chosen alliances. We are not enemies, but we are NOT friends. Because guess what? I will learn to have confidence and know I AM worth something. I have good friends now who see worth in me. You didn't know this, but the night before that my friends figured out my self image, and one of the them spent hours telling me that I'm worth something. It was hard having this happen the next day... but you know what, I AM worth it. Even if you are too blind to see it.

And I don't deserve to have friends like you.