Missing Missouri

Missing Missouri by Sara Evans

I heard this song in the Twilight Zone while I was at work, and Deena looked at me funny when I was really excited.

So yeah... life is hectic, it seems like I can't even think about the next week because it would overload my brain. haha.

Michael and I are doing well. Yesterday was my birthday and this weekend Michael pulled out his "World-class husband" skills. He took me out to eat, got me my wedding band, and a beautiful painting of Christ with children... on Saturday. Then on Sunday, he made me food, started to plan a party but I was sick so we decided against it, and basically just pampered me the entire day. It was nice.

So yeah... updates this time are:

I forgot to get a new license so mine is expired... whoops.

I have a couple tests this week. :P

I'm 21. :D

Michael is wonderful. That's not really different though... just thought I'd add it in.

This semester is almost half over!!!!

And Lessons Learned:

Only get sick on your birthday if you can find someone to hang around you and pamper enough to cover being sick and it being your birthday.

Indexing actually CAN be fun! ;D

Well... I guess it's been a while since I've blogged about anything, and since my body has decided it is awake at almost 4 in the morning then I guess I might as well right? haha

So let's see. I've officially been married now for three weeks! Hard to believe it's almost been a month, but I guess so. haha. It's been a little hard getting adjusted, but I'm loving every bit of it. Michael has been amazing as usual and helping me out a lot. Well here's a compiled list of everything that has been happening that I think I missed:

Michael had some BYU issues, but now has been admitted as a night student, so that worked out nicely. We have every night class he has but one together, and I'm pretty happy about that. ;D

My apartment is basically moved in. Still slightly messy, so pictures will be a while. haha. Maybe with this three-day weekend I can clean and get some pictures up.

And yes, I know, I still don't have wedding pictures up. Eventually I will call my aunt and give her my address so I can get those. But I have to remember at a decent hour... which has yet to happen. haha

School is good. I'm taking Psych 302 (Research, Design and Analysis) which has been really fun. So far we've poked each other with this random stick instrument to collect data, and tested to see where our blind spot is. I think that class is going to be fun. I'm also taking D&C and Pearl of Great Price. Actually, my Pearl of Great Price teacher is taught by my very first BOM teacher, Alan Parrish, so I think I'll like that class. I'm also taking MUSIC 101... oh yeah. I added Music as my minor... finally. I think that'll be fun. I've done a lot of it already. I'm also taking Child Development and LDS Perspectives and Psychology. That class will be cool. I love Dr. Gantt. I didn't realize it until the first class though, but he was the speaker in Psych 101 that inspired me more than any other teacher. He told us that in college the professors don't teach correct principles necessarily. They teach all of the arguments, so that when we enter the world, we can have a voice and our own opinion to argue in the field of psychology. I think LDS perspectives is the absolute best class I could take from him, and I'm really excited.

Anyhow... I guess that's it. Things are finally settling down now that the receptions are over, and nothing needs to be planned. Well, I'm slightly tired enough to maybe go back to sleep. We'll see. Good night!

Miracle of the Moment

Miracle Of The Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman

It's time for letting go

All of our "if onlies"
Cause we don't have a time machine

And even if we did
Would we really want to use it
Would we really want to go change everything

Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out

And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go
Let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now (here and now)
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle
Of the moment

Slowing Down

So I was reading through some of my past blogs, and other things on my blog. I've changed a lot since even a few months ago. I think some of it is good, but I think I'm also changing somethings I shouldn't or at least don't need to.

I think between work and wedding plans I'm getting a little burnt out. I used to look at things so happily, and now I'm having difficulty focusing on the good in anything, but I think in a weird way, the reason this is becoming hard for me is because I'm not taking any time to just relax. And I think the wear and tear is just making me tired, and according to Dr. South, when you don't get enough rest it's difficult to be happy. So here's a list of things that I could potentially do (I say potentially because knowing myself, I'll turn it into some kind of assignment and add it to the list of things that I'm not doing):

Read... and read a book I LIKE. Not a book someone recommended me, or even a church book, or even scriptures. Read whatever I want to read. Even if it's something that everyone else thinks is lame.

Go for walks... maybe even take some bread to the duck pond and feed the ducks.

Sleep... weird concept. Why do people sleep again?

Watch a movie... curl up with my blankets and stuffed animals on the couch and watch whatever movie I want to watch. Maybe combine this one with the one right above it.

Write... as bad as I am at writing, it is very stress relieving. Even if it's just writing in my journal.

So now that I have a list of relaxing things to do. I also thought of other things that have been bringing me down slightly. No one is at fault, but I'm pressuring myself to "keep up" with others spiritually, and honestly, that's never a good thing. I progressed a ton more when I just decided to do things, and I didn't do them because I wanted to be "good enough" for someone else. And instead of letting my goals stress me out, maybe I should allow myself more time to do them. Maybe even ask others to help me by reminding me of them. Because mostly I'm just forgetful. Maybe I could try a little harder to remember them by putting notes up where I will see them.

I think most of all I need to stop and just breathe. I keep myself too busy. I don't have the time or energy to get anything done. My room is a mess and cleaning checks are Saturday. I need to do laundry and help out with the apartment chores, but because I run run run all day I never want to do anything else. So... I need to SLOW DOWN. Getting things done efficiently is good, but being happy about life is more important to me. Anyway... I guess I'm done ranting about stuff. Now that I've done my writing, I'm going to go sleep. Good night!

Wedding Plans

So... I'm getting married! haha. I think it's sad that I haven't updated my blog in forever! So here's the plan.

August 13th is my endowment in the Salt Lake City Utah Temple.
August 14th is my and Michael's sealing in the Draper Utah Temple. The Utah reception is that night probably at 7pm.
August 29th is the Missouri reception at 3pm.

I'm super excited. These are the official plans and unless something burns down it should be set in stone. We've been changing the dates and times a lot so it's been kind of confusing. So this is the plan... I'm sorry for whoever wishes they could be there and can't. I tried to make it as convenient as possible for as many people as possible. I'm really excited to see everyone in Missouri. It's going to be fun. I miss you guys. :D

So here are some of the smaller plans:

My amazing roommate Natasha is making my dress for me! I'm so excited! We already went and picked out the fabric and I've told her exactly what I like and she's going to do it. She's an amazing seamstress too. I've seen her make several dresses and they've all been beautiful! I can't wait.

My aunt and uncle just took our engagement pictures yesterday and they were awesome! Haha. I should be getting them back in the next couple days.

I've already made up the announcement. I really actually like it too. I was kind of surprised. But all I need to do now is add the pictures that I'll be getting and we're good to go.

I'm completely fuzzy on any reception plans, so we'll see how that goes. haha

Michael and I are hoping we can get a place in Wymount Terrace. It's close to the MTC, Provo Temple and campus, so it'd be perfect. I really hope it works out.

Still doing all the little formalities that need to be done as well. Everything is going relatively smoothly. I just can't wait until we are finally married. It's kind of a weird thought for me. Knowing that in little over a month I'll be married. I'm only 16 right? I refuse to grow up. haha. Oh well... it's worth it.

Such is Life...

So I don't really have that much updating to do just yet. I'm working full time at the Bookstore now that school is over. I'm planning to come visit Missouri the beginning of August, and I'm extremely excited. I miss home! :D There are no words to describe how well things are going with Michael. <3 Life is basically bliss. I get to do a little relaxing every now and then, shirk a few responsibilities (well, as much as I, being Nikki, can), and hang out with friends guilt-free (NO HOMEWORK!!!!) haha. My grades were pretty good, and my GPA went up a little. I only absolutely bombed one final. Silly Stats. But I'm over it now. haha... and now I long for a nap. So that's what I'm going to do. Night! haha

Song of the Heart

Two of my favorite songs on two of my favorite instruments. Could it get any better? <3

I am...

Remember that post from a while ago about choosing how to define ourselves. Well most of that stemmed from Women's Studies because that happened to be the topic of the day. Well as usual another one of my classes gave me some ideas as to the answer. Or at least... MY answer.

I am... 

still very powerful. Still a definition. Still very solid and very unchanging. So... how do we define ourselves?

The answer:

We don't.

Today in my personality class the lecture was on existentialism. Yeah my brain wants to explode after just typing the word. Existentialism is basically the belief that we exist. That we are. Or that I am...

They don't believe in reifying. Reifying is the act of making something real that wasn't before, and honestly I agree wholeheartedly. In language in general we've created terms to define something that before didn't exist. Such as the unconscious, schizophrenia, and other similar things.

While making these definitions  who is the one determining what is real? What if we are just making up terms for things that don't actually exist. Hence the reason existentialists (which don't actually exist because that would be considered reifying haha) don't like reifying. 

So that leaves us definitionless. I am what? 

The answer is you are. That's all you need to know. You are a being; you exist. You may be whatever you think you are, but first and foremost, you are. Simple right?

Not really. In existentialism, if you are then the first thing you have to deal with is the fact that at some time, you are not. One of the four ultimate concerns is death. My class spent A LOT of time with this. I didn't agree with everything, but I did think it was really interesting. The theory was basically that we need to recognize that we are going to die and not treat it as if it's going to happen far from now. 

So the point in believing that is that if you are living and doing things that you weren't necessarily going to do if you die, then that's "messed up". haha. Or at least that's how my teacher explained it.

This is where I kind of agreed and kind of disagreed. I think sometimes we do things that we wouldn't do if we were going to die just in case we don't die. Wow... that sounds weird. Here's an example...

I am going to study for my finals (well some of them). Now if I knew I was going to die before finals then I wouldn't bother. I know I wouldn't bother. But here's my logic:

If I knew I was going to die in two years I would still be going to college even though I knew I would never use the degree. Because I'm in it for the learning... but maybe not for the grade. However, to continue learning, I have to pass to continue on. Therefore, just in case I don't die... haha... I'm going to study for my final. 

Anyway... just in case you were wondering... and for my own facts the other ultimate concerns are freedom, meaning, and isolation... all of which fascinate me to tears. So the next time you see me, don't bring up psychology, unless you are prepared to get an earful of existentialism. :D

I'm resisting the urge to talk about the other three. Ughhhhh.... :D

Hmmm.... :D

I love it when I do what I'm supposed to despite obstacles because good things always happen. Or at least eventually. Here was my day yesterday.

1. My alarm didn't go off and so I woke up 10 mintues late to work, made the girl I was supposed to work for miss class and a quiz. Needless to say, I felt HORRIBLE. I don't like letting people down and that was a big one.

2. I was late to my first class as well, didn't do the reading and when usually she makes us write our "question" on a sheet of paper and then turn it in, this time she wanted us to write them on the board. Ugh. Luckily I thought of a question before I went up.

3. When I got to work for my shift, I got written up, and cried in the kitchen for like 20 minutes. :'(

4. Then I went to german and had all my friends in there get mad at me because I was trying to help them with the homework instead of giving them all the answers. I just wanted them to think a little. One girl even just put her head down on the desk. :(

5. So after all that I went home and got ready to go to the temple with Julie, and right before we left she handed me a letter from the Student Auxiliary Services telling me that I didn't get the SAS grant and I don't really know how I'm paying for life in general next year. :-S

But I still went to the temple even though I didn't feel the least bit spiritual. It was so wonderful! I saw my best friend from last summer, and we got to talk for a few minutes about life. We definitely both needed to see each other. It was great. And honestly just being in the temple helped a lot. And the rest of the day was just as wonderful! I have a date next weekend, Justin and I are on good terms with everything and we're even on the same page for once, I talked to Monie this morning (I miss her), and I started my goal book and have several goals in it and already have the list I'm working on for April. I even started thinking about other things during my bad day that went well and came up with... I found people to take my shifts :D and I got my favorite locker at work.

So all bad days have highlights, and eventually come to an end. And today is wonderful! And honestly I should just be grateful that most of my days are good days because it hasn't always been like that.

"Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy!"

Plans

So I have many many plans. There is so much I want to do and be that I've got to get crackin'. haha. So here are some ideas I had that I'm going to try to implement in my life... and yes... some of these should have been there a long time ago.

First of all, I'm going to study my scriptures and say at least one meaningful prayer a day. This is the part that I should have been doing since birth (haha) but I shouldn't dwell on that; I just need to start now.

Second, I think I want to go through the Strength for Youth pamphlet and write down as many goals as I can think of that pertain to each section. Then maybe once a month I'll choose one, and work on it for the month. It takes about 21 days to start or break a habit, so I think this'll be a good time limit.

Third, I'm going to start planning financially, so that I can figure out how to pay off my debt quicker. It'll be nice when that's gone.

Also... I have secret plans for May... they aren't too secret, but I won't divulge them here. hee hee

Fourth I want to go to the temple once a month. Starting today.

Fifth I think I'm going to start a list of my currents goals... because goals that aren't written down are wishes.

Somewhere

Somewhere inside my head there's a place.

A place that no one else can go.

A place that I can call my own.

A place that only I can define

Whatever's in my mind.

Where I can define my own space.

Somewhere inside my head there's a girl.

A girl that can write with ease.

A girl that can fly and run and breathe

A girl who knows wrong from right.

A girl who only lives in the light.

A girl who lives without the world.

Somewhere inside my head there's a road.

A road that continues to grow.

A road that only Heavenly Father knows.

A road that's made with different terrain.

A road that teaches me joy and pain.

A road that helps me learn what I've already been told.

Somewhere inside my head there's a plan.

A plan that helps me set my goals.

A plan that slowly I'm getting to know.

A plan that helps me learn to find truth.

A plan that guides me through.

A plan that shows me that I can.

Somewhere out there my Father sees

All these things inside my head.

All these words that went unsaid.

All these goals I didn't quite meet.

All these decisions I couldn't quite reach.

All the things I couldn't quite be.

All the good that I have done.

All the successes I've earned in school.

All the times I followed every rule.

All the love that I have given.

All the times that I've been driven.

He'll watch me walk my way through life.

Until one day, after much happiness and strife,

I can stop walking, and finally run.

:D

So I think I'm semi-done being a brat about relationships. I know I've been kind of annoying; it just got really overwhelming to have that be EVERYWHERE. No really... haha.

So anyway, I'm going to go camping this weekend! I'm soooooo excited. I'm going to arches with Julie and Angel, and we'll be there until Sunday morning. I haven't been there, so it'll be fun. I'll need to get batteries for my camera. hee hee. They said that the hikes there are awesome. And apparently I haven't lived until I've seen the Delicate Arch. haha. So anyway... that'll be cool. 

Justin comes home next Wednesday. It's weird to think that the next email I send him is the last one I will send him while he's on his mission. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it, or if I'm dreading it. It feels like I'm dreading it.  :/

So I'm actually doing really well in school so far this semester. Except maybe Women's Studies. But I have an A or A- in almost every class. I'm starting to slack off because it's getting nicer outside... it's so beautiful. It was cool at 2 in the morning. I can vouch for it... I was doing laundry. haha. Today was amazing... and I'm scatter brained. Which is obvious to me because I'm writing this while I'm sitting in my Personality class. 

Oooooh. So a funny thing happened to me at work yesterday. They appparently have a Dialectics class here at BYU. This week was Irish. haha. Anyway... they had this list of things they had to do and they came to the candy counter. Sidney and I had to do the YMCA twice on video, and Katy got embarrassed when someone asked her if she'd date his friend. haha.

So... that's life in a nutshell.

True Happiness

Happiness is knowing that God agrees with you.

Happiness is more sought after than anything else, yet very few really know anything about it.

Happiness is being able to love those that hate you as well as those that love you.

Happiness is knowing that whatever happens, it will be for the best.

Happiness is having control over your own life. 

Happiness is knowing that you can handle anything thrown at you.

Happiness is self-made.

Happiness does not come from or because of anyone else.

True happiness is knowing who you are and living up to your potential.

I am.

The two most powerful words.

How do we define ourselves? How should we? We tend to define ourselves by the things that make us different. 

I am... a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That used to be my definition. But should it have been? Was I letting myself down because I was limiting my own potential?

I have several friends that define themselves this way.

I am... homosexual. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I do not define myself as heterosexual. But what if I did? How would my life... my outlook change if I defined myself by my sexual orientation?

Then I look around... that is how we define ourselves.

I am... a mother.

I am... a wife.

I am... a fiance.

I am... in a relationship.

I am... single.

We are sexual creatures. Whether we'd like to admit it or not. But are we limiting ourselves? Are we limiting our aspirations because our only true goal in life is to find a companion, so that we can be happy? Can we be happy alone?

What if all of a sudden we stopped letting society tell us what does and doesn't make us happy? Because that is why we think this way. Because media and government and our culture and our families even our religion... they all seem to say one thing. You need a companion and if you don't have one there is something wrong with you. I can not tell you how mystified people get when I tell them that I could be perfectly happy not getting married. It doesn't scare me a bit to graduate single. How sad is that?

We were first created as spiritual beings. Only by coming to earth did we even have a chance at being sexual ones. But should that be all we are?

What about my homosexual friends? By letting this define them they've closed themselves off to being anything else. One of my good friends just recently embraced it and now we really aren't friends anymore... and not by my choice. 

What is true happiness? What kind of happiness lasts forever?

Because contrary to Bohemian belief... we need more than love. 

I am... me.

I am... of infinite potential BECAUSE

I am... a child of God. 

Other People are Messing with my Mind

It's like being ripped into a million pieces, so that you can be made whole again.

It's like having scabs pulled off to heal your scars.

It's like having someone break your heart to heal it.

It's like sinning to be able to repent.

It's like holding your breathe, so you can remember how to breathe.

It doesn't seem like it will ever work. It doesn't seem like it could work. It feels like it's wrong, but at the same time you know it isn't. It makes no sense while making all the sense in the world. It's like emptying something to fill it, fill it with something better, something more important. It's like trying to break me, so that I can be put back together again, but better. It's like a puzzle that was put together by a four-year-old probably has a lot of pieces that are just shoved together, and someone who knows how puzzles work along with someone who knows what the picture looks like come and take the puzzle apart so that it can be put together properly. 

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm being ripped apart. I'm more confused than I ever have been. I'm scared of people for the first time ever. I'm questioning everything about myself, and honestly, I know that whether or not something changes, I needed to. I don't like this feeling, but when you put a cast on a broken arm sometimes it itches. That's uncomfortable for the moment, but afterward your arm is fixed. 

And now I just hope that I am trusting the right person. 

Update

So I'm super tired and I've got another half hour before my next class starts, so why not kill some time right? Anyhow... I guess I really don't have any updates. Nothing too exciting is happening to me. So one thing that is freaking me out right now is the fact that Justin gets home in a month from today. Actually I guess it's more like 28 days because February only has 28 days in it. Yup... that's pretty much the weirdest thing. I feel like he just left and that he's always been gone at the same time. I wonder what he's going to act like. Considering that my best friends are already a little worried about him, I guess I should go really slow... and not let any of them know what I'm thinking. haha.

I got a 100% on my stats quiz... without studying might I add. haha. I'm not bragging at all. haha. I also found out that I have an A- in Women's Studies so far which is pretty good, since I don't do a lot for that class.

I have a visiting teaching dinner tonight, and I'm already exhausted. That and my companion is making me do all the dishes. So that's pretty much going to suck. But I'll just protest and not do them tomorrow like I'm supposed to. I'm too tired to mess with people.

So I kind of hit a mean streak this past week. I've been getting "self-esteem" therapy/coaching from my friend Erich (who I met a month ago... yeah I think that's weird too). Well I keep hitting these I'm-worth-more-than-how-you-are-treating-me kicks (hence the last post) and one of them ended up being really mean. I told this one guy that he only cares about himself and that he was basically an idiot for being the polar opposite of straight forward. I still hold that he deserved it, but inside I know I could've been nicer. Consciences suck don't they?

Work has been getting a little frustrating for me, but things have died down now. Now that I don't have a the stocking assignment from Hades. It's still frustrating though because at the Candy Counter you actually have to deal with customers, and it's annoying when you are actually trying to get things done and your coworkers are just standing around talking, and you have to go help the customers. That and customers (and I fully admit that I'm like this too) are so wrapped up in themselves. This morning I was trying to change bins and make cookies and customers who just wanted to be checked out would come to me. I wanted to be like, "Isn't it kind of obvious that I'm trying to do a million things at once and that there are four registers with cashiers sitting on their hind ends doing nothing that you could've gone to?" But I don't. I don't mind when they need to get candy because that's something I have to do that no one else can. But why are they bringing books to me? The other registers do not have lines at 8 in the morning. They could pick the one by the exit they so choose, but no... they decide that because I'm closer it doesn't matter that I'm doing a million things at once. Ugh... I guess I've really needed to vent about work. Hmmm... good to know.

So I apparently am half of the compassionate service committee. It's Angel (my roommate) who is over Bryan (the chair) who is over me and this girl named Rachael (that I've never met) and we are the compassionate service committee. I think that's kind of funny. Apparently the bishop forgot about the compassionate service committee and so it only has two members. haha

What can I talk about for twenty minutes. Well I guess it's more like ten because I should be on time for class. I have stats tonight. Dr. Flom is actually a really great teacher. He will stick with you and do problem after problem until he thinks you understand. I like that because I'm so used to teachers who either don't care or won't really try to help if you don't get it. They'll just do an extra example and then move on. Stats is actually more interesting than I thought it was going to be. Right now we are doing probability and I feel like I'm in fifth grade. That's good I guess though right. It's only when we have to do probability with z scores that I'm going to get stumped. haha

Well I guess that's it for now... I told you my life is boring.

Why do you Wonder?

You know it's been a long time since I've overcome a lot of my family problems. My mom never understood why I thought I didn't have friends. Sure people talked to me, but I never felt close to them. Now I used to feel the same way here at BYU and my roommates didn't understand. They didn't understand why I couldn't just trust them when they said we were friends. Putting aside everything that happened that year... here's why we aren't friends.

I wish I could accurately describe the Candy Counter, so that this would make sense. So the candy counter is in the dead center of the main floor of the bookstore. Usually people cut around it because they are only cutting through the bookstore because it's faster than going around. The candy counter is also between the up stairs and the down stairs, so it's like there's an invisible rectangle around it. So here's why I'm peeved. Because yes... I saw you... and watched you... and this time, it's called being observant, not over-analyzing. So picture a rectangle that has a line starting from the middle of the long side and going to the corner. Where that line begins is the candy counter. Where the line ends is the exit. So I saw you... only you  walk next to the candy counter. I was talking to my boss for a second because I thought you were leaving so you'd cut behind me and take the diagonal line to the exit. Plus there weren't any people back there, so it wasn't congested. I turned back around and you were gone, so I was trying to figure out how I missed you. It made me a little sad because I wanted to say hi, even though I did have to leave in like thirty seconds to go clock in. Then I saw you again. You were walking down the side of the rectangle, instead of cutting across the fast way. I thought maybe you were going out the other exit cause it would have been faster or that you needed something from general book. Then I saw you turn for the TZ exit.  So I thought maybe there was a line at South and you were going around because the end would have been somewhere over there. But then... after all this time, I saw who was standing in front of you. I saw that you were following. Even then I had hope that you wouldn't be like that. But you walked right passed south and out the TZ. 

Now I know that story is too long for what it's worth, but if you knew these girls from Freshman year, you'd know why it had to be so detailed. You see... they NEVER trusted me when it came to this subject. I never had proof. Only my roommate trusted me and not even until the end of the year. I wanted you to know EXACTLY what I was thinking. So you would know that I actually thought the best until proven otherwise. I have changed. YOU have not.

I know that you have no spine, but how is it exactly that you can do crap like that and still be like, "No it's because she thinks you hate her."?

Rest assured, if the situation were flipped I would have walked passed her; I would've said hi; if you wanted to talk for a second, we would've talked awhile. You should know better than to think I hate her. So how is it that you don't know better when I say she hates me? I don't know why she still hates me. Or even why she hates me. Because honestly I did nothing to her last year... but she did do something to me. And yet she hates, and I don't. And you are blind.

So yet again, be rest assured, you've chosen alliances. We are not enemies, but we are NOT friends. Because guess what? I will learn to have confidence and know I AM worth something. I have good friends now who see worth in me. You didn't know this, but the night before that my friends figured out my self image, and one of the them spent hours telling me that I'm worth something. It was hard having this happen the next day... but you know what, I AM worth it. Even if you are too blind to see it.

And I don't deserve to have friends like you.

Happiness: Ideal or Illusion?

Is happiness the ideal? Is happiness the thing we are striving for? Is the point in life to be happy?

The first thing I thought of was the scripture, "Men are that they might have joy." Does it say "men are that they might always have joy"? I'm not saying it's unrighteous to be happy. I'm saying it's not unrighteous to not be happy.

We live in Happy Valley. To most people from Happy Valley it's a compliment. To any mormon outside the bubble it's a punchline. Do you know why? Because it's fake. Who really wants to pretend to be happy? Wouldn't we all rather just be happy?

The state of Utah is ranked 1st out of 51 states for depression. And 6th for suicide. Does this sound like happiness?

In my women's studies class we were talking about how media influences the way we think and how it has power to determine the "norm". I know this sounds terrible, but I think mormon media comes from church leaders. I don't think they themselves are trying to make themselves seem like they are the norm, but they are the face of the church, and so LDS women think that is what it means to be an LDS woman, and anything else is wrong.

Elder Wirthlin said in General Conference, "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't--at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretend happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life."

Nephi lamented at the death of his father. He was terrified of the mantel that had fallen on his shoulders. Was he being unrighteous?

Alma cried for his people when they wouldn't repent. Remember the "Oh that I were an angel, that I could cry repentance unto this people." Was this unrighteous?

Christ turned tables in the temple because he was angry that they were desecrating His Father's house. Was this unrighteous?

Like I said, it's not unrighteous to be happy. But this idea that we, especially as women, cannot be anything but happy is a cultural norm, not doctrine. And the more of us that fall into the trap the further we are from overcoming it. And the more we idealize people or worship people who are like this, the more prevalent it will become. Let's strive to be more like Christ and be good members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints instead of trying to just be good mormons.

Opinions and Judgments

"It's so easy to destroy and condemn, that which we do not understand. Did you ever wonder, 'Is it justified?'" -Within Temptation

So I know I posted today already, but now I've been thinking about something else a lot now. I know I'm a psychology major and it's kind of part of the description to understand how people think, but sometimes it amazes how very little people understand about other people. Is empathy lost completely? Is it really that difficult to see something from someone's perspective without it having to be the same as your own? I think it's awesome to have your own beliefs, but because of that is it impossible to understand why others would have beliefs outside of our own?

I'm LDS. Anyone who reads this probably either knows that or figured it out pretty quickly. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman; I believe abortion is murder; I believe a lot of things that the current presidency of the United States doesn't. So... am I a bad person because I understand that other people may not believe the same way I do, and that they might be good people too?

Maybe it's because I used to be a Libertarian. Maybe that's why I can see it from their perspective. I mean, people who've had it beaten into them that there is NO other way to think but Republican probably should have problems seeing things from other people's perspective. A funny thing is... I didn't change my mind because someone told me I was a "bad" member of my church or that I wasn't Christian. Actually those things made me believe I was right because I was more open minded. I change my mind because I read an article by an apostle of the church who calmly stated that we as members of the church should stand up for our beliefs. I find that most people respond better with kind words rather than accusations.

Anyway, here is my arguement. Members of the LDS church should all probably believe that abortion is murder and that murder is bad. We all understand the plan of salvation well enough to understand this concept. Especially when the church's stance on abortion actually allows for things like rape, incest, and health of the mother. And that if you choose to get pregnant, and by choose I mean choosing to have sex knowing what could happen, you can give the baby up for adoption and make sure he/she goes to a good family.

Christians on the other hand do NOT know the plan of salvation. We are responsible for that knowledge, but they aren't. So how can we make a broad statement about how you aren't Christian if you support Obama? Who knows what that person has been taught. A lot of good things come from abortions, like stem cell research etc, and maybe they don't think of the fetus as a child until he/she is born and they believe more in the free agency of the woman. We don't know. And like I said, I don't believe this, but then again... I was taught the true doctrine... Christians haven't been necessarily.

I think even the beliefs of LDS members can get skewed on the aspect of gay marriage. Not everyone goes looking for talks that were given last week by apostles, let alone in the seventys. And I, for one, can say that in our church politcal opinions aren't taught unless taught by the parents, so it's not like I went to church and learned how to be Republican. Rebulican is just something that fits based on the beliefs of LDS members. But I can also see how others can be confused. We are taught that marriage is between a man and a woman, but we are also taught the freedom of agency. So some "good" members of the church could believe that making laws against gay marriage is a bad thing because it's like we're playing Satan by telling other people what to do instead of giving them their own choice. Can we really decide who is and who isn't a good or bad member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

I think in this case we need to be very careful of what we say and think. As a member of the LDS faith I believe that we reserve the right to make righteous judgments in the moment that affect us and our families. And if you make the righteous judgment that a certain potential president shouldn't be president because of the your beliefs and the beliefs of your family then by all means, go with it.

However, we are also taught that final judgments are God's only. We cannot decide who is or isn't a good member of the LDS faith because we will never know the intents of their hearts. We cannot decide who is or isn't Christian because we will never know what they were taught. I'm not saying that they are right. Because I personally don't believe they are, but that should be the end of our judging. Judge the opinion... not the person.

Friends

Ok, don't ask me why but I've been a little upset because people who aren't in my life seem to somehow weasel out all of my information through other people which is not necessarily a bad thing, but a lot of information I like to tell to very few people so if it goes wrong all of the people who were there through the whole thing will understand and be there for the bad part too. Some people just want something to talk about. So if they know that I applied for a job, if I didn't get the job or lost the job they'd talk about it but not be there for me at all. 

Which got me thinking about a completely different subject. How do I define who is "in my life"? Because there are some people that I see more often than I see Monie, but Monie is in my life and they aren't. So I came up with my definition. Someone who's in my life, whether it be family, friend, or acquaintance, is someone who I know when I'll see them again. Or at least I have a vague idea. There are acquaintances I have that only come to game night on Sunday's, but because I know I will probably see them eventually for game night, I consider them "in my life." I may not see Monie very often, but I know when that I'll probably see her again when I go home. If I can convince either my mother for the car or Justin to take me. But I think for long distance people to be in my life, there has to be some kind of communication. Like I know when I'll hear from them again instead of see them again. 

So yeah... I think too much and over analyze everything, but at least now if someone gets mad at me for saying they aren't really in my life anymore, I can explain why.

Lessons Learned from Bare Naked Ladies

1. Anyone perfect must be lying.
2. Anything easy has its cost
3. Anyone plain can be lovely
4. Anyone loved can be lost.

Falling For The First Time - Bare Naked Ladies

Ego

I'm not talking about Freud. Just FYI. I like Jung's interpretation much better. Your ego is you. Ego means "I". I think I've got a pretty good grasp on my ego. I think I know it's shape, color, texture, and content. But there's more to us than our ego. There's our shadow or alter-ego which I also understand pretty well about myself. If you understand your ego the only thing you really need to do is acknowledge the possibility of an alter-ego and you're set. I'm ok with my archetypes and being collectively stereotyped.

But there is one part of me that I don't have control over yet and it takes over my ego. That's my persona. Persona literally means "mask", and, believe it or not, I have difficulty taking mine off. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to what has happened to me. Ask and ye shall receive is me in a nut shell. The trick is to get me to admit how I felt about it. And if you don't know how I felt about it you know basically nothing. You could see that I opened the door for someone, but do you know why I did it. Actually I do that because I like to, but you get the point. I don't think there are hardly any people at all that really know my ego because in my opinion my ego is kind of what I really wish I could say and do and act like. My persona is so not the same. I'm still a little (or a lot) rambunctious and giggly, but sometimes I act like that when I don't really want to. I'm a little sick of not having control over my persona. Honestly I like my ego better. 

That was me just rambling about stuff that my personality class is teaching me. Man, I thought I thought (wow redundancy) too much before. Yuck. haha

Back in Reality

I know this sounds weird, but I think I've finally figured out why I'm more content now... even happy. I'm back in reality. I'm not convincing myself of anything; I'm not being convinced by anyone else of anything. I'm back to being neither optimistic nor pessimistic. I'm just a realist. 

Wanna hear how I figured this out. For a while I got sucked into this la la land maze that wouldn't let me go. It was full of rainbows without rain, flowers, and sun, and everything good. But that isn't me. It is some people... sickly enough... it is some people. But that isn't my reality. 

So here's the the funny/weird story. Not long though I don't think. You know the phrase "when life hands you lemons make lemonade". Well someone gave me a piece of flair that says, "Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck." That sounds terrible, but it made me so happy. It was nice  to know that not everyone's life is perfect. I'm not alone. Not anymore at least. I have people that care about me... but almost more importantly, I have people who want me. It's not this passive, "I like you, but..." Now it's, "I like you, so..." It's been hard here in Utah having all the people that wanted me in Missouri, but now I found some here too. And I'm not alone. Other people have lived crazy hard painful lives. Some like me, some worse than me, but there's always someone to understand what it's like to not be charmed. I missed that. I'm grateful everyday. Because I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my Heavenly Father. I wouldn't be here if He didn't love me and want me to be happy. Happy with no strings attached. 

Finally.

You are Loved <3

A little for early for Single's Awareness Day, but it's ok. That and a month after that I may not be single. Weird. hmmm...?

You Are Loved (Dont Give Up) (Radio Edit) - Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Time

One Year

A lot can happen in one year. You can move. You can go off to school. You could get married. You can add a few inches, take off a few pounds.  Make and break new years resolutions. You can have a baby. You could build a house in a year. A lot can happen in one year.

One Year

One Month

A lot can happen in one month. You can learn good habits and cease the bad ones.  Change your major. Change your job. Get into a relationship. You could buy a new car. You could learn a new skill. A lot can happen in one month.

One Month

One Week

A lot can happen in one week. You can start new classes for school. You can get glasses or contacts. You can get sick. You can have surgery. You could read a book. You could travel, maybe go visit home. A lot can happen in one week.

One Week

One Day

A lot can happen in one day. You can dye your hair. You can meet a new friend. You could buy food, or do your laundry. You could finish your homework. You could also elect a new president. September 11, 2001 was just one day. D-day was just one day. Pearl Harbor was just one day. Alot can happen in one day.

One Day.

One Hour

A lot can happen in one hour. You could go to class in an hour. You could spend time with a friend. You could play with your child. You could do your dishes or clean your room. You could help someone with homework they don't understand. You could read your scriptures. You could talk with your grandparents about when they were younger. Someone could pass away in an hour. A lot can happen in one hour. 

One Hour

One Minute

A lot can happen in a minute. You could say I love you. You can write a note telling someone you care. You could say a prayer. You could take out the trash. Your baby could take her first steps. You could lose a friend in a minute. You could lose your home in a natural disaster in one minute. A lot can happen in one minute.

One Minute

One Second

A lot can happen in a second. You can fall in love in a second. You can get an idea in a second. You can lose a friend's trust forever in a second. Your baby could say "mama" for the first time in a second. Your heart can be broken in one second. Your dreams could come true in one second. You could say "Yes" in one second. Alot can happen in one second.

One Second

Just as many important things happen in one second as in one year. You can do important things, things that mean the world to someone in one second. Don't let them pass by. And also, don't think that nothing will change. There will come a time when things will be lost. And you may not get a month or a year of warning. It could be lost in a second. 

"Take care in your minutes and the hours will take care of themselves." -Lord Chesterfield 

Band aids

I'm the kind of person that likes to just rip off a band aid no matter how much it hurts. At least most of the time. Sometimes I wish a band aid was all I had to worry about. That people couldn't hurt me anymore than a silly little band aid. I've never ripped off a person before. I always gave everyone a second chance. Sometimes for the better, sometimes to my dismay. But I've never given up on anyone. I think this band aid, while ripped off as far as it would go, will remain stuck to my heart for a little while longer. :'D

Christmas!

So I got to go home for Christmas and it was so great! I haven't been home in about seven months, which was weird for me to think about. So much has CHANGED! It was crazy. New stores were everywhere, Samuel was home, Monie had a baby (who is pretty much the cutest thing alive which means something coming from me. I'm a great judge of cuteness.), I saw some kids passing sacrament that I was sure were in Junior primary, the church is blue and not red, there's a huge new high school off in the middle of nowhere hopefully going to be open soon, and I'm sure there are a dozen or more things I've forgotten.

So I left Salt Lake at 5:45 AM (yuck!!!!) and made it into Sedalia at about 3ish. I spent Christmas opening gifts that my mother had way too much fun trying to disguise. For instance, she got me the movie Wall-E and she first wrapped a calendar around it and then she wrapped that so I couldn't tell what shape it was in. She also bought me a lot of pajamas that she wrapped individually in different shaped containers. It was fun. That night I went to Monie's and we "watched" movies. Mostly she packed and I played with Kady. She is ADORABLE!!! I could just squish her, but I won't because Monie would probably not like that. She is such a cute little mommy. But I'm not gonna lie, I still can't grasp the fact that she is a mommy. I mean we were just kids a few years ago. Where did time go?

Anyway, Justin called that night while I was over there. It was actually kind of funny because Monie thought it was my brother, and I went back inside to get my coat and Justin was like, "Give the phone to Monie". So I did and she said, "Oh Justin. (under her breath, "I thought this was your brother.")" haha. It was fun. So at this point I have no idea where Justin and I stand, but I do know that I have two conniving, nosy relatives who are going to treat me like they know until I either marry him or break up with him. Oh great. Family.

I taught sunbeams on Sunday. Monie was the normal teacher, but she was in Nauvoo since they are moving... well.. yesterday. haha. Justin's mom came up to me and said, "Are you doing anything today?" I love how she had to ask to make sure no one got to me first. I mean, I've been gone for most of the year and I come back for one Sunday and I'm teaching again. Figures. Not bad though. Even though they were all boys, and Mario decided it was Annoy-the-Crap-Out-of-Everyone Day. Other than that it was fine. 

I also hung out with Hannah and Jessie at some point. I met Hannah at Walmart and then we picked up Jessie and got some pizza and went to the park. Did I mention that it was a nice 50 degrees most of the time. Lovely. Anyway, I never got to see Hannah much because she's pretty much on her husbands leash. I expected that though. Oh well, it works for them. 

I hung out with Heather on Tuesday. We went to Perkins to eat and catch up. Then we went to go get her brother and went to go see Marley and Me. Good movie. Really sad though. I felt dumb because I couldn't control my crying. Luckily I could control the sobbing. It was a really good movie though. I don't care what other people say about Valkrie or however you spell it. I know some people have a fascination with gore and violence, but I am not one of those people. Anyhow...

We also had an All-Holiday Bash at Monie's. We celebrated various  holidays that we miss spending together. It was fun. That was also New Year's Eve. I went home just in time to be there at midnight. haha. Mom wasn't there though because she was putting gas in the car because I had to leave the next day to come back to Provo.

Lucky to say, I am officially moved in, and my room is relatively clean. haha. Which is one of my goals this year. I like my ward and my roommates. I think this semester is finally going to be the time of my life. Not that I wait around for it. Everyday is the time of my life. But I think this semester it'll be... how do I say this?... a little easier to find things I'm grateful for. haha. Yeah that's it. Oh yeah, I forgot. 

On Wednesday I got contacts again. It was funny because the doctor said that my right eye is so messed up that it needs a special contact lens fit special for it, so that I can see properly. Sad to say that takes a long time, so my right eye isn't exactly at 20/20 right now. It's ok though. I'm over the dizziness. That pretty much sucked.  

So as boring as they are these are the highlights of my holidays. I loved every minute though. I also got good grades which is always a nice touch. Not to mention the huge jump in my bank account. Ooh la la. I should go and NOT be productive. The next four months will be productive enough. No need to start tonight. ;{ haha I accidently typed that. Doesn't it look like a little angry man who can only squint with one eye. Yeah I'm weird. Here's what I meant ;P

Worth It

Because I'm worth it.

Just because you can't see it, and have thrown me away...

Nope, doesn't change a thing. Because I'm worth it.

I'm worth the effort you didn't give.

I'm worth the love you couldn't sacrifice.

I'm worth the seconds I was never in your thoughts.

I'm worth the breath you didn't waste talking to me.

I'm worth the time you didn't spend.

I'm worth it...

even if you were too blind to see it.

I let the hopeless blind me to things that I should see
The black and white finally flip to set me free
I’m tired of living completely on my own
I’m searching and praying to someday find my home.